I am sitting at the kitchen table eating some pasta salad that Toya made for me. Thanks Toya. Even though the radiation treatments have taken away my ability to taste food, I requested her pasta salad because the texture of it is easy to swallow. I also have to continue to practice swallowing because as my treatment continues I am going to lose my ability to swallow. My doctors told me that I should attempt strengthen my muscles in my mouth and to use my abilities for as long as I can. It will make it easier for me to resume swallowing when I start the recovery process. So I eat.
I can't tell you how good I have felt the last couple of days. I was told by my doctors that this treatment process will be like a roller coaster ride in the fact that there are going to be a lot of highs and lows. I just came off of a really low period. On August 17th I got my first radiation and chemo treatments. Chemotherapy is something that is incomprehensible unless you have actually gone through it. There is being tired, being exhausted, and then there is the feeling of having chemo. I really felt lifeless. I couldn't move my body. I would sit up in the bed and just try to find a spot that was... I don't even know if comfortable is the word. You can feel every light, vibration, sensation, and piece of air around you. I couldn't be in the room with anyone else. If someone was in the room with me and they literally breathed, it affected my body and my comfort level in a negative way. If someone was in the room with me and they took a step, I could feel it in my body. If someone made so much as a noise in another room, I could feel it and it would affect my comfort level. If someone made a noise in another room I could feel it. If a light flashed, the sun came up, or anything blinked, I could feel it in my body. I am trying my best to explain it and I might not be doing a good job of it... but it is the weirdest feeling that anyone can ever imagine. I literally sat in the same position for 5 days trying to get comfortable. I didn't sleep, didn't eat. I lost 10 pounds from that Monday to that Friday. I went to my radiation treatments and just laid there like a zombie because I couldn't move. I had to go back to the hospital twice to be hydrated because I couldn't move my body or take in anything. Once I got back home after being hydrated I just literally sat in that bed and tried to get comfortable. If I wasn't being fed and hydrated through my feeding tube during this time, I felt like I would have died.
After literally 5 days of just "laying," I slowly started to come to grips with my body. During that state I couldn't communicate. I slowly regained the strength for my body to be able to have someone say words to me without it hurting. I also regained my ability to respond without it hurting. I began to actually be able to roll over as opposed to just literally being plopped in one spot. I slowly regained the ability to have light be turned on and off. By Sunday 8/23, I was able to actually sit in a chair with my eyes open and the light on. I was able to look at my phone. I sat on the porch that night and it felt sooooo good to feel the wind. It literally took me a week to "wake up" after chemotherapy.
As the week progressed, I kept progressing. I started watching TV. I went on the porch. I started to eat on my own. I went for a walk around the block. I went to the diner. Slowly but surely, My body found a way to build itself back up.
Around that same time this week is when the news started to spread about my condition. Initially I wanted to keep it a private matter. Anyone knows me KNOWS that I hate attention. I am an introvert, and it just is what it is. I honestly wanted to just get my treatment, get better, and continue to live a normal life without too many people knowing I ever even had cancer. But the news hit social media, and everyone kind of was running with it without really knowing what was going on or having all of the information. That prompted me to write the email explaining my condition. When I saw the responses to the email and the amount of people who actually contacted me and wanted to help, I was shocked. I know I am a nice guy. My mother, who has been with me EVERY SINGLE DAY during this process (along with my silent partner who wishes to remain nameless) did a wonderful job making me into a good man. I always felt like I left a positive impression on everyone that I came across in life. I never needed it validated or needed to hear it back from anyone. I just knew. To hear it though is something special. I never expected it to be like this. People that I haven't seen or spoken to in so many years reached out to me and told me a story about how I was always nice to them or how I made a positive impact in their life. So many stories. My email box is filled with them. Reading those messages and having an understanding of how people really felt about me really woke me up, gave me energy, and has really helped me so much during this process. It makes me want to keep going, keep living, and do even more. It made me want to tell my story and share my resolve in hopes of inspiring others. So that is why I created the Facebook and this blog. I just want to thank everyone out there, because you made me understand how important it is for me to do this. I urge people to keep the positive vibes going. Not just in reference to me and my condition though... but about EVERYTHING.
So that is where I am today. I am on an upswing. I had a great day with my best friend Shannon on Friday. I was out of the house and feeling good today. I went to the grocery store today and saw one of the best men I have met in my life, Coach Mark Smurda. Seeing him made my night. I saw my baby boy Koi today. I love that kid. My daughter Maecee is coming over tomorrow. I am riding this wave because my treatment continues on Monday and it is going to continue to break me down from there. The longer treatment goes the worse off I become. I have another chemo coming up, which is going to totally floor me again. But I am ready. I was 150 pounds on Monday, but I ended the week at 156 and am still eating Toya's pasta salad right now. I was 190 pounds in June. Crazy.
Anyway it is 6:01 am and I am signing off. I love ya'll.
-Kyle
