This thing called life.

What is it all about?

Is it about receiving external validation from others, or is about the acceptance of self? Is it about conquering pursuits driven by the ego, or is it about submitting to the will of the universe? Is it about self-preservation, or about complete vulnerability?
...

Humanity... what are we doing?

We are tired. We are depressed. We are angry.

Our food is killing us. Our media is killing us. Our governments are killing us.

We are killing ourselves.

Even though we have all of human history to reference, why as a collective is humanity so unhappy?
...

It has been about 3 weeks since I returned to Los Angeles. I recently spent ten days visiting my hometown of Allentown, PA. I have had some time to process my thoughts about going home, so I figured I would take some time to express those thoughts in this space.

When I moved to Los Angeles in March, a lot of people didn't quite understand what I was doing. To be totally honest, I didn't quite understand what I was doing either. Even though my mind was dealing with the fear of leaving everything I had ever known behind, my heart was telling me that the best thing to do in an attempt to heal was to go. After much thought, many uncertainties, and no real plan... I decided to take a leap of faith, let my intuition lead the way, and move to Los Angeles.

As of today, there is no documented cure for cancer. There have been a few success stories over the years, but more times than not the cancer journey for most people has ended in a hospital bed. I knew in my heart that if I continued to follow the standard cancer treatment protocol, that my journey was going to end in a hospital bed too.

I went through chemotherapy and radiation treatment, only to have the cancer metastasize in November of 2016. This was less that six months after my doctors told me that I was in remission.

The disease had spread from my throat into my bloodstream. According to my doctor, most people in my condition only lived for about another year.

Damn.

That was a dark place.

I have the chills right now just thinking about it.

That is when it really hit me:

Death.

It is all over.

Kyle Kostic was going to die
...

I always knew that death would eventually come.

Despite that, I lived my entire life thinking that I had all of this time to do all of these wonderful things. I always thought that death was going to wait for me until I was finished. It wasn't until the morning I was given that news that I realized that death doesn't wait for anyone.

Not even me.

After processing this information and circling through a wide range of emotions, I had an honest moment of reflection. My entire life flashed through my eyes.

I had a fun childhood. I watched my baby boy become a young man. I saw my daughter smile. I did professional and volunteer work that inspired people, helped people, and saved people. I stood on the Pyramid of Giza, took a selfie with Creation in the Sistine Chapel, and saw Mt Fuji with my own eyes. I engaged in physical and mental competition at very high levels in a variety of different ways. I had great friendships. I engaged in loving relationships with some of the smartest, most beautiful, and funnest women in the world.

On February 1st, 2017, I was scheduled to have surgery to remove a tumor in my lung. The procedure was a risk due to the location of my tumor. I was scared that I wasn't going to make it out alive.

Even if I did make it out of surgery, this process was just delaying the inevitable. The cancer was in my bloodstream. It was too late. It was eventually going to continue to resurface throughout my body until it killed me.

If I would have died that morning, everyone would have said that I was a great man. They would have said that I did all of these wonderful things that had a positive impact on the world.

So why on that morning did I feel so much regret?

I regretted not giving my all. I regretted not being my true self. I regretted living in fear. I regretted attempting to receive external validation from others in the form of my appearance, my education, or my job title. I regretted not being more vulnerable. I regretted suppressing my true feelings. I regretted not aiming higher. I regretted not chasing my dreams.

On the morning of my surgery, I made myself a promise. I told myself that if I made it out alive, I was going to live the rest of my life on my terms. I wasn't going to be afraid. I was going to do everything that I loved. I was going to express my true feelings. I was going to create. I was going to aim high, follow my heart, and chase my dreams. I was going to love.

All I ever wanted in life was to be loved. I thought that in order to receive the love from the world that I wanted, I needed to be the type of person that the world wanted me to be. I was afraid to be the real me, because I was afraid that the world wouldn't love me for who I really was.

I worried about external validation from others too much. That prevented me from ever accepting and loving my true self.

Too many of my pursuits were driven by my ego. I didn't trust or believe in the flow of the universe at all.

My fear of not being loved and accepted led to my lack of vulnerability. My lack of vulnerability led to too much self preservation, which led to me suppressing my true feelings.

My entire life was out of balance.

The surgery ended up being a success. Even though I made it out alive, the clock was ticking. My anxiety was elevated. I thought that every random sensation in my body was my next tumor. I often thought about my final tumor... and my final days.

Prior to my surgery, I began using cannabis oil. It helped me sleep better. It helped me eat more. It helped me meditate deeper. It eventually became my supplement of choice for everything.

I also began using cannabis oil to help induce meditation. This combination gave my mind access to my entire memory, allowing me to reverse engineer my entire life. I got so deep into my brain that my ability to perceive time and the external world was gone. While I was in that internal space, I could accurately recall and review a lifetime full of memories at an accelerated rate.

This process forced me to face my fears. It unearthed a series of very specific suppressed memories of trauma that were buried in my unconscious mind. Processing what I saw helped me understand why I developed into an introvert, and also helped me understand what the motivating factor was behind all of my life's choices.

I was afraid.

I was overprotective of my family because I was afraid they wouldn't be safe.

I worked a lot because I was afraid of not being able to afford the things that I thought would make me happy.

I didn't fully express my truth because I was afraid of not being accepted by my loved ones, my colleagues, and society in general.

That suppression of fear took energy. My lack of of expression led to an energy blockage in my throat chakra. This combination ultimately resulted in the manifestation of Cancer in my throat.

In addition to helping me understand why I got cancer, the cannabis oil induced meditation regimen also helped me understand what I needed to do in order to heal. I needed to face my fears, release my suppression, and tell the world the truth.

In early March of 2017, I told my truth. I was in an intense emotional semi-hallucinated state that words cannot describe. I released my suppression by telling the woman that was my world every lie that I ever held in, including the fact that I cheated on her. When I was finished doing that, I went on to write a 37 page confessional that I posted on this blog. That post was eventually taken down by blogger.com administrators for being too "informative."

After unearthing those memories, facing my fears, and releasing the negative energy that was once buried in my unconscious mind... the energy blockage that was at my throat chakra was cleared. My body naturally began to receive and distribute energy from that area, and I began to heal.

The simplest way I can explain this in laymen's terms is in the form of an analogy:

It was like the cancer was a computer virus. When you run a computer scan, the objective is to find and delete the corrupt files that have a negative impact on the functionality of the entire system.

My negative memories were my corrupt files. The cannabis oil induced meditation regimen was my computer scan. My body was the system.

After the scan was completed and the negative files were removed, my system was clean. I then updated the software. I developed a new code. New rules were created. The new information I gathered from the scan ultimately resulted in improved performance and a prolonged life for my system.

After completing the meditation and releasing those negative thoughts, my body was clean. I then updated my mind. I developed a new positive outlook on life. Truthful expression became mandatory. The new information I gathered from the meditation ultimately resulted in improved performance and a prolonged life for my body.

While today I am not 100 percent perfect, today I am now 100 percent me.

It took a lot of work, pain, and perseverance to get to this point.

While I still use my ego to attempt to conquer personal challenges, those challenges are in a conscious effort to help the collective benefit and to contribute to the continued harmonious flow of the universe.

My increased vulnerability has led to increased expression and creativity. That creativity and expression has led to more positive energy being put back into the world.

While I still want validation and acceptance from others, I will not attempt to receive that validation and acceptance at the expense of me living outside of my truth.

My body has since stayed balanced.

I have not had any pain.

I have not had any more tumors.

I am doing ok.
...

While in Allentown last month, I spent time with people who laughed with me, mentored me, and inspired me. I visited multiple places where I had a lot of great memories.

While Allentown will always have a special place in my heart, my trip confirmed to me that moving to Los Angeles was the right decision. Even though Allentown and the East Coast raised me, Los Angeles and California had become the best environment for me to continue to grow.

That decision led many people to believe that I was abandoning my family. I took a lot of criticism for my actions, due to the fact that a lot of people did not understand my intent.

What I was attempting to do was inspire them. I didn't want to my loved ones to see me die in a hospital bed. I wanted them to see me attempt to come up with an answer, or die trying. I wanted them to see me live my life on my own terms, because that is ultimately what I want them to be able to do for themselves.

I couldn't just talk it.

I had to live it.

Everyone that knows me, knows how much I love my family. Being without them is extremely difficult. I get really emotional when I think about how much I miss everyone.

Despite that, I know in my heart that what I am doing is right. I have to be the leader. I am attempting to create a new foundation for my family here. I am willing to sacrifice a short amount of time without them now in an attempt to eventually provide them with a long term home in this location in the future. I want them to be in a environment where they too can continue to grow, have fun, and continue to become the best version of themselves.

A paradigm shift is occurring in California.

This is a place where leaders, creators, and innovators are joining forces in an attempt to change the world. I am creating a network that includes some old fiends, and some new friends too...

A paradigm shift is also occurring in me.

I am growing into the leader, creator, and innovator that I always wanted to be. I am no longer afraid. I want to share the treatment regimen that healed my Stage IV Cancer with the world. I want to work on new ideas that will benefit the collective. I want to collaborate with progressive minds that also have the same intentions. I have all of human history available to reference. I have an abundance of real life experience to draw from.

Why not me?

I also want to have fun. I want to spend time in an environment that allows me to be outside for 12 months out of the year. I want to spend time in a place that allows my inner child to play. I want to be in a place that inspires me to be creative.

After traveling the world, I think I have found that place...

...

After 37 years of life, I still have a lot of unanswered questions.

All I know is that I am no longer tired. I am no longer depressed. I am no longer angry.

I eat food that is healthy. I don't let the media manipulate my mind.

I am no longer killing myself.

I am no longer afraid.

I am no longer dying.

I am ALIVE.

If you are still reading this, it is my hope that my story helps you or someone you love in some way.

It is also my hope that if you already aren't doing so, you begin to start chasing your dreams.

Life is a gift.

Enjoy your present.

Love,

https://www.instagram.com/kylekostic/
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