It is 3:12 pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table. Lets get right to it.

My cancer is no longer in remission. 

When I returned from Egypt, I was scheduled for my bi-annual scan. Even though I felt good, was strong, and seemed relatively healthy... the results of my 6 month scan showed that I had a new active nodule in my right lung. After having it biopsied, the nodule was shown to be cancerous. 

What does this mean? My cancer was initially categorized as Stage IV, centrally located in the head and neck area. This new nodule is in my lung. That means the cancer spread into my bloodstream. At this point, it could resurface anywhere in my body. In other words, I may be in trouble.   

This information from my doctor was hard to take. I have written about this in detail, and will have it shared at a later date. I don't feel like reliving that moment right now. To make a long story short, the recommended treatment was chemotherapy until I die. The doctor said life expectancy was 1-2 years for most, but since you are young and healthy(seriously?) it could be "a little longer." 

That was the beginning of December. I have since gotten a second opinion, and will be having surgery to remove the mass I have in my lung next week in Philadelphia. I will be in the hospital for 3-4 days. I will need a feeding tube in my nose, catheter, the whole nine yards.

Since then I have been in a pretty dark place. I have just been trying to make sense of it all. I have so much more left to do here. I want to see my son become a father to a son. I mean a girl would be cool, but I really, really, want to see the boy that is coming next. And my daughter... where do I start. I want to pretend to threaten her prom date, but then give him money and really be there to wish them a good time. I want to walk her down the isle, if she so chooses to. I want to see what positive effect she would have on the world. 

Being told that I am not going to witness those moments is... tough. I have cried and cried and cried and cried. I feel like I am just coming around though. Perspective is one of the most important attributes one can have. I have literally spent the last 2 months re-configuring mine, and I feel like I am now in a space of peace and comfort.

Now don't get it twisted, I am going to do absolutely everything possible to stay alive for as long as I can. I am going to be happy, love, and live gracefully. I am going to continue to train, eat healthy, and stay positive. I am going to fight.

It took me a long time to open up about this. Opening up is the right thing to do though. I have gotten deep into metaphysics, and I really believe that the positive energy I received during my first bought of cancer from the community really helped me. It is my hope that will happen again.

So with all of that being said... I ask you to say a prayer, kind word, or anything for me. You don't have to tell me directly, but just verbalize it, write it down, or think it. I would really appreciate it. And when we see each other... lets keep the cancer talk to a minimum please? Thank you.

That is enough writing. I am now going to step away from the computer and live my life. I have no symptoms. I do not feel sick so I am not going to be sick. I don't have my daughter so I am going to drive and drive and drive and drive and drive and drive. I am going to disconnect from the world and just breathe some fresh and new air. I am going to listen to Earth, Wind, and Fire, turn off the phone, and let the universe do its thing. If you want to ride with me, you can. Not in the car... but the wave... just press play...

I am smiling... and you should be too. Hug someone, tell them you love them, and be happy. The universe came together to let me exist as a human being on this thing called Earth for 36 years. I am extremely thankful for having had that opportunity.  Enjoy your weekend everyone. I have today. I have right now. I am going to make the most of it. I am going to enjoy it. I will be in touch one way or another soon.

Love,

Kyle