It is 3:18 PM. I am sitting at the kitchen table. A lot of people have been asking me when I am going to update the blog, and why has it been so long, etc. etc. Quite honestly, I don’t really feel like updating the blog. I’m tired. I am tired of having cancer, talking about cancer, and everything else cancer related. Sometimes I don’t think people really understand what I am going through over here. I understand how my blog may be like a little reality show to some. They can tune in for a little, read a few words, see a few pictures, watch a couple videos, then log out and go about their regular day. Not for me though. This is my life. I have cancer and have to go through all of the struggles of cancer for 24 hours a day, every day.
With that being said, it was my idea to start the blog so I will keep it going. As of today I am completely finished with my cancer treatment. I have done all 35 radiation treatments as well as all 3 chemotherapy treatments. I can no longer talk. I can no longer eat or drink through my mouth. I cannot sleep, even though I am always so tired. It is because I have an abundance of phlegm in my mouth. I spit literally 24 hours a day. When I sleep, the phlegm builds up in my mouth to the point where the airway in my throat gets blocked, causing me to choke. So every night while I am “sleeping” for a few minutes, my airway eventually gets blocked with phlegm and I eventually wake up choking. It sucks.
After my last chemotherapy session I had to go the emergency room that following Friday night. I felt like death. Literally felt like nothing. I really didn’t give a fuck. Rest in peace sounded so good. Turns out my while blood cell count was low and I was dehydrated. After 5 hours of doing what they had to do, the doctors got my levels to where they needed to be and I was able to go home. On this past Sunday night I had to go back to the ER because I had a fever of 102. After more bloodwork, more tests, more this, more that, and another 6 hours, I was able to go home. I really hate cancer and this whole process.
I feel like I have now gone through the post chemotherapy wall. After I received my last radiation treatment, my doctor said that right now is as worst as I am going to feel. And quite honestly, I feel weak and like shit. My doctor said it is all recovery and should be all uphill from here on out. I hope so. My mouth, gums, and tongue, feel like I have been tattooed on the inside. It just hurts so damn bad. There is nothing I can do for it but wait. The only way I communicate with people is through this text to speech application that I have on my phone. It speaks whatever I type. I still throw up every day. Eating through my tube only is getting really, really old. I am tired of them damn Jevity cans. I have no other choice though. It is either get nutrition that way or get no nutrition at all. Just think back to a few weeks ago when I said I was upset that I did not have the ability to taste. I had no idea it could get worse than that… but not having the ability to eat at all proved me wrong.
So for now, I just have to be patient. My abilities should begin to come back and I should be back to relative normalcy… at some point. My doctor said it could be weeks, or it could be months. I just have to keep doing what I have to do. This just sucks. Just remember when your Hoops for Hope t-shirt is in the laundry and you have logged off of my blog, your boy is still over here really going through it.
…
Throughout this process I always wondered why I was chosen for this. If you know me as a person, you know I never took anything for granted and you know I appreciate every little thing that has ever been done for me. Was it because I had the ability to tell the story? Man… forget this story! This is a story that shouldn’t have to be told. This story really sucks. Was it because I’m resilient, strong, blah, blah, blah. How about we just skip all of that and let me continue to be healthy? Was it because of some greater purpose other than myself? Would I die of cancer, leading my daughter to cure it? To be honest, I would not want to be a martyr. If someone asked me if I was willing to die of cancer knowing that it would be my daughter who would cure cancer for all of humanity, I would say absolutely not. My daughter only has one father, and that is me. If she would cure cancer, she still wouldn’t have me. She needs me. Even if she would cure cancer, there would be some new disease that will eventually evolve and attempt to wipe out humanity. So I continued to ask myself, why me?
After my last radiation treatment, it finally came to me. As my silent partner and I walked out of the cancer center for what was my last treatment and hopefully the final time, I looked over at her and she completely burst into tears. Why is this so significant? This woman has NEVER showed any emotion throughout this entire process. And when I say no emotion, I mean NO EMOTION. She was so solid. She never made a sad face, negative remark, or had frustrated body language. Everything was positive. Everything was resolution focused. I guess that moment signified the end, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Everything she must have been holding in trying to be strong for me came pouring out the second that the treatment was over.
When I looked over and saw her crying, I completely lost it. I finally had a chance to be the man and console her after she held me down for all of this time, but I really messed up the moment. I have been such an emotional wreck during this entire process. I wanted to give her a hug, have her lay her head on my chest, and tell her everything was going to be ok. But instead I of course I started crying my eyes out… which led to snot coming out of my nose… which led to me coughing and eventually throwing up all over myself. What a shame. So she immediately went from crying and showing emotion to taking care of me again.
That moment made everything clear to me. Sure this story can be about resiliency, toughness, fight, bringing a community together, among many other things. To me though… this is a love story. That woman showed me what true and unequivocal unconditional love is. While I am sure other people may have had the ability to do what she did for me and others… she is the one that did it. She saved my life. She was with me every step of the way. I never had someone sacrifice so much for me. That is love. I found my angel. I am so grateful for you Abby, and I plan on sharing the rest of my life with you. You never have to worry about anything when it comes to me. I will never look at another woman, talk to another woman, or take interest in another woman. You have earned a special and sacred place in my heart, and it will never be able to be accessed by anyone else. You are my best friend, my confidant, and my everything. I mean I cared about you before cancer, but this experience really put us and you in a different place. I am just so thankful you. You are my partner for life. Thank you.
Everyone else… thank you for tuning into this little reality show. I will update this again with my positive progression, I promise.
-Kyle
With that being said, it was my idea to start the blog so I will keep it going. As of today I am completely finished with my cancer treatment. I have done all 35 radiation treatments as well as all 3 chemotherapy treatments. I can no longer talk. I can no longer eat or drink through my mouth. I cannot sleep, even though I am always so tired. It is because I have an abundance of phlegm in my mouth. I spit literally 24 hours a day. When I sleep, the phlegm builds up in my mouth to the point where the airway in my throat gets blocked, causing me to choke. So every night while I am “sleeping” for a few minutes, my airway eventually gets blocked with phlegm and I eventually wake up choking. It sucks.
After my last chemotherapy session I had to go the emergency room that following Friday night. I felt like death. Literally felt like nothing. I really didn’t give a fuck. Rest in peace sounded so good. Turns out my while blood cell count was low and I was dehydrated. After 5 hours of doing what they had to do, the doctors got my levels to where they needed to be and I was able to go home. On this past Sunday night I had to go back to the ER because I had a fever of 102. After more bloodwork, more tests, more this, more that, and another 6 hours, I was able to go home. I really hate cancer and this whole process.
I feel like I have now gone through the post chemotherapy wall. After I received my last radiation treatment, my doctor said that right now is as worst as I am going to feel. And quite honestly, I feel weak and like shit. My doctor said it is all recovery and should be all uphill from here on out. I hope so. My mouth, gums, and tongue, feel like I have been tattooed on the inside. It just hurts so damn bad. There is nothing I can do for it but wait. The only way I communicate with people is through this text to speech application that I have on my phone. It speaks whatever I type. I still throw up every day. Eating through my tube only is getting really, really old. I am tired of them damn Jevity cans. I have no other choice though. It is either get nutrition that way or get no nutrition at all. Just think back to a few weeks ago when I said I was upset that I did not have the ability to taste. I had no idea it could get worse than that… but not having the ability to eat at all proved me wrong.
So for now, I just have to be patient. My abilities should begin to come back and I should be back to relative normalcy… at some point. My doctor said it could be weeks, or it could be months. I just have to keep doing what I have to do. This just sucks. Just remember when your Hoops for Hope t-shirt is in the laundry and you have logged off of my blog, your boy is still over here really going through it.
…
Throughout this process I always wondered why I was chosen for this. If you know me as a person, you know I never took anything for granted and you know I appreciate every little thing that has ever been done for me. Was it because I had the ability to tell the story? Man… forget this story! This is a story that shouldn’t have to be told. This story really sucks. Was it because I’m resilient, strong, blah, blah, blah. How about we just skip all of that and let me continue to be healthy? Was it because of some greater purpose other than myself? Would I die of cancer, leading my daughter to cure it? To be honest, I would not want to be a martyr. If someone asked me if I was willing to die of cancer knowing that it would be my daughter who would cure cancer for all of humanity, I would say absolutely not. My daughter only has one father, and that is me. If she would cure cancer, she still wouldn’t have me. She needs me. Even if she would cure cancer, there would be some new disease that will eventually evolve and attempt to wipe out humanity. So I continued to ask myself, why me?
After my last radiation treatment, it finally came to me. As my silent partner and I walked out of the cancer center for what was my last treatment and hopefully the final time, I looked over at her and she completely burst into tears. Why is this so significant? This woman has NEVER showed any emotion throughout this entire process. And when I say no emotion, I mean NO EMOTION. She was so solid. She never made a sad face, negative remark, or had frustrated body language. Everything was positive. Everything was resolution focused. I guess that moment signified the end, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Everything she must have been holding in trying to be strong for me came pouring out the second that the treatment was over.
When I looked over and saw her crying, I completely lost it. I finally had a chance to be the man and console her after she held me down for all of this time, but I really messed up the moment. I have been such an emotional wreck during this entire process. I wanted to give her a hug, have her lay her head on my chest, and tell her everything was going to be ok. But instead I of course I started crying my eyes out… which led to snot coming out of my nose… which led to me coughing and eventually throwing up all over myself. What a shame. So she immediately went from crying and showing emotion to taking care of me again.
That moment made everything clear to me. Sure this story can be about resiliency, toughness, fight, bringing a community together, among many other things. To me though… this is a love story. That woman showed me what true and unequivocal unconditional love is. While I am sure other people may have had the ability to do what she did for me and others… she is the one that did it. She saved my life. She was with me every step of the way. I never had someone sacrifice so much for me. That is love. I found my angel. I am so grateful for you Abby, and I plan on sharing the rest of my life with you. You never have to worry about anything when it comes to me. I will never look at another woman, talk to another woman, or take interest in another woman. You have earned a special and sacred place in my heart, and it will never be able to be accessed by anyone else. You are my best friend, my confidant, and my everything. I mean I cared about you before cancer, but this experience really put us and you in a different place. I am just so thankful you. You are my partner for life. Thank you.
Everyone else… thank you for tuning into this little reality show. I will update this again with my positive progression, I promise.
-Kyle
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