It is 4:13am. This is the first morning I have woken up since I can remember that I have not thrown up, so hopefully that means that I am going to have a good day.

I have to admit… I am tired of being sick. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Prior to the beginning of my treatment the doctors told me that the process is going to be both physically and mentally challenging, and boy they were right. My mental resolve is being tested right now. I must say that I really feed off of and appreciate all of love and support that I have been getting in the community and on social media. It really has been great, and it really has helped me a lot through this process. I have to be honest though… I am tired. There are times that everything just gets to me, and I just break down. The other day I was driving home from my radiation treatment and I just couldn’t stop crying in my car. I’m tired. I just want to be normal. I am tired of taking all of this medicine. I am tired of going to doctor’s appointments, tired of telling people I am resilient and that I am going to beat cancer, tired of people asking me if I am alright or if I need anything. I just want to be normal so bad. I want my weight back. I want to go to the gym. Not being able to taste food is seriously one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. It is like torture. After knowing what it feels like not being able to taste, I would seriously consider giving up my sense of smell, touch, and even sound before I would give up my sense of taste. The only other sense I would want to keep before taste is my sense of sight. After this experience, I cannot tell you how much I value my sense of taste. I just want to eat and taste food so bad! I am tired of being patient. I want to eat NOW!!! I have no choice though but to wait.

I have two weeks of treatment left, which consists of eleven radiation treatments and one more chemotherapy treatment. Even when my treatment is over I still have to go through a recovery period, so it’s not like I am going to be back to normal once the treatment is over. I hope the treatment works. I hope it gets rid of my cancer. I hope my cancer doesn’t metastasize, causing me to have to go through even more treatment. Even though I will do it because I have no choice, I don’t want to have to go through this again. It sucks and I am tired of it. I know this post may come off as negative, but this is how I feel right now. When I up awake alone, my cell phone and Facebook are quiet and there is nobody around… I still have this stupid cancer and still have to deal with it. It just sucks.

And… I just threw up.

This shit sucks ya’ll.

…

For the next part of the post, I have some new videos:

This is me getting my radiation treatment. It is actually pretty fascinating to watch even for me... because while going through it I cannot really tell what is going on. I didn't know the machine moved like it does. Every time you hear the machine buzzing or the lights flashing, that is when I am getting "zapped" and am getting the radiation. I do this every morning, and will have done it 35 total times once my treatment is concluded. After I finish I have to just sit outside and regain my composure for a while, because having radiation zapped into your body really does take a lot out of you. 

This is me getting acupuncture. Acupuncture is crazy, but it really helps. 

This is a video of me feeding myself. Appreciate the ability to taste food. Savior every bite... for me!!! Look at how skinny I am... smh. 

This is a video of me talking to my old high school football team before their game. I was given the opportunity to talk to them by the head football coach, who was my coach and a lifelong role model and mentor of mine growing up. While they lost the game, they played really hard and I was very proud of them. 

So that is it for now. I am trying to stay active, optimistic, and positive. I promise you I am. It is a challenge, but I am going to keep fighting. When I beat cancer I am going to continue to be a positive contribution to the world, I promise. Thank you again for all of your continued love and support. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic