I am coming home.

It is Sunday, March 19, 2017 at 12:08 pm. I am on the balcony of a hostel in Venice Beach, California.

It has been a week since I had what I am calling “my emotional death.” After my rebirth, I have had a lot of time to ponder the world, ponder what I now think I know, and ponder what my next move will be. 

All of that pondering has led me to make the most important decision of my life:

I am coming back to Allentown.

When I woke up this morning, I took my medical marijuana dosage. I then decided to do some yoga on the beach. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing. The ocean was blue, the birds were chirping, and the atmosphere was energetic. The temperature wasn’t too hot or too cold. It was the perfect morning.

Yoga really gives me a clear mind. After my little 30-minute session, I attempted to fill my mind with positive thoughts for the remainder of the day.

Immediately after I completed my yoga session, I walked over to Muscle Beach to work out. The equipment there gives me the ability to complete a very good full body workout. I also found a few LA Fitness locations that are in walking distance from where I am staying. I am glad I am a member.

After my little weightlifting session, I did some burpees on the beach. I also ran up a sand hill 10 times for cardio. It was a great workout.

After I finished doing the hills, I went into the ocean. Even though the sun was out, it was only 8 am and only about 60 degrees. The water was extremely cold. I needed to go into the ocean though. It helped my body rejuvenate. It felt so good.

After my workout I grabbed some breakfast on Main St. I always complained about the lack of healthy restaurants in the Lehigh Valley. Thankfully, that is no issue here. There is a vegan restaurant on every corner. There is an organic spot on every block. Avocados come with everything. There are almost too many healthy choices.

It is good that there are a lot of healthy restaurants everywhere, because I really have an appetite. I am always hungry. Ever since I have gotten to California, I have been consistently taking my medical marijuana. It has helped me sleep. I am extremely rested. I have been sleeping for 8 hours a night. This rest has given me energy. It has enabled me to work out. When I went to LA Fitness, I was surprised at how much strength I had. I have been there 3 times in the last week. While I did lose some strength due to my surgery, I am actually stronger than I thought I would be.

I am healing.

After I ate, I went for a long walk. Again, it was the perfect day. I saw people rollerblading, riding bicycles, sun tanning, reading, surfing, shopping, smoking weed, eating, and just enjoying life. What a place.

After I let my food digest, I went to the basketball court. Venice Beach has 8 courts. I shot some jumpers. I stayed within 15 feet. I can still shoot. Even though I was a little weak due to my surgery, I didn’t have any pain. I practiced my dribbling. I still have it. It is still there.

This was week one. Even though I am limited in what I can do, that is ok. I am patient and disciplined enough to go after a long-term goal. I also have an insane work ethic. I also cured my cancer, so I plan on being around for a long time. I will get it all back.

My basketball workout was great. I then took a shower at the hostel. I can almost see the basketball from my hotel. I could have taken a shower at LA Fitness too, but I didn’t have to today. It is good to have that option though.

After I got out of the shower, it was about 12 am. I found a really neat bookstore on Venice Beach. I spent an hour in the store. I have fallen in love with abstract art. I talked to the owner for about an hour. I told her about my book, my two upcoming books, and my cancer story. She was really nice. She told me to come back soon. She also she told me that she hoped that she would have my books in her store one day. I ended up buying a book entitled “Judge This,” by Chip Kid.

After leaving the bookstore, I got something to eat. Again, I am always hungry.  I had a falafel dish from the Mediterranean restaurant that is right across the street from my hostel. The owner is from Egypt. The restaurant is called Cairo Cowboy. We have gotten cool. I told him about my time in Cairo and Luxor. I showed him some pictures. I have just been hanging out there, talking to the owner, and doing some writing.

After I finished eating, I then took my book and went to the beach. I sat there and read. After looking at the book for a while, I decided to listen to my music. After listening to my music for a while, I decided to take a nap. I then read my book a little more. I then decided to walk again.

There are a lot of interesting people in Venice Beach. While I have been going for walks, listening to music, and exploring... I have been noticing a lot of interesting businesses, parks, and other areas. I have also noticed one extremely interesting thing that has been happening:

People have been noticing me.

I feel like since I have been reborn, I have changed. I feel infectious. I can hold my urine longer. I can tolerate spicy food better than I used to. I actually initiated a conversation today. That is a big deal for me.

My clothing is even different. I used to wear mostly dark clothing, but my wardrobe has evolved. I love color now. I have found some consignment shops here in LA, and I have been trading some of my old clothing and shoes for some new stuff. I actually have a pair of Jordan’s. If you really know me, you know how big of a deal that is.

If you see me with some new clothing, I want you to understand that I did not pay for any of it. It is amazing what you can get in return for the rarest article of clothing in the world… a piece of clothing that I USED to own.

I had to get rid of it.

It was too “dark.”

When I walk on Venice Beach, I feel like the women are taking notice. I feel like they see me and they are curious. I am kind of wandering and doing my own thing though, so I am not really paying attention to any of that. I have been propositioned a few times. I have had a few conversations. I have a few phone numbers. I have eaten dinner with a woman. I have spent an entire day with a woman.

During our conversations, I have been forthcoming with my story. I am not trying to get with any of these women. I am just expressing myself. It feels good to be me, and to tell the real truth. 

They are loving my honesty. 

They like me too.

I cannot lie… some of these women are beautiful. This is California. They are kind of weird and kind of quirky, just like me. A lot of the women here are racially ambiguous. There are so many odd 30-somethings that are tired of the bullshit. While I am in no position to entertain a woman or any type of relationship right now, I know that I will not say no to every single woman every single time if I stayed here. I will eventually move on. 

I met a woman at my hostel that quit her six-figure job mid-day. She literally got up, walked out, and moved to California in the middle of her shift. She told me that she loves her new life, and wishes she would have quit sooner. I met someone who did not like Brexit, and just left the UK. I met a woman from India who moved to California because she was tired of the feminist oppression that she experienced in her native land. I met a man that has been to every country in the world except for 3. 

I have heard a ton of these stories. They all sound like mine. Fuck the establishment. I am around like minded people with similar feelings on the current state of society, which is pretty neat.

With all of that being said, I am coming home. The decision was too easy to make. At this point in my life, my environment is extremely important to my development and growth.  It is arguably the most vital component for me as I attempt to heal going forward.

When I get back to Allentown, I am going to get rid of everything I have. I am going to have a yard sale. I am going to sell both of my cars and get a van.  Even though I already resigned from my job, I want to personally thank my boss and my director for the opportunity they gave me to work for them. I am going to close my bank account and cash out every investment that I have. I am going to do my taxes. I am coming back home to Allentown to get my affairs in order.

I am coming back to Allentown, in order to prepare to leave Allentown.

I am moving to California.

If I really want to be healthy and I really want to live a long and happy life, that process needs to begin here. This is a place of healing. Staying in Allentown is no longer a choice for me. If I lived in Allentown, I would have legitimate health concerns. Moving to California is literally a life and death choice for me.

If I stay in Allentown, I am at the mercy of Pennsylvania law. While medical marijuana is legal in Pennsylvania, it cannot be subscribed to me for around another two years. The doctors in PA are not trained to subscribe it. What about the red tape for dispensaries? Who knows how long it will take in order for me to be able to get legitimate medicine in Allentown.

I do not have two years. 

I cannot tell cancer… “wait for two years until the cure is legal in my state.”

This needs to happen now.

If I stayed in Allentown and played by the rules, I would die. My doctor really wanted to give me a port in my shoulder. He wanted to administer chemotherapy and immunotherapy on me, starting in December. Imagine if I would have been doing that since December? I would have lost weight. I would not have been eating. I would be taking all kinds of opioids. I would have all types of poison inside my body. I might be dead. 

My doctor really wanted to kill me.

When taking all of this into consideration, moving to California was a no brainier. I can legally get medical marijuana here. The weather is warm and conducive to healing.  Didn’t it just snow in Allentown? Yesterday it was 75 degrees and sunny in Venice Beach.

What is better for me?

Do you want me to be healthy, or do you want me to live in Allentown because it will make YOU feel better?

This must happen.

I am choosing life.

My daughter has already called me crying. This time was not like West Virginia. I stood firm, and stood tall. I asked her... “Do you want your father to be alive or not?” If the answer is yes, then I need to live here.  

I want my daughter and her mother to live here too. I want my daughter’s mom’s boyfriend to come. I want her to be happy. I will help them. While there is opportunity in Allentown, Los Angeles is the second biggest city in United States.  There is plenty of opportunity here too. This environment would be great not only for my daughter, but for her mother too. 

If my daughters mother decides not to come, I am going anyway. Again, I feel like I have no choice. I did my part as a father and still plan on being the absolute best father that I can be. If my daughters mother decides not to come, I am going to attempt to eventually create an environment here that would enable my daughter to stay for an extended amount of time. Eventually I want her to maybe even have the option to move here with me. If my daughters mother totally rejects the idea and wants to put me on child support, so be it. I will not duck my responsibilities.

Ideally, I would love for my son and my mother to come. Not right now though. I need to be alone right now. Eventually they are more than welcome to join me, as long as they are self-sufficient. I am in no position to take care of another adult, including my son.

I know my mom can take care of herself, but I do not know if she wants to come or not. Now if my son wants to come, he has to be a man and he has to be able to take care of himself. If he can articulate to me how he can come out here with me and be successful, he is more than welcome to come.

While I am in California, it is not going to be all fun and games. I plan on getting a legitimate job. Now even though I want a job, it will not be full time. It will not be money driven either. I want to work at either a bookstore, a restaurant, or a grocery store. I will not work for more than 4 hours per day. I actually have already been offered a job. 

While I was at the Mediterranean restaurant, I told the owner my story. He loved me. He told me that if I needed employment while I am out here, he would hire me on the spot.

When I arrived at the hostel, I was pretty much just a fly on the wall. There is a communal area where everyone meets. I was just sitting there being quiet and doing my own thing.

There are people from literally all over the world that are staying here. There are younger people and older people. All ages, races, and nationalities are welcome. 

After a while, people began to introduce themselves to me. I ended up meeting people from Chile, Brazil, Argentina, London, Germany, France, India, Japan, Holland, King of Prussia, and everywhere in between. The bathroom is clean. The sleeping arrangements took a little getting used to, but they aren’t bad at all. I was just spoiled.

This is a community, and everyone plays a part. I did the dishes earlier. We all ate breakfast together. People who have just met have gone out to eat together, done activities together, and just chilled together. They drink here every night. The rooms are quiet though, which is definitely needed at times.

I hung out with the dude from Chile. A woman is waiting for me to finish this so we can go to eat together. This place promotes making connections, and encourages the building of bridges. Your race, color, religion, IQ, social status, and everything else in between does not matter.

This place is a true community, and I love it here.

The manager likes me. We have had sidebar conversations. She is black. She is from White Plains New York, so we have the East Coast connection in common. We talked about our lives. We talked about my cancer. She is like an aunt. She knows when I am scheduled to leave, and she doesn’t want me to go. I know I could get a job here. Other people who work here actually live here. I know that could be me. 

I am not sure if I want to live there though. I actually want to live in a van. I could make it work. LA Fitness locations are open from 5 am until midnight. That gives me a place to hang out for all but 5 hours per day. That also gives me a place to work out and take a shower. I already have a place to park too. B-Art works in a building that has a parking deck. It is secure. I could park there overnight every night. I could easily sleep there in a van. I would be completely safe. It actually sounds pretty fun.

Being homeless has been a truly humbling and rewarding experience. Before coming to the hostel, I spent one night on the street alone. I talked to another homeless woman who had cancer for 5 hours. She was 70 years old. It was amazing how smart she was, and how much knowledge she had. I am not sure what led her to her circumstances, but she was at one point a college professor. Homeless people at one point or another had “normal” lives too.

Have you ever been offered food? How about a dollar? Has someone ever stepped over you? I mean like how Allen Iverson stepped over Tyronne Lue? It was interesting being on the other side of those interactions. The totality of the situation was fascinating. Some people felt sorry for me. Some people were frightened of me. Some people laughed at me.

The worst part of the experience though was when people treated me like I was invisible. When you are homeless, you understand that not everyone can help you with food or a financial donation. Money is not always the answer though. A smile, a hello, and any type of acknowledgement can be just as important. Something as simple as letting a homeless person know that they exist really can go a long way in building the morale of a person in an otherwise difficult situation.

I know, I have experienced it.

This experience (as well as being poor for pretty much my entire life) has taught me to keep my overhead low. An LA fitness membership is 35 dollars per month. If I live in a van, I will only need money for food, gas, cell phone bill, car insurance, child support, and that is pretty much it. I can make that work.

Now when I am not working, it is not going to be all fun and games. I have a new purpose.

I have a psychology degree. I have had two encounters with cancer. I am a writer. I am going to use my life, my education, and my experiences to make a legitimate attempt at curing cancer.

Why not me?

Somebody has to do something. Nobody has to endure the pain that I went through. Chemotherapy and radiation almost killed me. Do you remember this? These pictures are from my first ever blog post…

I WENT THROUGH HELL. 

HELL!!!

There are alternative options. They are safer. They are better! I cannot just go back to my old life knowing what I know, especially after seeing what I saw and experiencing what I experienced. It broke my heart when I saw the other patients at Fox Chase. I knew I had something that they needed. I felt bad for them. I knew I had the medical marijuana. My experience is literally going to become my own case study. 

I have to tell the world what I think I know. I feel like I have the cure to cancer. It is multifaceted, so I will attempt break it down into 3 sections. I feel like there are 3 different things that can lead to a cure for everyone.

We need western technology. We need machines. We need accurate detection, and we need to have the ability to do surgery. Surgery can be a quick fix, and it needs to be an option.

Western technology is not enough though. We also need to meditate. I truly believe in mind over matter. I truly believe that my cancer manifested due to my issues with my mind. While I feel like my surgery cleared the cancer from my lung, I feel like me having the emotional breakdown that I had and telling the truth will prevent cancer from manifesting in my body in the future. I no longer have to conserve a bunch energy and use it to hold onto a mountain of lies. I am now free to use that energy in any way that I wish.

Meditation is not easy. It is actually pretty difficult. I feel like in order to cure cancer by using meditation for the average everyday individual, the meditation needs to be accelerated.

Enter the medical marijuana.

If you meditate while using medical marijuana, it takes you to a deep place. It takes you to an unimaginable world that I cannot conceptualize. Like I explained in a previous post, when you see what I saw…. you cannot unsee it.

I cannot unsee the dick.

This stuff really works. I posted a Ted Talk about a woman who had a similar experience as myself. In February of 2006, this woman was on her deathbed. She was 85 pounds and in a coma. The doctor gave her 1 hour to live.

While she was in this situation, she got deep. She had a vision. Now while my vision was induced by medical marijuana, her vision was induced by her coma and deteriorating state of health. She was pretty much dead, as I was. Don’t focus on that and miss the point. I am using this example to illustrate the power of the mind.  

While she was in this coma, her vision told her how to correct her cancer. Now even though she was on what many thought was her deathbed with tumors all over her body, she woke up after having her vision. Her tumors started to shrink. In a week, her tumors shrank by 70 percent. After 5 months, she did not have a trace of cancer in her body.  The mind led to this woman from having 1 hour to live, to becoming completely cancer free. No medicine, no treatment, no nothing. I feel like a similar experience happened to me.

The world needs to know this.

I am going to reach out to Anita, the woman who had that experience. Not only am I going to do that, I am also going to reach out to everyone who is working toward curing cancer. I have entered a niche community. I have been bumping into other people like myself. People have found my blog, and they have actually been reaching out to me. It is amazing to me how and who is "in the know" in reference to marijuana. The people who have quietly reached out to me after I made my marijuana revelation was kind of surprising. It is kind of mind blowing actually. 

I am going to work with others who use meditation with the intention of healing. I am going to research medical marijuana until I become am a subject matter expert. I am going to reach out to doctors and psychologists, share my experiences, and see if we can come up with something.

Now when I do this, I plan on doing it anonymously. Jay Z had a line in one of his songs that said, “The truest form of giving is anonymous to anonymous.” I really believe that. I am going to do that. I am doing this from my heart. Curing cancer is my new life purpose. I am going to attempt to achieve this goal in the dark. One thing I learned during this whole process is that you must correct what is wrong, in the dark. With that being said, I will contribute to society and work an honest job for around 4 hours per day in the light. Best believe though that I will be simultaneously attempting to cure cancer in the dark. 

I am going to do whatever it takes in an attempt to cure cancer. I am going to meet and collaborate with as many people as I can who are also in this niche community. If I have to meet with a guru in Tibet to talk about meditation, I am going to go. If I have to meet with a doctor in Germany who is working on a breakthrough and they want to talk to me about my story, I am going to go. I have joined forums and made connections. I am already working these angles, and this is already happening. 

Now I am not naïve. Doing what I intend to accomplish is going to cost money. I am going to publish and sell While we still can AND Bridges as soon as possible. I am going to get a job. Now while those revenue streams may be enough to get me by, I am going to need a little more money to assist me in moving around how I may need to in my I attempt to cure cancer.

When I first started this drive across the country, I did not want to take donations. Since then my life has led me to a position where I really do need help. I quit my job. I spent pretty much all of my money on my children.

If I do not receive one donation, that is ok. I will make it anyway. But as of today, I am literally a starving artist. I am kind of homeless, and kind of don’t have much. People have reached out and offered to help me. You now know who the real me is and who the old me was. I told you all my ugly truth, and I have nothing left to hide. If you still have it in your heart to donate, any help will be appreciated.

My GoFundMe account is still active. Here is the link. I set the goal at 1 million dollars. I have big dreams. Please share:

https://www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

So…

That is it.

This is the end… or is this the beginning? 

It is both. 

It is both the beginning, and the end. The bridge has been built. I love Allentown. Allentown raised me. Allentown made me tough, made me savvy, and made me resilient. I will always come back. Allentown will always be my home, and Allentown will always have my heart.

A new bridge has been built though. It is time for a change, and time for me to cross that bridge. It is time for me to move to California. 

I have literally been reborn. While I am in my infancy, I need to grow and develop in an environment that is conducive to health. As of today, the best and healthiest place in the world for me to live is in the state of California. 

I will continue to blog. I have fell in love with it. I will use this space for “fun.” I will do my creative writing here. I will spew my random thoughts here. I still need this space.

While I am not working or casually writing, rest assured that I will be attempting to fulfill my new life’s purpose.

I will be attempting to cure cancer...

in the dark.

Wish me luck.

I will talk to you soon.

Love.