It is 10:12 PM WST.
I am laying in bed.
Below is a picture of my bed.
I have the top bunk.
The blue bag on my bed is my laundry bag.
I don't know why I keep saying "my bed" like I own it.
It is merely the bed I sleep in.
Everything in that bag and the bag itself can fit into a single suitcase I have under the bottom bunk.
I can put that yellow bag that is on my bed on my back, put the blue bag and the clothing in it in my suitcase, and comfortably transport everything I own in this world with me wherever I want to go
In the meantime, I keep those extra bags on the outside of my bed for privacy.
Anyway...
Since it is 2017 and I have the ability as a writer to set the scene, that is what I just did.
While that scene serves as the backdrop for this story, that scene also metaphorically represents the motivation for my current state of mind:
I have to make moves.
---
With all of that being said, thank you for coming to my blog.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Not nearly as many people visit as they used to.
The viewership statistics for my blog have decreased dramatically.
I get it.
The severity of my actions caused me to lose a lot of relationships.
Family, friends, love... all gone.
One thing that this whole process has taught me though is that I cannot make people understand me, no matter how hard I try. While a lot of people read my story and were close to me during the entire process, I was the only person who actually took the walk. I don't only speak of my cancer walk either, but my entire walk through life.
A few days ago I saw the movie Moonlight. While I was not a fan of the ending, the bulk of the movie did a great job of showing how the influences of an adolescent shapes the course of not only their personalities, but their entire lives. If I am ever again put in situation where I am forced to explain the reason for my inadequacies as a man, I can point to that movie as a reference point. For the record, as a man I still take full responsibility for my actions, and have also paid the price for every single one of my faults.
Back to Moonlight for a second... I wasn't a fan of the ending because I didn't like the fact that the film never showed Chiron publicly embracing his true self. It makes me wonder if her ever did. If the writers would have had Chiron do that on camera, I feel like that display of liberation would have been even more impactful than the actual ending that the world was given.
Who am I though?
Back to my little story.
While my actions caused me to lose everything I had in this physical world, I feel like my mind and my spirit are both slowly healing. In addition to that, it is my hope that the universe has healed or will eventually heal all of those I hurt as well.
In my time of recovery, I have been lucky enough to stumble upon some very good counsel. After I realized my girlfriend was never going to take me back, I asked my counsel how I should move forward. I thought I needed another woman to make me happy.
My counsel broke things down, and really helped me understand the importance of valuing myself. Even though others may have lost faith in me, I know I have so much quality love to give to a woman. I want to give it all. My counsel helped me understand that the recipient of that love has to be special. I cannot just go around giving that love to everyone. I already saw all of the damage it had done. My counsel made me understand that going forward I would be wasting my time if I dealt with women who can only fulfill a few of my needs. My counsel also stated that those situations may actually prevent me from meeting a person that can fulfill all of my needs.
My counsel was right. While I definitely want love and want a woman to have fun with and spend time with, attempting to find love is not going to be my focus. I need to submit to my purpose. I am going to stay on my path. I will say this though:
Whether it is tomorrow morning or next year, if a woman of value gives me the chance to make her smile, I am not going to be the only one that is going to get lucky. I may not be perfect and she probably won't be either, but I promise that I am going to attempt to love her like she is.
For now though, I have to let that go and just let it come to me.
For now, I need to focus on my priorities.
I want my family.
I want my daughter
Before I get into that, I wanted to address a comment on Facebook that was directed towards me in reference to a post that I made about me missing my daughter.
I am going to be paraphrasing, but the person said something like this:
"If you really miss your daughter, you should have never moved to California."
Even though I said I no longer wanted to explain my actions, this is something I wanted to make sure I clarified to everyone.
I am laying in bed.
Below is a picture of my bed.
The blue bag on my bed is my laundry bag.
I don't know why I keep saying "my bed" like I own it.
It is merely the bed I sleep in.
Everything in that bag and the bag itself can fit into a single suitcase I have under the bottom bunk.
I can put that yellow bag that is on my bed on my back, put the blue bag and the clothing in it in my suitcase, and comfortably transport everything I own in this world with me wherever I want to go
In the meantime, I keep those extra bags on the outside of my bed for privacy.
Anyway...
Since it is 2017 and I have the ability as a writer to set the scene, that is what I just did.
While that scene serves as the backdrop for this story, that scene also metaphorically represents the motivation for my current state of mind:
I have to make moves.
---
With all of that being said, thank you for coming to my blog.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Not nearly as many people visit as they used to.
The viewership statistics for my blog have decreased dramatically.
I get it.
The severity of my actions caused me to lose a lot of relationships.
Family, friends, love... all gone.
One thing that this whole process has taught me though is that I cannot make people understand me, no matter how hard I try. While a lot of people read my story and were close to me during the entire process, I was the only person who actually took the walk. I don't only speak of my cancer walk either, but my entire walk through life.
A few days ago I saw the movie Moonlight. While I was not a fan of the ending, the bulk of the movie did a great job of showing how the influences of an adolescent shapes the course of not only their personalities, but their entire lives. If I am ever again put in situation where I am forced to explain the reason for my inadequacies as a man, I can point to that movie as a reference point. For the record, as a man I still take full responsibility for my actions, and have also paid the price for every single one of my faults.
Back to Moonlight for a second... I wasn't a fan of the ending because I didn't like the fact that the film never showed Chiron publicly embracing his true self. It makes me wonder if her ever did. If the writers would have had Chiron do that on camera, I feel like that display of liberation would have been even more impactful than the actual ending that the world was given.
Who am I though?
Back to my little story.
While my actions caused me to lose everything I had in this physical world, I feel like my mind and my spirit are both slowly healing. In addition to that, it is my hope that the universe has healed or will eventually heal all of those I hurt as well.
In my time of recovery, I have been lucky enough to stumble upon some very good counsel. After I realized my girlfriend was never going to take me back, I asked my counsel how I should move forward. I thought I needed another woman to make me happy.
My counsel broke things down, and really helped me understand the importance of valuing myself. Even though others may have lost faith in me, I know I have so much quality love to give to a woman. I want to give it all. My counsel helped me understand that the recipient of that love has to be special. I cannot just go around giving that love to everyone. I already saw all of the damage it had done. My counsel made me understand that going forward I would be wasting my time if I dealt with women who can only fulfill a few of my needs. My counsel also stated that those situations may actually prevent me from meeting a person that can fulfill all of my needs.
My counsel was right. While I definitely want love and want a woman to have fun with and spend time with, attempting to find love is not going to be my focus. I need to submit to my purpose. I am going to stay on my path. I will say this though:
Whether it is tomorrow morning or next year, if a woman of value gives me the chance to make her smile, I am not going to be the only one that is going to get lucky. I may not be perfect and she probably won't be either, but I promise that I am going to attempt to love her like she is.
For now though, I have to let that go and just let it come to me.
For now, I need to focus on my priorities.
I want my family.
I want my daughter
Before I get into that, I wanted to address a comment on Facebook that was directed towards me in reference to a post that I made about me missing my daughter.
I am going to be paraphrasing, but the person said something like this:
"If you really miss your daughter, you should have never moved to California."
Even though I said I no longer wanted to explain my actions, this is something I wanted to make sure I clarified to everyone.
The picture above is a picture of me following the last day of my radiation/chemotherapy treatment combination. That process lasted about for about 7 weeks. When my cancer metastasized, my doctor told me that he was going to surgically insert a port into my shoulder. That port was going to be used to administer chemotherapy and immunotherapy into my body. That process was set to begin in the middle of December. That was roughly 21 weeks ago.
I can only imagine how my body would have reacted to 21 weeks of chemotherapy treatment. That treatment would have started in the middle of December. It is cold in Allentown in the winter. I would have been severely depressed. I have no idea where I would have been living. I wanted to give up the first time. If I would have stayed home and listened to the world, I might be dead.
The picture above was taken of me two days ago. That was roughly 21 weeks after I would have begun my second round of chemotherapy.
Look at the difference between the two pictures. Forget about the physical differences for a moment. Take notice of my emotion. Attempt to feel my spirit.
In the first picture, my whole vibe was negative. As hard as it may be to believe, I felt even worse than I looked.
In the second picture, my whole vibe was positive. I was composed. I'm not sure if I was as happy as I looked in that moment, but I was doing half bad.
Now look at the physical differences. Actually, just look at the second picture. Even though I learned how to use Instagram, there is no filter. My face has filled in. My skin is smooth and clear. It is soft. My color has come back. My hair is thick and smooth. I know you cannot see it, buy teeth are whiter. I go the gym almost daily. I have an appetite. I am getting stronger. I am gaining weight.
Can you imagine what I would look like that if I would have followed the doctors orders, was a strong dad, and did as I was instructed? Can you imagine what I would look like today if I would have followed Pennsylvania law and proceeded with all of their pharmacological recommendations?
Whenever I am missing my daughter, I have to remind myself of this:
I would rather be able to have a two way dialogue with her over the phone, rather than her having a one way dialogue with my tombstone.
Moving to California was no longer an option. It was a matter of life or death. I was depressed. I was tired. Again, I cannot begin to conceptualize where my mind has been, so I will not attempt try. I will just say that it wasn't going to be the cancer or the treatment that ultimately killed me. I was ready to quit. I would have eventually committed suicide.
Hopefully that small explanation will help give clarity to those who did not understand the reasoning behind my decision.
I wish I dive back into the negative in any way, but that touched a small part of my soul and I wanted to make a point to address it.
After I addressed that, I wanted to address the fact that I was called out for not mentioning that I missed my son enough. We have family business that we are working out and that is the business.of nobody else. I will just leave it at that.
Moving on.
---
I am trying.
I am tired, but I am really trying.
I am trying to build a brand.
When I first moved to LA, I spent a lot of time attempting to convince people that I had a good idea. In hindsight, I can understand how I looked like I was all over the place. I was.
I feel like I have gotten to a space that enables me to harness the excitement of a new idea into the energy that helps me create and explain it.
Within the last 10 days I have created a website, made a documentary, and created two different web stores. Each web store contains over 100 different products featuring six original logos that I created and had copyrighted.
A quick story about the two main logos:
I had originally asked B-art to design a logo for me. I told him I would pay market value for his work. He told me the price was 300 dollars, and the turnaround time was around two weeks. I had like 17 dollars in cash and $2.46 in change in my pocket at the time, so I knew that paying Bart for a logo wasn't going to work.
Later that night, I started playing with my IPad. I started googling software programs that were used to edit photos and make logos. I then checked the App store. I found a bunch of apps that looked like they would help me achieve my goal of making a logo.
For the next 24 hours, I became fixated on creating a logo. I did not move. I sat. I messed up. I messed up again. I messed up over a thousand times.
I kept trying. I read. I experimented. I obtained small victories that I built on. Literally a day later, I came up with this...
The title of my upcoming book is THEDEATHOFaCANCERpatient. "The Death of Cancer" is the only thing that is capitalized in the title. This skull logo symbolizes the beautiful death of cancer, not the death of the patient.
I am the patient, and I am still alive.
The literal interpretation of that logo in words was the focus of the second logo I created. That logo is below...
I love this logo. It is clever, yet self explanatory when you take a second to break it down.
Those are two of the six logos I created. I cannot tell you how proud of them I am. They are mine. They are inspirations that came from my life. They are literally visual expressions of my soul. They mean that much to me. I was really, really, emotional when they were done.
Words cannot explain how happy I was when I saw them on actual apparel. I got a little chocked up. Here are some pictures...
I have created a brand. In all honesty, what separates my "brand" from a lot of other brands is that the inspiration comes from a purposeful place. I was a former cancer patient that went through the hell that is cancer treatment, who has now devoted his life to curing cancer. The concept behind the brand cannot be any more authentic.
The other 4 logos that I made are just as meaningful. All of the explanations of the designs are included in the product descriptions of my web store. These designs are literally the story of my life. They are my therapy. They are my everything.
In addition to the two clothing web stores, I have a website. I have a book that is set to release. I have a documentary. I already have another book that is still available for sale. I have tangible goods that are available for purchase. I haven't even mentioned the fact that my life is a literal case study.
Here is the method:
I am trying to use those tangible goods to create revenue. I want to spend the rest of the money I have on my own products. I then want to reach out to every business owner I know in the Lehigh Valley with the intent of hopefully putting my products in their store. I am going to create digital flyers summarizing my story to go along with the products. I hope to flip that revenue into more capital that will help buy more products, help me buy time to finish my book, that will help me eat food every day, and that will enable me to have a place to sleep every night.
I am also going to be a vendor at Flea Markets. I am also going to be a vendor on Venice Beach, Santa Monica, and on Hollywood Blvd. I am going to create a beautiful weatherproof poster. The poster is going to be colorful. It is going to be short and to the point, but still it will still have enough information to captivate a potential shopper in the time it will take to walk by me.
I went to a Flea Market today in an affluent neighborhood in Hollywood. I talked to a lot of the vendors.It costs around 100 dollars to rent a stand for the day. Your stand can be open from 9am-5pm.
I spent a good chunk of time at the Flea Market. I noticed a few things.
Fist things first, there was a lot of activity. It was pretty busy the whole day.
The second thing I noticed was that there was a mixed crowed. Cancer is a disease that unfortunately impacts a lot of older adults. Cancer patients are my target demographic, so I am sure they will be interested in the information I will have available. My apparel looks really nice too, so I am sure the look will fresh and colorful look of some of my designs will draw in a younger crowd.
The last thing I quickly noticed was that despite the shoppers differing in age, they all had something in common. A lot of them could afford my apparel, and a lot of them could afford to donate to my cause and make a real difference in my life.
The intent of me creating this merchandise was to bring awareness to the book. The intent of the merchandise is to buy me time to finish the book. It is done in my mind, and 95 percent written. I know how I want to bring it all together. I just want to be ablt o focus on that and not dinner every day.
After the book is done I want to continue to learn, and continue to collaborate with people around the world who truly care about curing cancer. I don't want to worry about money. It isn't like I am not working. I am working in an attempt cure one of the most prominent and deadliest diseases in the world. With help, I came up with what I believe is a formula that cured my own cancer. It is my goal to share this information with everyone else.
It is going to take one big donation, a few mid-level donations, or many small donations to buy me that time. Here is the thing though:
No matter which way it is going to happen, it is going to happen.
I believe in my story. It is eventually going to reach the right person or group of people, and they are going to change my life.
I am in the second largest city in the United States. I have become familiar with a lot of its most prominent areas. I spent the last two years thoroughly documenting what in effect ended up being a cancer curing case study. I have wrapped that information up into a nice pretty bow, and now it is ready to presented to the world. I feel like one of two things are going to happen:
I am going to be on the Santa Monica Pier with my display one day, and some sixty-something year old man is going to read it. He is going to be captivated. Unfortunately he is also going to have prostate cancer, his wife may have breast cancer, or his grandson may have a brain tumor. He is gong read my story, and he is going to understand that he needs my help. He is going to save my life by giving me a six-figure donation in support of my cause, and I am going to give him the information that is either going to save his life or the life of someone close to him.
It is all a numbers game. I just need to find the right person or group of people to believe in me. My story is real, and it is important. I believe in it. I am all in on it.
It will either be that, or someone is going to shoot me in between the eyes for trying to reveal this information. I am no longer afraid to die, so to that I say shoot your shot.
I wanted to make this post to clarify my intent. It is my hope that nobody misconstrues what I am attempting to do. I really want to cure cancer. If you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out. If you wish to donate to my cause by either purchasing merchandise to my web store or donating to my gofundme account, both links can be found if you scroll down on the homepage of my website. My website is...
In Summation
My short term goals:
I would like to find a room to rent. Communal living would be better if I had my own little space. I know what I signed up for when I moved in here, but I am ready to have a little more room than the top of a bunk bed. It is my hope that my future room will be able to accommodate my daughter for short stays.
I would like my mom to move here with me in the next month or two. We could move in together. We would figure it out. That would create the space for my daughter.
I want to release my book no later than the 4th of July. The freeing of my mind was like an independence day, so the theme does kind of fit.
Well, that is all for now.
It is 3:14 AM LA time.
I am going to go for a walk.
Love
