12:03 am... kitchen table. I can't sleep so I figured I would write a poem. 

The sun still rises,

and the sky remains blue,

but the world just isn’t the same,

if I exist without you;

All of our deep conversations,

and great times we shared,

makes me really wonder,

why you are no longer here;

Since you’ve been gone,

physically I am not the same,

my mind isn’t as sharp,

and I don’t feel like my name;

I have spent many nights,

with tears in my eyes,

pain in my heart,

and with death on my mind;

Despite leaving me so fast,

which was much to my dismay,

you actually did me a favor,

with what you took away;

Cancer wanted to kill me,

a fact of which you knew,

so when you decided to leave me,

You took cancer with you too;

I have been through the darkness,

walked through the rain,

got lost during the process,

and almost succumbed to the pain;

While cancer took a lot from me,

I am still myself at my core,

and while the old me is gone,

I WILL become better than before.

...

Yes I like to write poetry too. It really helps with my depression. Even though things aren't great right now, they aren't horrible and as bad as they have been. While I still deal with daily bouts of depression and continuous pain from my treatment, I am trying to stay mentally sharp and positive. I want to try to go to the gym tomorrow, but I literally have insomnia and do not sleep. I have tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to get on some type of sleep schedule, but it just is not happening.

Weighing 150 pounds really sucks though. That is kind of what I was getting at in my poem. There were so many things that were tied to my identity that cancer took away from me. I lost 40 pounds, I was no longer the athlete, and mentally I could no longer function how I was accustomed to because I was so overly medicated. I did not feel like myself, and I felt like a part of me was gone forever.

I went to a birthday party the other night and had a really good time. I was dancing with my daughter, chilling with my son, and just hanging out with people I consider my family.It was honestly one of the first times that I did not have to pretend that I was happy. Every time I look happy, it is because I am faking it.  I have to stay strong and positive for my family.  I am trying to be myself again. It is hard though. Doing the most normal stuff gets me tired. I had to go to the car a few times to tube feed myself during the party. Here are some pictures of the party...

 Me and the birthday girl

Family

Here is a video of me preparing for the party. I have to keep living... lol

I went to the South Mall in Allentown the other day, and I had to sit down three times while walking because I was so tired. I am still doing 100 percent of eating and drinking through my feeding tube. I try to fill it with nutrients that will give me energy, but there is no real substitute for real food. But I am getting there. My pneumonia is gone but now I have thrush, which is a side effect of taking antibiotics. It is always something. I am not going to dwell on it though. My throat seems to be getting a little better, even though swallowing still causes pain. If you ever see me with a paper towel in my mouth, it is because I don't want to swallow and the paper towel is catching my drool.

Anyway... I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. Even though I am not a Christian I do participate in gift giving. With my cancer preventing me from working for such a long time, the presents will not be as abundant as they have been as in years past. My family is all understanding though. And if anyone says they weren't abundant before, I have video evidence to prove it. This was just Maecee's Christmas a few years ago...

Well that is all I have for now. It is 1:21am. I am going to try and get some sleep, but we will see what happens. I love everyone. Seriously. Have a good day. 

-Kyle