Since I have been diagnosed with cancer a lot of things have happened. A lot things that happened have been expected, and a few things that happened have been unexpected. And then there is today...  a day where something happened that I never thought would happen in my life.

Last Friday I received a call from my father. He said he wanted to see me, and that he was planning on coming up to Allentown to visit. I briefly told him about my improved current condition, my treatment schedule, and how after next Tuesday after my next chemotherapy session I am probably going to be pretty unavailable until after the conclusion of my treatment. With all of the information taken into account, he said it was his goal to try to get up here before Tuesday. I responded by saying... "Whatever."

If you are reading this and you do not really know me, I grew up without ever meeting or even knowing who my father was. It wasn't until I was 27 years old until I knew he was alive and knew of his existence. At that time when I learned of his whereabouts, he and I agreed to meet. My best friend Shannon and I flew down to San Antonio, TX to meet him. While my father and I did meet and do a few things together that weekend, I spent most of my time in San Antonio with two of my sisters.

Seven years later, I can count on one hand how many conversations I have had with my father since the weekend I met him. We never developed any type of relationship, and that was ok with me. I got to meet him and know who he is, which is all I ever wanted to do. So when he called me last Friday and told me he was coming up here, I wasn't really expecting him to. I wasn't expecting anything at all.

On Sunday afternoon my father called me again. He told me he was in West Point, GA visiting family, and that he wanted to leave there at midnight in hopes of arriving in Allentown to see me Monday afternoon. He said he was bringing with him his 32 year old son Marcus, his 11 year old son Chris, and his 9 year old son Christian. Was he serious? I wasn't sure. I told him if he is really serious that he can call me when he gets here, and I will go somewhere in the community to meet him.I told him that I had other plans as well, so if he does come he should have some other things in mind to do because I cannot spend an extended amount of time with him.

On Monday morning I logged onto Facebook. My father had just put up three new status messages. One of the messages said... "Leaving Sam house on our way up the eastern seaboard." The next status was a check in message, which stated that he was traveling northbound on Interstate 85 in South Carolina. The third message was also a check in message, this time stating that he was in Fancy Gap VA. As it turns out, my father was really on his way to see me. 

I was in shock. I have only met this man one time in my life. We have only spoken a handful of other times. We have no relationship. I told him that if he indeed did come, I would only be available to see and be with him for a very short period of time. Yet despite all of those things, my father decided to take the 14 hour drive to come see me.

...

One of my favorite books of all time is the book "David and Goliath" by Malcolm Gladwell. The book is about turning disadvantages into advantages, and using what you are forced to learn as a result of your perceived disadvantage to make you stronger in all of the other aspects of your life. Gladwell used the story of David and Goliath as an example of doing just that. While David was too small and too weak to defeat Goliath in a conventional fight of those times, David was forced to become creative and to attack Goliath in an unconventional manner. As we all know, as the story is told David was successful in the approach he was forced to create... eventually defeating Goliath by using a slingshot instead of engaging in conventional hand to hand combat.

This is why I do not hate my father. While it was extremely difficult growing up without a dad, there is no doubt in my mind that not having him in my life forced me to become resilient and forced me to adjust to challenges that led to me becoming the strong man that I am today. I know how difficult it is to grow up without a father. It sucks. I would cry so much as a child because I didn't know who my father was. I would lie to other children when they would ask about him. I would tell them he was in jail or died in Desert Storm. I was black with a white mother. I would have identity crises because I didn't know the black side of my family. I never felt complete as a child, and my family never felt complete when I had a wife and children of my own. Having those feelings forced me to become a great parent. I would never want a child I was responsible for to feel like I felt or to be put in those situations. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the best father in the world due to the fact that I know how horrible it feels to grow up and live life without a father of my own.

I was extremely poor growing up. My mother and I had nothing. We used to wash our clothes in the sink with dish liquid and hang them up on the curtain rods in our bedrooms because we could't afford to go to the laundromat. We didn't have cable growing up until I was about 17 years old. Our toilet used to leak so bad that we had to go to the basement to turn the water on and back off every time we needed to use the bathroom. Our bathtub was always clogged, and we would have to dump the water out with buckets into the toilet after every shower we took.  My mother used to go grocery shopping for the week on a 20 dollar budget. We used to eat liver and lima beans. On Wednesdays we would go to the church on 8th and Walnut to eat. We used to go the food bank at the church on 6th st. between Turner and Chew every Saturday morning to get food... food that we had to carry home in boxes. That was a long walk home, and everyone could see the food so everyone knew where we were coming from. I would see football players from other high schools handing out food, and they would recognize me. All of those things were extremely embarrassing, but extremely necessary. If things were different there is no doubt in my mind I wouldn't be as humble or I wouldn't have such an appreciation for things I do have in life. Those things were disadvantages that eventually led to becoming advantages.

I feel like the same thing is happening with my cancer. When I found out about my diagnosis, I felt like having cancer was the single worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought that having cancer was going to ruin my life, make my family sad, and eventually kill me. Contrary to what I believed though in some weird and strange way having cancer has actually done the exact opposite for me. It has made my life better, pulled my family together, and made me feel alive. It has raised the spirits of an entire community. It has spawned inspiration, given hope, and made a lot of people want to reconnect and have good times. And today Cancer... more specifically my cancer... was going to be the reason something was going to occur that I never thought would happen in my entire life. Cancer was going to put me, my mother, and my father together in the same place for the first time in my entire life.

My mother is one hell of a woman. She sacrificed her life for me. She has always done things the right way. She was the best example of class, humility, and respect a child could ever ask for. She is the hardest working person that I have ever encountered in my life. She is the poster child for integrity. She never cut a corner and never looked for the easy way out in any situation. She raised me alone. She never received a dime of child support or food stamps. She never could afford a car, so she took the bus and walked to work every single day. And she never missed work. She did everything. Again, the disadvantage of me not having a father and having her be forced to do everything she had to do for me gave me the advantage of understanding of  how absolutely wonderful of a woman she was. My mother became the best mother in the world in part due to my father not being there for me.

When I told her my father was on his way into town today, I told her she did not have to meet him if she didn't want to. I understood that he was the source of an extreme amount of pain for her, and I would understand if she didn't want to have to face that especially considering everything that was going on with me. My mother and father met while she was in the Army. He got her pregnant and he abandoned her, As a child I remember going through my mothers drawers and finding letters that were her trying to contact him... all of which came back return to sender. She had no help. I know she dealt with a lot of pain and guilt due to the fact that I grew up without a dad. She felt like in a lot of ways it was her fault.

My moms response wasn't quite what I expected, even though I should have known because she is my mother. She said she definitely wanted to see him. She wanted to thank him. She said he gave her a gift in me. He is responsible for Koi and Maecee, her two wonderful grandchildren that she loves so much. Despite all of the heartache and pain that my father put my mother through, she was willing to forgive him just like that. She was willing to meet with him, sit down with him, and thank him for giving her the family that she has today.

At around 1:00 pm on Monday afternoon, my father called me. He had finally made it to Allentown. He told me that he had gotten a hotel room at the Comfort Inn near Dorney Park. We were going to meet him and his three sons at the hotel, and they were going to follow us to go get something to eat. So me, my mother, Koi, Maecee, and my silent partner got into the car and made the trip over to the hotel.

My family was nervous. My father and his family was in room 101. Koi and I went inside to get them while my mother, daughter, and silent partner stayed outside in the parking lot. When Koi and I got to the room my father was standing outside of the door. I gave him a hug. I just had to. I don't know how to explain it... but even though I didn't have a relationship with that man and I only met him once in my life... he is my only father, and just I felt like hugging him. My father then brought us into the room and introduced Koi and I to my brothers. It was all love.

We all then headed outside. As we walked toward my mom, daughter, and silent partner, I could tell my mother was nervous because she had her back towards everyone. I really didn't know what was going to happen or what to expect. My father eventually approached my mom and said hello. She smiled, shook his hand, and the ice was broken. She was fine. Everyone greeted each other, and the tension seemed to die down to the point everyone was comfortable. We all agreed to go to the TGI Fridays which was right down the street from the hotel.

By the time we parked at the restaurant and walked to the door, it felt like we had all known each other. My mother was talking to my father. My brother was talking to my son. My silent partner, myself, and Maecee were talking with my little brothers. It was like we had been family for much longer than those 10 minutes.

At the table the conversations continued. Here are some pictures...

This is all of us. My silent partner took the picture so she could avoid the camera of course

Me, my brother Christian(sitting), and my brother Chris(standing)

Maecee, Koi, and my father

My brothers Christian and Christopher with their niece Maecee and nephew Koi(how crazy is that)

My brother Marcus, my mom, me

My mother and father having a civil conversation... wow. 

The conversation inside of the restaurant went really well. I have a total of 9 brothers and sisters, 10 aunts and uncles, and a HUGE extended family that extends literally across the country. I learned so much about myself and about where I came from. We all ate good(even though I couldn't taste), drank good(I drank water... my father is the only one who had a beer), laughed, and enjoyed each others company. 

We then took pictures outside in the parking lot... 

 And now the picture and moment that I NEVER thought would happen in my lifetime...

Life is really crazy. It is amazing that CANCER is what made this happen. I am going to continue to keep turning that negative into a positive, until I am cancer free. 

After this we ended up going to Cedar Beach where I watched Koi, my brother Marcus, and my father play a basketball game called 21. The video is below. It is soooo funny to me. Koi won by the way :-)

Well, that was my day. What a day. It is now 4:08am. I have four more weeks of treatment remaining. I have my chemotherapy appointment this morning. This will probably be my last blog post for a while. I am admittedly nervous, but I am prepared. I am just ready to get it over with. As soon as I come to my senses I will reach out to everyone. Until then, be good to the world. Thanks for your continued interest in me and my situation. LOVE. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

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