12:03 am... kitchen table. I can't sleep so I figured I would write a poem. 

The sun still rises,

and the sky remains blue,

but the world just isn’t the same,

if I exist without you;

All of our deep conversations,

and great times we shared,

makes me really wonder,

why you are no longer here;

Since you’ve been gone,

physically I am not the same,

my mind isn’t as sharp,

and I don’t feel like my name;

I have spent many nights,

with tears in my eyes,

pain in my heart,

and with death on my mind;

Despite leaving me so fast,

which was much to my dismay,

you actually did me a favor,

with what you took away;

Cancer wanted to kill me,

a fact of which you knew,

so when you decided to leave me,

You took cancer with you too;

I have been through the darkness,

walked through the rain,

got lost during the process,

and almost succumbed to the pain;

While cancer took a lot from me,

I am still myself at my core,

and while the old me is gone,

I WILL become better than before.

...

Yes I like to write poetry too. It really helps with my depression. Even though things aren't great right now, they aren't horrible and as bad as they have been. While I still deal with daily bouts of depression and continuous pain from my treatment, I am trying to stay mentally sharp and positive. I want to try to go to the gym tomorrow, but I literally have insomnia and do not sleep. I have tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to get on some type of sleep schedule, but it just is not happening.

Weighing 150 pounds really sucks though. That is kind of what I was getting at in my poem. There were so many things that were tied to my identity that cancer took away from me. I lost 40 pounds, I was no longer the athlete, and mentally I could no longer function how I was accustomed to because I was so overly medicated. I did not feel like myself, and I felt like a part of me was gone forever.

I went to a birthday party the other night and had a really good time. I was dancing with my daughter, chilling with my son, and just hanging out with people I consider my family.It was honestly one of the first times that I did not have to pretend that I was happy. Every time I look happy, it is because I am faking it.  I have to stay strong and positive for my family.  I am trying to be myself again. It is hard though. Doing the most normal stuff gets me tired. I had to go to the car a few times to tube feed myself during the party. Here are some pictures of the party...

 Me and the birthday girl

Family

Here is a video of me preparing for the party. I have to keep living... lol

I went to the South Mall in Allentown the other day, and I had to sit down three times while walking because I was so tired. I am still doing 100 percent of eating and drinking through my feeding tube. I try to fill it with nutrients that will give me energy, but there is no real substitute for real food. But I am getting there. My pneumonia is gone but now I have thrush, which is a side effect of taking antibiotics. It is always something. I am not going to dwell on it though. My throat seems to be getting a little better, even though swallowing still causes pain. If you ever see me with a paper towel in my mouth, it is because I don't want to swallow and the paper towel is catching my drool.

Anyway... I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. Even though I am not a Christian I do participate in gift giving. With my cancer preventing me from working for such a long time, the presents will not be as abundant as they have been as in years past. My family is all understanding though. And if anyone says they weren't abundant before, I have video evidence to prove it. This was just Maecee's Christmas a few years ago...

Well that is all I have for now. It is 1:21am. I am going to try and get some sleep, but we will see what happens. I love everyone. Seriously. Have a good day. 

-Kyle

It is 5:30pm. I am sitting at my kitchen table. It has been a little over a month since I have updated this blog. As I have said before, when your life sucks it is pretty difficult to sit down and talk about it. Since I still have people inquiring on my status, I figured I would sit down and write something.

About 3 weeks ago I ate eggs. I thought I was on top of the world. I sat and figured out that if I took enough Advil, drank enough water and chewed very thoroughly… I could eat pretty much anything.

 I told myself that as soon as I could eat I was going to Las Vegas to the Bacchanel Buffet, which is the biggest buffet in North America. So after that morning I ate eggs and realized I could eat, I booked a flight and went to Las Vegas by myself. Yes, I really did.

My plan was to stay in Vegas for three nights, two days. I stayed at the Flamingo, which was right in the middle of the strip. I was going to walk right one day and left the other day. I was going to just chill, people watch, sight see, and EAT. I am an only child so I am used to doing things by myself, so going to Vegas along was no big deal.

I got into Vegas late on a Tuesday. I went and got some Boosts at Walgreens and just chilled in my room. I never realized how BIG everything in Vegas is. Everything is really big. When I walked in the hallways of my hotel to my room all I heard were hairdryers from the other rooms. People were just getting ready to go out at 12:45am? I knew at that moment I was getting old.

The next morning I went to the brunch buffet at the Flamingo at like 8am. I thought I was going to be eating by myself because it was so early, but to my surprise the buffet was packed. I got an omelette, salmon, pizza, mashed potatoes, and some other stuff. I was eating really slow, chewing everything, grimacing while swallowing, and chasing every bite with water. But I was eating, and I could taste! The food tasted SOOO good. Eating was so enlightening. When I was eating I felt like how I felt when I graduated from college, the first time I had sex, and when my children were born. I almost cried.

This old couple sitting next to me was watching me eat. After watching me for a while, the woman said to me… “Do you have a sore throat?” I went on to tell her about my cancer, and how this was pretty much the first time I had eaten. We went on to have a good and lengthy conversation. Since I was next to them we were practically eating together. She and her husband were from Florida. He was in a motorized wheelchair. She talked about his health challenges, her health challenges, and I talked about mine. She was nearly 80 years old. She told me that she was happy that I came to Vegas, even though I was by myself. She told me that she wishes she did more in her life at an earlier age, especially now that she and her husband are limited due to their health. I hung onto her words. You never know where and when you are going to get a dose of enlightening wisdom.

After I ate, I had to go back to my room and rest. This disease changed me, and it is most evident in my energy levels. I never realized how good of shape I was in. Now I cannot walk for 5 minutes without getting tired.

After resting in my room, I walked to the right of my hotel on the strip. I went to the Venetian, Treasure Island, and Caesars. Every so often I just had to sit. I was tired. I people watched, explored the shops restaurants, and scenery at the hotels, and just enjoyed some fresh air.

When I got back to my hotel I just laid down. I was tired, even though I didn’t do much and wasn’t gone for too long. I don’t think anyone who has ever been to Vegas spent as much time in their room as me. I didn’t care though. I wasn’t at home. Home was depressing. Home was my dungeon. Home symbolized pain and sickness, and I didn’t want to be there.  I took at least 7 showers each day I was in Vegas. I watched Sportscenter all day. I was just chilling.

That night I walked across the street to the Bacchanal Buffet in Casers Palace. It cost 57 dollars to get in, but I did not care. I was ready. I got there round 5pm. It was relatively empty. The first thing I realized was how huge it was in there. It was like a warehouse or something. You could get lost in the buffet. I ended up staying there for over 2 hours. I ate prime rib, lamb chops, bbq ribs, crab legs, pizza, lobster ravioli, rice, mashed potatoes, sushi, along with a bunch of other stuff. I wasn’t eating big portions. I was just sampling. It was a challenge getting everything down, but I did it. When I left, I noticed a huge roped off line. I wasn’t sure what it was for, and then I realized it was for the buffet. It was worth the money.

That night I just chilled and watched basketball on ESPN. The next morning I went to the same breakfast buffet, and at night I went to the Paris buffet in Ballys. It was good too, but not as good as the one oat Caesers. And that was my trip to Vegas!

That was my first and probably last time in Las Vegas. One thing I already knew about myself but really realized is that I am not a partier. I had no desire to go to a club and be social. Vegas was too much for me in that aspect. I was happy to be going home.

When I got home I started having problems. I tried to eat, but it wasn’t happening. My throat was in too much pain. I was getting really bad headaches. My neck was swollen. I didn’t know what to do. I slept on it, and decided to call my palliative care doctor in the morning. Even though it was a Saturday my doctor called me back, and told me to start taking methadone again for the pain. He also scheduled me for a Monday appointment.

That weekend sucked. I was in pain, couldn’t eat, and threw up the whole time. When I went to my appointment, I told my doctor how I ate when I was in Las Vegas. He just put his head down. He told me that I had to ease into things, and not just go all out. He prescribed me some other medicine and sent me on my way.

None of the medicine was working. That whole week I threw up, couldn’t sleep, and was in pain. I called Dr. Baxter every day, and each day he told me to try something new that didn’t work. That Monday he had me go get a CT scan. The results of the scan revealed that food was pushed into my lugs, causing me to have pneumonia and to develop dysphagia (look it up). I got more medication, more pain meds, and was sent home.

So for the last two weeks, I have been battling this pneumonia. I have a constant headache coupled with a constant sore throat. I don’t swallow. All nutrition is done through my tube. It is back to the drawing board…

During this time, a friend of mine died an untimely death. You really never know what someone is going through. You never know. Be nice to people. You can really change someones life. I am not going to lie, this process has definitely had me contemplate suicide. The emotions that you go through are inexpiable. Everyone is going to die anyway. Why live in so much pain and without hope? I don't knock suicide at all. I honestly condone it in certain situations. If someone is in real pain and has exhausted all of their options in an attempt to get better, I understand wanting to take your own life. Rest in Peace. I would love some rest and peace. What has kept me going is my responsibility as a parent to take care of someone else until they are an adult. 

I am beyond frustrated. I can’t even say that I am mad. You have to have energy to be mad, and I don’t have any of that. I don’t know what is next. I have jumped through every hoop that my doctors have told me to. I have taken every medication, gone to every appointment, EVERYTHING. I am tired. I just want to be normal so bad. I get emotional at random times because I just want to be normal. I don’t want anything extra. I just want to be myself. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. I’m not even sure where my path is taking me at this point. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pray for me.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. I will update this when something changes. Hopefully it will be good news.

-Kyle

It is 5:41pm. I am home alone sitting at the kitchen table listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I haven’t been utilizing music enough. Good music makes me feel good. It takes me back to the time, place, and things that were going on when the music came out. This album came out in 1998, which was a good year. Shouts out to my dear friend Dorothy.

Anyway…  I know I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Life has really sucked that’s why. Who wants to hear a horror story anyway? Every day I still get text messages and Facebook messages from people asking me to write something, so apparently a few people do. Ok... but be careful what you wish for.

A few days ago I started my day like any other. I took all of my medication. I fed myself Jevity(Yes still). I have also starting mixing baby food with water and putting it in my tube, so I did that. I am now working from home (Thanks Dom), so I got my laptop and little work station ready so I could start my day.

As I sat down, something did not feel right. Now I am on all kinds of medication and constantly mixing new foods, so there is never really a time where my body “feels right.” But this was different. This was pain. All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I had to take a shit.

So I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. The pain was excruciating. Nothing was coming out. I mean there was absolutely no movement at all. After sitting for a while, I realized that I was constipated.

I have been constipated before during this process. It was a few months ago. It was one of the worst days of my life. Since then I have been taking MiroLAX and Ducolax to soften my stool and prevent that horrific day from happening again. But I had gotten comfortable. I was tired of taking medication. I was trying to decrease my medication intake, and since I hadn’t been constipated in a while I decided to stop taking the MiroLAX and Ducolax. What a big mistake.

I am now in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, knowing that I am constipated. Even though I knew I was going to be unsuccessful, I tried to push and see if anything would move or come out. Nothing. Now I had my phone with me, so I started googling constipation remedies. One of the articles I read said to try walking around. By this time I was naked. I was home alone, so I started walking from the bathroom to the kitchen to the livingroom and back again. Nothing. The pain just kept getting worse and worse. Every so often I would sit back on the toilet, but there was absolutely no movement. Picture me in my kitchen with my feeding tube taped to my chest butt naked doing squats, lunges, jumping jacks, and all kinds of stretches trying to loosen myself up. Nothing was working. At this point I knew what I had to do.

***Warning… Graphic Content Ahead***

Once it got to this point, drastic times caused for drastic measures. I went into the kitchen and got a roll of paper towels. I then went into the bathroom and closed the door. Now picture me butt naked standing in my bathroom in the most horrible pain in the world. I turned on the shower just to have some background noise. I then turned the sink water on, got my hand wet, and wet my anus. I then put my leg on the tub, and stuck my pinky finger up my anus. Pain. I could feel the shit. It was as hard as a rock. Well maybe not exactly as hard as a rock, but at least as hard as some recently dried up mud.

So for the next few minutes I try to break up as much of the shit as possible. I am in all kinds of pain, but I know I have to do what I have to do. After I feel like I broke up enough, I sat back on the toilet and tried to go again. Nothing. I then got up and put my pointer finger in my anus, followed by my middle finger. I broke up as much shit as I could, and tried to go again. Nothing. At this point instead of breaking up the shit, I figured I would try to pull it out with my hands. So little by little, I start to pull out very tiny pieces of shit. By now I am bleeding, crying, and just a mess. Remember I still have them phlegm in my mouth, so I am simultaneously spitting while all of this is going on.

I spent about 30 minutes doing this, but I still couldn't go. I am still in excruciating pain. I needed an enema. I wanted to call Abby to have her get me one, but I knew she was probably with a student or in a meeting, and wouldn’t be able to come home. The campus she was working at was too far from home anyway. I needed the enema ASAP. At this point I got in the shower, and tightened my anus the entire time. I tried to stay as still as possible in hopes of my stomach settling. When I realized my stomach wasn’t going to get any better, I got out of the shower, got dressed, and went to the CVS down the street from my house.

I got the enema. The lady at CVS looked at me like I was crazy. She was trying to talk to me, but I motioned to her that I couldn’t talk. She then saw that I was getting an enema and an enema only, and that I was sweating. I also had on no socks and a zip up hoodie with no shirt underneath. I didn't give a DAMB. After she put everything together, she let me be on my way.

When I got back to the house I took off all of my clothes, went to the bathroom, and put in the enema. If you don't know the enema process... you have to lay on your stomach, stick a bottle in your anus, and squirt this solution into your body that is supposed to soften your stool and make you have to go. After I put in the enema, I laid face down right outside of the bathroom door. After a few minutes, I felt myself really having to go. I laid there until I couldn’t hold it anymore. I had to go really bad. So I jumped up and sat on the toilet.

All that was coming out was the liquid from the enema. My shit still had not broken up. The bad part of all of this was that the enema was forcing me to try to go. So now I am constipated, I have a huge piece of shit in my stomach, and my body is trying to force it out of me. NIGHTMARE.

At this point all I could do was continue to try to pull the shit out of my anus. I spent the next 30 minutes taking turns pulling shit out of my anus and trying to go. This was HELL. I would sit on the toilet and literally push as hard as I possibly could like I was pregnant. It was the worst feeling ever. After a while I started to be able to go, but there was still that big piece that was causing all of the pain that wouldn’t come out. I kept doing the same thing, kept getting closer and closer, but it still wouldn’t come out. 

While I was doing this, I felt like I had lost my mind. I was in another world. I had literally gone crazy. I felt like I was a prehistoric barbarian who pulled their tooth out without medicine. I felt like a character in the movie “SAW” that would have to do some barbaric task in order to save their life. 

In my mind I got to the point where I said this is going to come out. I was sweating like crazy, butt naked, screaming at the top of my lungs, snot and spit coming out of my nose and mouth, and pushing my body as hard as I possibly could. Eventually I broke through. Literally. I got out the piece that was blocking everything. Even though I was bleeding and in pain, it was such a relief. I sat on the toilet and made sure I got everything out.

The bathroom was such a mess. I took a shower before I cleaned up. After I cleaned up, I took another shower. While in the shower I just sat on the stool and cried. I was tired of all of these side effects. I was just tired. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Does anyone else have to go through the things I go through? I don’t know… I was just so frustrated.

After I got out of the shower, I just laid down. I had no energy. My anus was turned inside out and was ripped. From start to finish, the entire process took 5 hours. FIVE hours... 9am until 2pm. Crazy.

I cannot tell you how much this entire experience(not just the one i spoke of today) has made me value my health. I seriously give no DAMBS about money, material things, or anything else. I just want to be a healthy and normal individual. My health is priceless. Being normal is priceless. Your body is your temple. Take care of it! A lot of us have gotten away with being reckless for far too long. It will catch up to us. Be proactive and take care of yourself! 

I am done writing for now. I would tell the story of me throwing up on my doctor this morning (Yes this morning 11/9/15), but I guess I save that for another time. You all have a safe and healthy day. 

-Kyle

It is 10:53am. I am sitting at the kitchen table. I know I haven’t updated the blog in a while. To put things mildly, this has been a rough couple weeks for me.

While I was going through my cancer treatment, the doctors would always bring in prior cancer patients that they had worked with who all went through and survived the treatment that I was going through. They were there to give hope, provide insight, and answer any questions that I had. I remember speaking to this one gentleman in particular, and he told me that the hardest part of this process was when the treatment was over. He told me for him it was a nightmare. He told me that he was finished with his treatment, he was supposed to be getting better, but he just was not getting better. I thought to myself, “That was really the hardest part?” I am not sure why I doubted that man, because boy he was right.

After the conclusion of my treatment I just sat around and didn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. I could not eat, drink, or talk. As I mentioned earlier, the phlegm in my mouth was unbelievably unbearable. I was constantly drooling and constantly spitting up mucus. I was using 2-3 rolls of paper towels per day to wipe my drool and to spit into. Just think about how many squares are in each roll of paper towels. To go through 2-3 a day was ridiculous. I was literally wiping drool and spitting every 10 seconds for 24 hours a day. And when I say 24 hours, I mean 24 hours. I could not sleep. For one I have this feeding tube in my stomach, which prevents me from sleeping on my stomach. I couldn’t sleep on my back because I would choke on the phlegm that built up in my mouth. So the only thing I could do was try to sleep on my side. So picture me on my side every night literally drooling and spitting into a paper towels while simultaneously trying to sleep. It is horrible. I also found out the hard way that lying on your side for long periods of time really hurts your hips. I mean it really makes them sore. What I did to try to prevent this pain was roll up one of those soft blankets and wrap it around my hips to help ease the pain. It did not work.

Prior to the other day, I left the house like 3 times in the last 3 weeks… all for doctor’s appointments. I was really, really depressed. I am a naturally depressed person anyway since I am prescribed to the depressive realism school of thought (hi Melissa), but the totality of my situation just made things worse. I understood that this was going to be a process. I understood that it was going to take lots of time to get better. That doesn’t mean I had to be happy, or positive, or jovial while going through it. Going through it flat out sucked. There were days upon days where I just sat in the kitchen with my head on the table with my bucket on the floor so I can spit and drool in it. In the middle of the night I would just quit trying to sleep and go sit on the toilet for hours with a spit cup and a roll of paper towels. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt, like, days, etc. etc. Horrible.

Social media and support from others was getting annoying. Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I truly appreciate everyone who sent me a message or has a genuine concern for me. I really do. I love every one of you who reached out to me. With that being said, I cannot tell you how annoying it is to read and answer the exact same message over and over literally hundreds of times. I can’t tell you how many times I got the message…

“Hey Kyle, just checking in on you. How is the treatment going? It is over right? You getting any better? How are you feeling? I love you, get back to me soon.”

Like I said, I really, really appreciate that message and that concern. I know it is because you care. But when I am feeling like shit, I don’t want to be reminded that I feel like shit, and I don’t want to have to respond by stating that I am feeling like shit. I was tired of talking about cancer. I didn’t want to talk at all. So if you sent me that message and I did not respond… don’t take it personal. I just read it sooooo many times and I was just tired of it.

So after a week of treatment, I had gotten no better. Two weeks after treatment, same thing. Three weeks after treatment, still no significant improvement. If I coughed up enough phlegm, made myself spit, and wiped away some drool… there was a two second window where I could take a very small sip (not even half of a gulp) of water. After the water went down, it would burn my throat and my ears very bad. That was my level of improvement after three weeks. I saw Dr. Nakajima last week and he told me that I am going to turn a corner, and start to come around. When I asked him when, he responded by saying… “Soon.” Let me just say I hate the word soon. If you are coming to my house, tell me what time you are going to be there. Don’t say “soon.” If I am meeting someone somewhere, going to eat, or doing anything else, I need to specifically know when. The word “soon” might as well mean “anytime” or “I don’t know.” I took it for what it was though.

This past weekend I told myself that it was time to kick my depression and try to be more optimistic. Maecee came over and hung out with me. Abby took me for a drive in the country. Even before I was sick we always went for drives in the country. We would drive around for hours… looking at the scenery, old houses, and just enjoy being outside. And the whole time we would be in the car we wouldn’t say a word to each other. I guess it didn’t matter that I could not talk this time.

I noticed this weekend that the phlegm in my mouth started to thin, and it wasn’t as much as before. I could take sips of water for longer periods of time (Like for two seconds instead of one). I was sloooooooowly improving. Even though it hurt I tried to talk, and you can almost understand what I was saying. I was finally turning the corner.

Monday and Tuesday, the phlegm was less and less. It was like there was no improvement for three weeks straight… then all of a sudden for three days straight I saw significant improvements. Same thing goes for my speaking. I could actually be understood (even though I sound crazy), and could have a short conversation. Same goes with the drinking. After a small prep, I could take like three to four gulps of water.

So that is it. I feel like I am turning a corner. Finally! I have a whole bunch of baby food that I bought that I am going to try to start eating on Thursday. Believe me, even though I cannot taste it, I am TIRED of Jevity. I am tired of smelling it. While I appreciate it for keeping me alive, it is time to move on from it! I feel like this is it. I feel like I am close to making some real progress towards normalcy. Once I start eating and have the ability to maintain my weight by mouth, I can have this feeding tube taken out of my stomach. Once I get this tube out I can get some sleep and get back in the gym. If you really knew me before this, you know how important the gym is to me. I wasn’t like a bodybuilder or anything, but I really love going to the gym. It gets my mind right and keeps my body right. I went to the gym 5 days a week every week. It is just something that I loved to do. I cannot wait to get back to that! I cannot wait to build my body back up, and to compete in sports that I love again.

Anyway… that is all for now. If you made it up to this point, thank you. I will update you on my progress soon.

Love,

Kyle

It is 3:18 PM. I am sitting at the kitchen table. A lot of people have been asking me when I am going to update the blog, and why has it been so long, etc. etc. Quite honestly, I don’t really feel like updating the blog. I’m tired. I am tired of having cancer, talking about cancer, and everything else cancer related. Sometimes I don’t think people really understand what I am going through over here. I understand how my blog may be like a little reality show to some. They can tune in for a little, read a few words, see a few pictures, watch a couple videos, then log out and go about their regular day. Not for me though. This is my life. I have cancer and have to go through all of the struggles of cancer for 24 hours a day, every day.


With that being said, it was my idea to start the blog so I will keep it going. As of today I am completely finished with my cancer treatment. I have done all 35 radiation treatments as well as all 3 chemotherapy treatments. I can no longer talk. I can no longer eat or drink through my mouth. I cannot sleep, even though I am always so tired. It is because I have an abundance of phlegm in my mouth. I spit literally 24 hours a day. When I sleep, the phlegm builds up in my mouth to the point where the airway in my throat gets blocked, causing me to choke. So every night while I am “sleeping” for a few minutes, my airway eventually gets blocked with phlegm and I eventually wake up choking. It sucks.


After my last chemotherapy session I had to go the emergency room that following Friday night. I felt like death. Literally felt like nothing. I really didn’t give a fuck. Rest in peace sounded so good. Turns out my while blood cell count was low and I was dehydrated. After 5 hours of doing what they had to do, the doctors got my levels to where they needed to be and I was able to go home. On this past Sunday night I had to go back to the ER because I had a fever of 102. After more bloodwork, more tests, more this, more that, and another 6 hours, I was able to go home. I really hate cancer and this whole process.


I feel like I have now gone through the post chemotherapy wall. After I received my last radiation treatment, my doctor said that right now is as worst as I am going to feel. And quite honestly, I feel weak and like shit. My doctor said it is all recovery and should be all uphill from here on out. I hope so. My mouth, gums, and tongue, feel like I have been tattooed on the inside. It just hurts so damn bad. There is nothing I can do for it but wait. The only way I communicate with people is through this text to speech application that I have on my phone. It speaks whatever I type. I still throw up every day. Eating through my tube only is getting really, really old. I am tired of them damn Jevity cans. I have no other choice though. It is either get nutrition that way or get no nutrition at all. Just think back to a few weeks ago when I said I was upset that I did not have the ability to taste. I had no idea it could get worse than that… but not having the ability to eat at all proved me wrong.


So for now, I just have to be patient. My abilities should begin to come back and I should be back to relative normalcy… at some point. My doctor said it could be weeks, or it could be months. I just have to keep doing what I have to do. This just sucks. Just remember when your Hoops for Hope t-shirt is in the laundry and you have logged off of my blog, your boy is still over here really going through it.
…


Throughout this process I always wondered why I was chosen for this. If you know me as a person, you know I never took anything for granted and you know I appreciate every little thing that has ever been done for me. Was it because I had the ability to tell the story? Man… forget this story! This is a story that shouldn’t have to be told. This story really sucks. Was it because I’m resilient, strong, blah, blah, blah. How about we just skip all of that and let me continue to be healthy? Was it because of some greater purpose other than myself? Would I die of cancer, leading my daughter to cure it? To be honest, I would not want to be a martyr. If someone asked me if I was willing to die of cancer knowing that it would be my daughter who would cure cancer for all of humanity, I would say absolutely not. My daughter only has one father, and that is me. If she would cure cancer, she still wouldn’t have me. She needs me. Even if she would cure cancer, there would be some new disease that will eventually evolve and attempt to wipe out humanity. So I continued to ask myself, why me?


After my last radiation treatment, it finally came to me. As my silent partner and I walked out of the cancer center for what was my last treatment and hopefully the final time, I looked over at her and she completely burst into tears. Why is this so significant? This woman has NEVER showed any emotion throughout this entire process. And when I say no emotion, I mean NO EMOTION. She was so solid. She never made a sad face, negative remark, or had frustrated body language. Everything was positive. Everything was resolution focused. I guess that moment signified the end, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Everything she must have been holding in trying to be strong for me came pouring out the second that the treatment was over.


When I looked over and saw her crying, I completely lost it. I finally had a chance to be the man and console her after she held me down for all of this time, but I really messed up the moment. I have been such an emotional wreck during this entire process. I wanted to give her a hug, have her lay her head on my chest, and tell her everything was going to be ok. But instead I of course I started crying my eyes out… which led to snot coming out of my nose… which led to me coughing and eventually throwing up all over myself.  What a shame. So she immediately went from crying and showing emotion to taking care of me again.


That moment made everything clear to me. Sure this story can be about resiliency, toughness, fight, bringing a community together, among many other things. To me though… this is a love story. That woman showed me what true and unequivocal unconditional love is. While I am sure other people may have had the ability to do what she did for me and others… she is the one that did it. She saved my life. She was with me every step of the way. I never had someone sacrifice so much for me. That is love. I found my angel. I am so grateful for you Abby, and I plan on sharing the rest of my life with you. You never have to worry about anything when it comes to me. I will never look at another woman, talk to another woman, or take interest in another woman. You have earned a special and sacred place in my heart, and it will never be able to be accessed by anyone else. You are my best friend, my confidant, and my everything. I mean I cared about you before cancer, but this experience really put us and you in a different place. I am just so thankful you. You are my partner for life. Thank you.


Everyone else… thank you for tuning into this little reality show. I will update this again with my positive progression, I promise.




-Kyle

It is 8:34 am. Today was the first morning since I can remember that I didn’t wake up throwing up. It is probably because I am still on Cloud NINE from yesterday. I really don’t care why I didn’t wake up sick, I’m just glad I didn’t wake up sick. I just got home from taking Koi to work, so I figured I would take some time and write about my day yesterday.

The Hoops for Hope event was unbelievable. It was seriously one of the best days of my life. It was amazing to see how the community came together in support of my cause. There were people in attendance that I have met over the years that knew nothing about basketball, but came out to support me anyway.  And I am not talking about a handful of people either. A LOT of people who I met outside of basketball came out. It is crazy because a lot of times people will get invited to things and they will say they will show up… but they really had no intention of going and do not show up. I was kind of scared that may happen. It seems like pretty much everyone who told me that they were going to come, actually came. To know that it was for me, and to know that a lot of them have no interest in basketball makes me extremely grateful. I was also extremely grateful and humbled to have met so many people that I didn't know before yesterday, but who had a genuine interest in me and my cause. Again, words cannot conceptualize how everything made me feel. 

The basketball portion of it was absolutely unbelievable. My good friend Toomey Anderson set everything up. I must say, Toomey knows how to organize a first class event. He got the best high school basketball players from the Lehigh Valley and beyond to participate in a showcase. He didn’t just get some random players either. He really got a “who’s who” of high school basketball talent throughout the area to participate. Not only did he have the kids competing against each other in front of college coaches, he also had the kids in classrooms being spoken to by the coaches and former players. The coaches went over academic requirements, college life, and gave some good insight as to what these kids should expect as they become student athletes at the next level. Toomey also brought in a bunch of former successful college and professional players to provide some insight and perspective on what the kids were going to encounter from a players perspective. When Toomey first approached me about doing this fundraiser, I told him that I wanted the focus to be on the kids and that I wanted it to be a positive learning experience. Toomey could have not done a better job of making that happen.

Toomey did not stop there though. He had Bethlehem native, Liberty and Villanova graduate, and current member of the NBA’s Detroit Pistons Darrun Hilliard II attend the event. Darrun, known locally as “Money,” was such a positive contribution to the day. He spoke to the kids, giving them a wonderful speech on what it takes to be successful in whatever endeavors that they are trying to achieve. Money has great character, is extremely humble, and is a very hard worker. He is the perfect person to represent the Lehigh Valley in the NBA. This man could have been preparing for training camp, resting, or doing something else with his time. But again showing the type of person he is, Money instead donated his time in an effort to make the lives of children better and to bring attention to an important cause. That speaks volumes about him as a man.  He answered questions for the kids, donated a basketball for a raffle, and must have taken hundreds of pictures with pretty much everyone in attendance. If you know me you know that I am an observer… and observing how he carries himself and how he handled the day was quite remarkable. I am so proud and thankful it was him that made it to the NBA, and it was him that was so willing to represent me and my fight against cancer. I am excited for his NBA career to begin, because I know with his character and work ethic he is going to create his own path and ultimately find a way to be successful.

Again, the event was just so wonderful. I think the best part for me was just seeing all of the interactions among people within the community. Allentown has developed a reputation for being divided and not being as tight knit of a community as it once was or as tight as other communities may be. I must say in my years growing up, I have seen those behaviors play out first hand. Everyone kind of wants to get theirs, and doesn’t really have a concern for the next man. But seeing how everyone was interacting yesterday and how everyone has kind of rallied around my cause makes me think that we really can change that. I think we can bring Allentown back. I think we really can become a community again. Just look at my situation. Collectively the donations I have received have been tremendous and are going to go a long way in me regaining some resemblance of financial normalcy once this is over. I eventually will be able to send my daughter to college and live a normal life. There is no way I would have been in this situation without the help of others. We need to expand on this. We need to help EVERYONE, and not just me. Everyone’s cause needs to be addressed. Before I got sick, my silent partner and I were throwing around the idea of starting a community based non-profit organization. She said I knew a lot of people in the community, and that I could use those connections and resources to do a lot of good for people in need. While I told her yes I do know a lot of people, I didn’t know how much influence my voice and my name had. After seeing how people have responded and banded together in response to my cause, I feel like she was right and I feel like there is an area of opportunity there that I need to tap into. Once I beat this cancer, it is going to be my mission in life to pay it forward and help others from my community who are in need. I have been truly inspired by everyone, and I feel it is my duty and my responsibility to step into a leadership role and to help out as many people from this city as I can. If anyone wants to bounce any ideas off of me or be a part of making moves, feel free to let me know.

I again want to thank everyone who volunteered their time at the Hopes for Hope event yesterday, and everyone who came out to show their support. Once I beat this disease I am going to have a celebration, and everyone is going to be invited. That is one of the reasons I wanted the names of everyone in attendance yesterday. Every single card, donation, hug, and kind word matters to me. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I have been extremely emotional throughout this process, and I couldn’t help but break down last night while sitting on my toilet just thinking about the day and my situation in its entirety. Cancer really showed me how much I am loved, and is really bringing my community together. It is crazy. If that is what it takes, then so be it. I am turning this negative into a positive. 

Today is going to be my last day of normalcy for a while, being that I have Chemotherapy tomorrow morning. This is my last one. My voice is already pretty much gone and I can no longer eat through my mouth, so I am going to be at my absolute worst during this process this week. But this week is also the end. I have six more radiation treatments with my last one being next Monday. This week I am going to be as bad as I am going to get, but then I am going to get better. After a few weeks I am going to have another PET scan done, and hopefully the Cancer will be in remission. That is the hope. I hope it doesn’t metastasize or it hasn’t spread. I really want to live. I am confident that it hasn’t though and I am going to be alright. We will see though.

Anyway…  I figured I would end this post with some pictures and videos from yesterday. What a day.  

Toomey started things off with a speech... 

Old friends volunteering <3

One of many new friends I met

Classroom session

Bethlehem native, Liberty and Villanova graduate, and current NBA player Darrun "Money" Hilliard II speaking to the children

This little girl is the daughter of my late friend Tarrell Hardmon. She wanted to give the card she made to me personally as opposed to having it given to me with all of the others. She is so sweet. Her father would have been so proud. 

Toomey, Myself, Money, Jon

Family

Me and My baby just chilling

Cheese and Madison participating

Latrell looking tired

Toomey... the man who put everything together

Toomey talking to the kids

 People everywhere

Resting

Toomey's cousin Bart made this beautiful painting for me

Friends

What a great day. Thanks again to everyone who participated. I am going to relax for the remainder of my day. BIG day tomorrow. I will be in touch when I can. I love ya'll

-Kyle

www.kyle.kostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

It is 4:13am. This is the first morning I have woken up since I can remember that I have not thrown up, so hopefully that means that I am going to have a good day.

I have to admit… I am tired of being sick. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Prior to the beginning of my treatment the doctors told me that the process is going to be both physically and mentally challenging, and boy they were right. My mental resolve is being tested right now. I must say that I really feed off of and appreciate all of love and support that I have been getting in the community and on social media. It really has been great, and it really has helped me a lot through this process. I have to be honest though… I am tired. There are times that everything just gets to me, and I just break down. The other day I was driving home from my radiation treatment and I just couldn’t stop crying in my car. I’m tired. I just want to be normal. I am tired of taking all of this medicine. I am tired of going to doctor’s appointments, tired of telling people I am resilient and that I am going to beat cancer, tired of people asking me if I am alright or if I need anything. I just want to be normal so bad. I want my weight back. I want to go to the gym. Not being able to taste food is seriously one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. It is like torture. After knowing what it feels like not being able to taste, I would seriously consider giving up my sense of smell, touch, and even sound before I would give up my sense of taste. The only other sense I would want to keep before taste is my sense of sight. After this experience, I cannot tell you how much I value my sense of taste. I just want to eat and taste food so bad! I am tired of being patient. I want to eat NOW!!! I have no choice though but to wait.

I have two weeks of treatment left, which consists of eleven radiation treatments and one more chemotherapy treatment. Even when my treatment is over I still have to go through a recovery period, so it’s not like I am going to be back to normal once the treatment is over. I hope the treatment works. I hope it gets rid of my cancer. I hope my cancer doesn’t metastasize, causing me to have to go through even more treatment. Even though I will do it because I have no choice, I don’t want to have to go through this again. It sucks and I am tired of it. I know this post may come off as negative, but this is how I feel right now. When I up awake alone, my cell phone and Facebook are quiet and there is nobody around… I still have this stupid cancer and still have to deal with it. It just sucks.

And… I just threw up.

This shit sucks ya’ll.

…

For the next part of the post, I have some new videos:

This is me getting my radiation treatment. It is actually pretty fascinating to watch even for me... because while going through it I cannot really tell what is going on. I didn't know the machine moved like it does. Every time you hear the machine buzzing or the lights flashing, that is when I am getting "zapped" and am getting the radiation. I do this every morning, and will have done it 35 total times once my treatment is concluded. After I finish I have to just sit outside and regain my composure for a while, because having radiation zapped into your body really does take a lot out of you. 

This is me getting acupuncture. Acupuncture is crazy, but it really helps. 

This is a video of me feeding myself. Appreciate the ability to taste food. Savior every bite... for me!!! Look at how skinny I am... smh. 

This is a video of me talking to my old high school football team before their game. I was given the opportunity to talk to them by the head football coach, who was my coach and a lifelong role model and mentor of mine growing up. While they lost the game, they played really hard and I was very proud of them. 

So that is it for now. I am trying to stay active, optimistic, and positive. I promise you I am. It is a challenge, but I am going to keep fighting. When I beat cancer I am going to continue to be a positive contribution to the world, I promise. Thank you again for all of your continued love and support. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

It is 5:37am. I was just woken up by my stomach. I threw up a few times in the kitchen sink. I feel better now though. Since I am now awake, I figured would take this time to update everyone a little on my progress.

On Wednesday September 9, the day after getting my second chemotherapy treatment, I made a post on Facebook stating that I could already tell that I was going to handle this round of chemotherapy better than my first round of chemotherapy. While that may be true, this round definitely has hit me hard.

I had an appointment with Dr. Cardiges on Thursday. He stated that I even though I was relatively alright now, that the medicine would take a while to fully travel through my system and I would have a delayed negative affect that would take place this weekend. While I took what he said into consideration, I was kind of feeling myself a little too much. I was very optimistic. Even though I had no appetite, I was feeding myself Jevity and drinking lots of water. I was being very proactive. I was resting. My mind was positive. My spirits were high. This time was definitely going to be different than last time. Boy was I wrong.

After getting my haircut on Friday morning, I started to get really, really tired. I fell asleep in the barbershop. After getting home from the barbershop, I decided to take a nap. Before I went to sleep I scheduled for my silent partner to pick Maecee up from school. I figured I would take a short nap, be re-energized, and be able to hang out with my daughter for the remainder of the night.

I ended up falling asleep at around 2pm. I woke up at around 8pm. So much for only taking a short nap. When I woke up Maecee and my silent partner were in the kitchen doing arts and crafts. I went to the bathroom and then joined them at the kitchen table. I was so weak and so sick. Pretty much the second I sat down, I began to throw up all over the place. I hate being sick around my daughter. To her I am the man, her superhero, and the person who can do no wrong and fix every problem. I couldn’t help it though. The delayed effect of my Cisplatin chemotherapy treatment was here, and it was not stopping for anyone.

I threw up every ounce of liquid I had in my body. I knew I had to go to the emergency room to be hydrated. I had nothing left. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. Here is a picture of me in the emergency room. 

Again it is hard for me to describe what this feeling feels like. Maybe the picture will help conceptualize it. It’s beyond being tired. You literally feel lifeless. You cannot move. You have NO ENERGY. You have NOTHING. I slept in the car until I was able to be seen by the doctor.  Nevin came to the doctor because he saw me post it on Facebook. I love you Nevin. He kept my silent partner company until they called me to one of the emergency rooms. I ended up getting an IV and getting the fluids that I needed to get me back to a more stable state. I was able to leave the hospital at around 2am.

On Saturday I just pretty much stayed in the house. I took turns feeding myself Jevity, sleeping, and throwing up. I was able to watch a little football and look at my phone in between too. Saturday night I ate a little soup which was promising. Slow progress.

On Sunday morning I woke up with a little energy. I decided that I wanted to go to my flag football teams scrimmage. I just wanted to get out of the house and see the guys. It felt really good getting outside. I spoke to my teammates as well as a lot of other friends that I have who play on other teams. Those normal interactions and just being out and being normal mean EVERYTHING to me right now. It seems like the length of my game coincided with my energy level, because as soon as we got into the car I was ready to go home. I was tired, and all out of energy.

Before going home, my silent partner asked me if I wanted to try to get something to eat from the diner. I accepted. We went to my favorite diner which is Sunrise on South 4^th St. I was able to eat some soup, a very little bit of salad, a small amount of mashed potatoes, and a very small amount of salmon. I didn’t immediately throw any of it up either. Slow progress.

The rest of my Sunday I spent in bed. I got home from the diner at around 1. I was basically taking turns sleeping, feeding myself Jevity’s, and watching football. At round 8 I ate some macaroni and cheese and fish through my mouth, which was a success. Cisplatin chemotherapy really takes your appetite. Like even though I cannot taste, somehow the treatment just makes the body not want to take food in through the mouth. I cannot explain it. So any food that I was able to get down was a positive. Slow progress.

I guess the point of this post is that I have to respect Cancer and respect the process. Even though I want to be optimistic and get better fast, I need to realize I am not going to be able to do this at my pace. This is going to continue to be a challenge. I need to remain mentally strong and very patient. It is sooooo hard, but I am going to get through it. I just need to realize that at times my progress may be slow. As long as I am going in the right direction, that is alright. 

...

While I am up, I was looking through some pictures and videos where I was normal and Cancer free. I figured I would share some. I can't wait to get back to this... 

190 pounds!!! I was a man! This is when I gave my mom a surprise visit to AZ on Mother's Day. It is crazy how fast my body deteriorated to what it is. I will be back though!

Video of me Pre-Cancer dunking at Skyzone

Me dancing with the kids... where do you think they got it from?

Maecee working on her game...

Big sleepovers!!!!

All of this will happen soon enough. I just need to continue to tell myself progress will be slow... but it will happen. I need to get ready for radiation. Three more weeks of treatment left. I will make it through. I love ya'll. I hope you enjoy your day. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

Since I have been diagnosed with cancer a lot of things have happened. A lot things that happened have been expected, and a few things that happened have been unexpected. And then there is today...  a day where something happened that I never thought would happen in my life.

Last Friday I received a call from my father. He said he wanted to see me, and that he was planning on coming up to Allentown to visit. I briefly told him about my improved current condition, my treatment schedule, and how after next Tuesday after my next chemotherapy session I am probably going to be pretty unavailable until after the conclusion of my treatment. With all of the information taken into account, he said it was his goal to try to get up here before Tuesday. I responded by saying... "Whatever."

If you are reading this and you do not really know me, I grew up without ever meeting or even knowing who my father was. It wasn't until I was 27 years old until I knew he was alive and knew of his existence. At that time when I learned of his whereabouts, he and I agreed to meet. My best friend Shannon and I flew down to San Antonio, TX to meet him. While my father and I did meet and do a few things together that weekend, I spent most of my time in San Antonio with two of my sisters.

Seven years later, I can count on one hand how many conversations I have had with my father since the weekend I met him. We never developed any type of relationship, and that was ok with me. I got to meet him and know who he is, which is all I ever wanted to do. So when he called me last Friday and told me he was coming up here, I wasn't really expecting him to. I wasn't expecting anything at all.

On Sunday afternoon my father called me again. He told me he was in West Point, GA visiting family, and that he wanted to leave there at midnight in hopes of arriving in Allentown to see me Monday afternoon. He said he was bringing with him his 32 year old son Marcus, his 11 year old son Chris, and his 9 year old son Christian. Was he serious? I wasn't sure. I told him if he is really serious that he can call me when he gets here, and I will go somewhere in the community to meet him.I told him that I had other plans as well, so if he does come he should have some other things in mind to do because I cannot spend an extended amount of time with him.

On Monday morning I logged onto Facebook. My father had just put up three new status messages. One of the messages said... "Leaving Sam house on our way up the eastern seaboard." The next status was a check in message, which stated that he was traveling northbound on Interstate 85 in South Carolina. The third message was also a check in message, this time stating that he was in Fancy Gap VA. As it turns out, my father was really on his way to see me. 

I was in shock. I have only met this man one time in my life. We have only spoken a handful of other times. We have no relationship. I told him that if he indeed did come, I would only be available to see and be with him for a very short period of time. Yet despite all of those things, my father decided to take the 14 hour drive to come see me.

...

One of my favorite books of all time is the book "David and Goliath" by Malcolm Gladwell. The book is about turning disadvantages into advantages, and using what you are forced to learn as a result of your perceived disadvantage to make you stronger in all of the other aspects of your life. Gladwell used the story of David and Goliath as an example of doing just that. While David was too small and too weak to defeat Goliath in a conventional fight of those times, David was forced to become creative and to attack Goliath in an unconventional manner. As we all know, as the story is told David was successful in the approach he was forced to create... eventually defeating Goliath by using a slingshot instead of engaging in conventional hand to hand combat.

This is why I do not hate my father. While it was extremely difficult growing up without a dad, there is no doubt in my mind that not having him in my life forced me to become resilient and forced me to adjust to challenges that led to me becoming the strong man that I am today. I know how difficult it is to grow up without a father. It sucks. I would cry so much as a child because I didn't know who my father was. I would lie to other children when they would ask about him. I would tell them he was in jail or died in Desert Storm. I was black with a white mother. I would have identity crises because I didn't know the black side of my family. I never felt complete as a child, and my family never felt complete when I had a wife and children of my own. Having those feelings forced me to become a great parent. I would never want a child I was responsible for to feel like I felt or to be put in those situations. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the best father in the world due to the fact that I know how horrible it feels to grow up and live life without a father of my own.

I was extremely poor growing up. My mother and I had nothing. We used to wash our clothes in the sink with dish liquid and hang them up on the curtain rods in our bedrooms because we could't afford to go to the laundromat. We didn't have cable growing up until I was about 17 years old. Our toilet used to leak so bad that we had to go to the basement to turn the water on and back off every time we needed to use the bathroom. Our bathtub was always clogged, and we would have to dump the water out with buckets into the toilet after every shower we took.  My mother used to go grocery shopping for the week on a 20 dollar budget. We used to eat liver and lima beans. On Wednesdays we would go to the church on 8th and Walnut to eat. We used to go the food bank at the church on 6th st. between Turner and Chew every Saturday morning to get food... food that we had to carry home in boxes. That was a long walk home, and everyone could see the food so everyone knew where we were coming from. I would see football players from other high schools handing out food, and they would recognize me. All of those things were extremely embarrassing, but extremely necessary. If things were different there is no doubt in my mind I wouldn't be as humble or I wouldn't have such an appreciation for things I do have in life. Those things were disadvantages that eventually led to becoming advantages.

I feel like the same thing is happening with my cancer. When I found out about my diagnosis, I felt like having cancer was the single worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought that having cancer was going to ruin my life, make my family sad, and eventually kill me. Contrary to what I believed though in some weird and strange way having cancer has actually done the exact opposite for me. It has made my life better, pulled my family together, and made me feel alive. It has raised the spirits of an entire community. It has spawned inspiration, given hope, and made a lot of people want to reconnect and have good times. And today Cancer... more specifically my cancer... was going to be the reason something was going to occur that I never thought would happen in my entire life. Cancer was going to put me, my mother, and my father together in the same place for the first time in my entire life.

My mother is one hell of a woman. She sacrificed her life for me. She has always done things the right way. She was the best example of class, humility, and respect a child could ever ask for. She is the hardest working person that I have ever encountered in my life. She is the poster child for integrity. She never cut a corner and never looked for the easy way out in any situation. She raised me alone. She never received a dime of child support or food stamps. She never could afford a car, so she took the bus and walked to work every single day. And she never missed work. She did everything. Again, the disadvantage of me not having a father and having her be forced to do everything she had to do for me gave me the advantage of understanding of  how absolutely wonderful of a woman she was. My mother became the best mother in the world in part due to my father not being there for me.

When I told her my father was on his way into town today, I told her she did not have to meet him if she didn't want to. I understood that he was the source of an extreme amount of pain for her, and I would understand if she didn't want to have to face that especially considering everything that was going on with me. My mother and father met while she was in the Army. He got her pregnant and he abandoned her, As a child I remember going through my mothers drawers and finding letters that were her trying to contact him... all of which came back return to sender. She had no help. I know she dealt with a lot of pain and guilt due to the fact that I grew up without a dad. She felt like in a lot of ways it was her fault.

My moms response wasn't quite what I expected, even though I should have known because she is my mother. She said she definitely wanted to see him. She wanted to thank him. She said he gave her a gift in me. He is responsible for Koi and Maecee, her two wonderful grandchildren that she loves so much. Despite all of the heartache and pain that my father put my mother through, she was willing to forgive him just like that. She was willing to meet with him, sit down with him, and thank him for giving her the family that she has today.

At around 1:00 pm on Monday afternoon, my father called me. He had finally made it to Allentown. He told me that he had gotten a hotel room at the Comfort Inn near Dorney Park. We were going to meet him and his three sons at the hotel, and they were going to follow us to go get something to eat. So me, my mother, Koi, Maecee, and my silent partner got into the car and made the trip over to the hotel.

My family was nervous. My father and his family was in room 101. Koi and I went inside to get them while my mother, daughter, and silent partner stayed outside in the parking lot. When Koi and I got to the room my father was standing outside of the door. I gave him a hug. I just had to. I don't know how to explain it... but even though I didn't have a relationship with that man and I only met him once in my life... he is my only father, and just I felt like hugging him. My father then brought us into the room and introduced Koi and I to my brothers. It was all love.

We all then headed outside. As we walked toward my mom, daughter, and silent partner, I could tell my mother was nervous because she had her back towards everyone. I really didn't know what was going to happen or what to expect. My father eventually approached my mom and said hello. She smiled, shook his hand, and the ice was broken. She was fine. Everyone greeted each other, and the tension seemed to die down to the point everyone was comfortable. We all agreed to go to the TGI Fridays which was right down the street from the hotel.

By the time we parked at the restaurant and walked to the door, it felt like we had all known each other. My mother was talking to my father. My brother was talking to my son. My silent partner, myself, and Maecee were talking with my little brothers. It was like we had been family for much longer than those 10 minutes.

At the table the conversations continued. Here are some pictures...

This is all of us. My silent partner took the picture so she could avoid the camera of course

Me, my brother Christian(sitting), and my brother Chris(standing)

Maecee, Koi, and my father

My brothers Christian and Christopher with their niece Maecee and nephew Koi(how crazy is that)

My brother Marcus, my mom, me

My mother and father having a civil conversation... wow. 

The conversation inside of the restaurant went really well. I have a total of 9 brothers and sisters, 10 aunts and uncles, and a HUGE extended family that extends literally across the country. I learned so much about myself and about where I came from. We all ate good(even though I couldn't taste), drank good(I drank water... my father is the only one who had a beer), laughed, and enjoyed each others company. 

We then took pictures outside in the parking lot... 

 And now the picture and moment that I NEVER thought would happen in my lifetime...

Life is really crazy. It is amazing that CANCER is what made this happen. I am going to continue to keep turning that negative into a positive, until I am cancer free. 

After this we ended up going to Cedar Beach where I watched Koi, my brother Marcus, and my father play a basketball game called 21. The video is below. It is soooo funny to me. Koi won by the way :-)

Well, that was my day. What a day. It is now 4:08am. I have four more weeks of treatment remaining. I have my chemotherapy appointment this morning. This will probably be my last blog post for a while. I am admittedly nervous, but I am prepared. I am just ready to get it over with. As soon as I come to my senses I will reach out to everyone. Until then, be good to the world. Thanks for your continued interest in me and my situation. LOVE. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

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