It is 8:02 pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table. The kitchen is my favorite room in the home because that is where food is stored, prepared, and eaten. And when food is prepared, I can eat it now…

About two weeks ago I began drinking chicken broth. A day or two after that I started to eat pureed soup without issue. A few days after that, I successfully ate vegetable barley.

Things were really going well. I was trying to pace myself when getting back to eating, because I did not want to have a setback like I had before. My throat became sore after I drank chicken broth or even water for that matter. I became full pretty quickly even only after eating just a little bit of food. I only tried to eat one time per day. The rest of my nutrition continued to come from my feeding tube.

As the days passed, things kept getting better. Instead of eating one meal a day, I would eat two meals per day. One meal would be just a runny egg or two and the other would be something like soup… but they were meals. Periodically I would eat the squishy pureed baby food. The more I ate, the more my neck and throat muscles got used to it.  My appetite was also increasing. Things were rapidly improving.

Last Friday for breakfast I ate soggy cereal with blueberries and cut up bananas. For lunch I cut up some very small pieces of chicken and put them into vegetable barely soup, and ate it all without a problem. For dinner I made myself a salad that included very small pieces of chicken. That night or the next morning, my throat wasn’t really sore at all. I hadn’t used my feeding tube all day other than to take medication.  That was a big step.

All of the food I was eating was organic. The eggs, chicken, salad ingredients, milk for my cereal, and EVERYTHING else was entirely organic.  Since I had been putting just organic food in my feeding tube for quite a while and I felt like it was giving me energy, I figured I would only put organic food in my body when it was time for me to eat. I was eating stuff that I would have NEVER eaten prior to having cancer. I was eating squash, chick peas, millet, and a whole bunch of foods that I had never even heard of.

This past Sunday evening, I decided it was cheat day. We had just had a blizzard, and I was shoveling snow for the majority of the weekend. I wanted to treat myself. We ordered my favorite pizza, and I drove to the store in the snow to get my favorite pie. The pizza was authentic pan from one of my favorite restaurants. The pie was a cherry crumb pie. I LOVE cherry crumb pie.

When the pizza came, it smelled so good. When the pie was in the oven, it also smelled delicious. I was so happy. After all of this time and everything I had been through, I was finally going to indulge in a delicious meal without being in any pain.

When I took my first bite of the pizza, I was extremely surprised at what happened. I didn’t like it. I took another bite, but it tasted just as bad. I asked Abby if there was anything wrong with the pizza, and she advised me that it was ok. When I tasted the pizza, all I tasted were chemicals. It was disgusting to me.

After being disappointed with the pizza, I figured the cherry pie would make up for it. I was wrong. I took one bite, and all I could taste was sugar. I couldn’t even swallow it. I just threw it away. I couldn’t believe it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized what was going on. I went through radiation treatment. My taste buds were literally burned off and had regrown. They were brand new. All of the food I was eating was organic, so my taste buds were getting acclimated to real food without all of the chemicals in it. When I finally tasted food with chemicals in it, I could tell the difference right away. Even though I liked those tastes before, I hated them now. And that was alright.

Eating bad food is kind of like drinking beer. Most people who try beer for the first time do not like it. The more they drink it though, the more they begin to like it. The same thing goes with bad food. I don’t want to like bad food anymore, so I have made the conscious decision to no eat any of it any more.

So from now on it is no more eating pizza, and no more cherry pie. A lot of people have offered to cook me all of the old food that I used to like, but I have to respectfully decline. It is incredibly difficult to eat only healthy food. Not even because of the taste, because I like healthy food now. Squash tastes good. I was craving Spelt flakes this afternoon. Salads are delicious. Eating healthy is difficult because of convenience. It is so easy to eat badly. There are fast food restaurants everywhere.  Cooking takes time.

With all things considered, the risk is not worth the reward. I went through hell, and I don’t want to go back. I want to live. I have to remain disciplined. Preparation is key. I need to pre-plan what and when I am going to eat daily like I have to plan out the rest of my day. It is difficult, but I am fully committed. Educating myself on what is and isn’t healthy is important. Just because something says it is healthy doesn’t mean that it is. Also, just because something is organic doesn’t mean that it is healthy either. It is all in the ingredients.   

I am going to eat mostly fruits and vegetables. I am also going to eat fish and chicken, but not very much and not every meal. I am done eating red meat, pork, and most other meat. I am eliminating sugar and white flour because they feed tumors. I am really on it. I didn’t want to become “that guy,” but I have become that guy.

Anyway… that is enough preaching. I just wanted to give those who asked an update. Next step for me is getting this feeding tube removed from my stomach. That day will come soon. The gym has been going well. I am getting stronger, and have gained even more weight. My patience has paid off, and life is getting better. I have to and will keep going. I hope all is well with everyone. Love.

-Kyle

It is 8:12pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table.  A lot happened this week, and I just wanted to take some time and let it sink in before I reflected on it.

This past Monday morning I had a doctor’s appointment at which time I was going to get the results of my PET scan. The results of the PET scan would in turn give me the status of my cancer.

In the weeks prior to getting the scan, the potential results of the test really haunted me. I was scared, nervous, and pessimistic. I thought that since I had not healed at the rate that I expected to prior to receiving treatment that the cancer was going to continue to grow. I really did not want to do any more treatment. I told myself that if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t do anymore treatment. Treatment really sucks, and the recovery from treatment is even worse. I was lying to myself though. I love life, and I really want to continue living. I would do the treatment.

 I think it is funny when people tell me how brave I am for taking on cancer. I am not brave. David Bowie just died from cancer. Stuart Scott, Jim Valvano, and countless other people in this world died from cancer. Cancer scared the shit out of me. It’s not like I was walking down the street with my crew and all of a sudden a crew of illnesses/diseases challenged us to a fight… and my friends picked athlete’s foot, a cold, and a sore throat… while I picked cancer. Cancer chose me.  I did not want to fight cancer, but I had no choice.

In the days before the scan, my mood really changed. I really stopped caring. I was just tired. The anxiety and stress of the whole situation really wore me out. I just wanted to know the results one way or another, so I could start the next phase in my life.

On the day I was to get my results, I got to the cancer center at 8:15. My mom, my grandfather, and Abby met me there. Abby accompanied me to get my vitals and the news from the doctor, while my mom and grandfather waited in the lobby. When the medical assistant weighed me, I had gained 5 pounds in the last week. When she took my blood pressure, she said it was perfect. Everything else was where it was supposed to be. When I got into the patient room I sat on the patient chair, and was swinging my legs like a little boy. I felt good, and was confident that the results were going to be good.

My oncologist Dr. Nakajima is the person who ordered the PET scan, and he was going to be the one who would give me the results. Dr. Nakajima always walks around the office with this cart with wheels that holds his laptop, and the cart always makes a loud creaky noise when he rolls it around. While sitting in the room for a while, we heard the cart coming down the hall. He was headed to out room.

As soon as Dr. Nakajima walked in the room I noticed that he was smiling. I wasn’t sure if he was smiling because he is naturally goofy… or because he had some good news to tell me. Before he even closed the door, he told me he had good news for me. I looked at Abby and started smiling. He proceeded to tell me that my cancer was in remission. He then explained to me exactly what that meant while simultaneously answering some other questions that I had. He then examined me and had me schedule another appointment for another PET Scan in 3 months. I gave him a hug, and that was it.

I did not react how I thought I was going to react. When I received the good news, I followed it up with more questions rather than celebrating emphatically. Abby and I smiled at each other, and that was pretty much it. When I got to the lobby I hugged my mother and my grandfather. I explained to them what the Dr. told me, and then we all just left. Nothing too dramatic happened. Then I got to my car.

As soon as I closed my car door and realized I was alone, I broke down. I put my head on the steering wheel and just started crying. I first went to the doctor to complain about my ear pain on May 29, 2015. I was taking six Advil at a time every few hours every day for a few months before that in an attempt to hide my pain from everyone. I had 35 radiation treatments, 3 chemotherapy treatments, 6 emergency visits, and countless other appointments. I had a feeding tube in my stomach. I suffered from so much pain, and so many sleepless nights. I threw up so many times. I went through about 20-25 different types of medication. I suffered from dysphagia, pneumonia, dehydration, depression, suicidal thoughts, lymphedema, thrush, neuralgia, and countless other side effects. I lost 40 pounds. I still couldn’t eat or drink. Everything I had gone through was simultaneously playing in my mind, causing my emotions to get the best of me. Just like when I found out I had cancer, I was sitting alone in my car crying my eyes out.

I didn’t cry for long though. After having a literal outpouring of emotion it was time to move on with my life. I started my car, put on August Alsina’s new album, and started to drive. One side note… I want to give a big shout out to August Alsina. Both of his albums got me through some hard days and nights. He himself suffered from depression, and both of his albums talk about having hope, perseverance, and working through a variety of issues. Ok back on topic… as soon as I left the cancer center parking lot I randomly just started screaming. I mean really loud screaming. I will be fighting cancer for the rest of my life, but it felt good knowing that I won this round and I will be able to fight another day.

This cancer fight really broke me down. It broke me down physically and mentally. I feel like the entirety of this experience left me as a shell of myself, with just my core as a person remaining. And that is ok. Initially I told myself that when I beat cancer and was able to eat I was going to indulge in any and every type of food. After really thinking about it, my mindset changed. I lost 40 pounds during this process. I feel like all of the weight that I lost was bad weight. I feel like this process removed everything bad that was in my body. I would be a fool to fill it back with bad stuff. I decided to look at these circumstances as an opportunity. From now on I am going to eat healthy. Abby read a book entitled “Anti-cancer: A New Way of Life,” which talks about living a healthy lifestyle that will prevent an individual’s likelihood of developing cancer. In the book it talks about how the diet in the western world is literally a recipe for cancer, and how a lot of the foods in the United States are banned in other countries. I’m not going to use this time to talk about how I feel like the FDA, pharmaceutical companies, and our government wants the average individual to get sick… but learning about preservatives, pesticides, genetically modified organisms, and what is considered “food” in this country is really enlightening and sad at the same time. With that being said, I am going to build my body up the right way. Right now everything I put in my tube is organic. When I am able to eat it will be just the same. While organic food is more expensive, the price to pay for eating this stuff that is called “food” is much greater. Now there will be times when I eat Oreo cookies and cheesesteaks because I know I am going to die no matter what, but it won’t be nearly as much as before.

So that is where I am at right now. I have a new mindset, rebooted body, and a second chance at life. I have been consistently going to the gym. I have gained 7 pounds and already feel stronger. My body feels good now that I am filling it with the proper nutrients. I can drink liquids now. I ate pureed organic soup the other day, and am slowing trying to incorporate other soft foods into my diet. I am making drastic changes in all aspects of my life that will hopefully keep me happy and healthy for a long time, while simultaneously attempting to get the most out of every moment because I understand that any day can be my last. I encourage you all to do the same. 

It is 8:29 PM. I am sitting at the kitchen table. I just got back from the gym a little while ago. While I am nowhere near what I used to be, I am taking baby steps and moving in the right direction. One thing this whole process has taught me is to be patient.  There are going to times in life when there are days, weeks, months, and years where you see no progress when attempting to achieve a goal… but if you keep doing the right things all of a sudden you will have a breakthrough. That doesn’t just apply to recovering from cancer, but to all aspects of life. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I am still not eating or drinking, but I am not complaining. I have lymphedema, which is swelling in my neck from excess fluid. My lymph nodes and muscles in my neck are damaged from the radiation and are unable to get rid of the fluid that is usually dispersed throughout my body. This excess fluid is pressing on a nerve in my head causing me to have constant nerve pain, or “neuralgia.” It sucks. I take medication for it but it doesn’t work. I can manage the pain for the most part, with the exception of sleeping. If I am sleeping and I turn my head to the side where I had my treatment that is where the fluid goes… causing more pressure on my nerve and causing me to wake up in pain. I wake up a few times a night, every night. I do these massages to help me with it, but the pain is still there. My doctors tell me it will take time to heal… so again I just have to be patient.

This Friday January 8^th I have my PET scan. The PET scan is what will show if there is cancer still in me and if the treatment worked.  I am not going to lie… I am nervous. Very nervous. I have been in many pressure packed situations in my life whether it be in sports or otherwise, but nothing and I mean nothing compares to this. I try to keep myself busy, but it is all I think about. I really, really want the cancer to be gone. I don’t want to go through any more treatment. I have gone through so much and am still going through it. I still cannot eat or drink! I have had so much pain, battled depression, and contemplated ending my own life. If I still have the cancer I will do whatever I have to do to stay alive, but I just want to be done with everything and move on. I don’t want to talk too much about this scan or the cancer though. But if you are reading this I ask that you say a prayer to GOD, Allah, the sun, and whoever or whatever else you believe in for me. I believe that no matter whatever our beliefs are that our thoughts have an impact on the universe. Hopefully the energy of everyone will make things move in the right direction for me. Thank you.

Other than that, I have been trying to live as much as possible. I went to the Kevin Hart show the other day. I laughed, even though laughing hurts because I still have this tube in my stomach and my throat is still sore.  I try to go to Allen basketball games when I can. Those boys Talek and Tyrese put on a show every time they play. I even had a New Year’s Eve party. It wasn’t that kind of party though. It was a kid’s party. Here are some of the highlights… 

This was them under control...

This was them most of the night... 

A picture of me and them. Yes I have on a Snuggie. I wear it all of the time and I love it. 

This how they entertained me and themselves... 

I am not sure how or why Kayvon aka Cheese isn't famous yet for dancing... but he needs to be. 

Anyway, that has been my life for the past few weeks. My last post was really negative and depressing. Since then I have really been trying to stay positive, optimistic, and been trying to keep my thoughts occupied... even though January 8th constantly runs through my mind. Hopefully the next time I write on this blog I will be doing some type of drinking or eating... and will have good news in reference to my scan. I hope everyone is doing well. Talk to you soon. 

-Kyle