It is Monday, March 13, 2017.

Let’s re-evaluate my current situation:

I told my girlfriend and the person I love more than anything in is this world the truth about every single lie that I have ever told her.

I am now single.

I am homeless.

I admitted to using medical marijuana in a desperate attempt to save my own life, which has probably cost me my job.

I spent all of my money giving my children the experience of a lifetime. I am broke.

I am somewhere lost in California

---

To the normal every day individual, a person might look at the current state of my life and think I am a mess. I beg to differ.

I am in a rare space.

I am in a space that many humans rarely ever go to.

I am in a space of TRUTH.

I am in a space of FREEDOM.

---

I have lost everything… or well what I thought was everything.

What I have gained has paled in comparison.

Do you know what peace of mind feels like?

Nope.

How do I know this?

Because You lie.

How do I know you lie?

Because I know YOU.

I am not going to air anyone else out, other than myself. I will say this though. If you hate me because of my actions and revelations, I can understand why:

Because I am just like you.

Go look at yourself in the mirror right now. I dare you. Look yourself in the eyes. I do not care WHO you are. Are you a 30 year Spanish woman? Are you a 65-year-old white man? Are you a 20-year-old black man? Are you my 11-year-old daughter? Yes, she gets to hear all the “bad” about her father too.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to ask yourself one single question:

Do you tell the truth?

That is a rhetorical question though, because I already know the answer.

Of course you don’t.

You are a liar.

Now ask yourself these questions

Why do you hate ME so much for what I revealed to the world?

Why do you hate me so much for telling the truth?

Those were rhetorical questions too.

I am going to give you the answer.

The truth that I told you, may remind you of a truth that you have attempted to kept suppressed. My truth reminds you of everything that you hate about yourself.

In psychology it is a term called projection… right Ab?

Ok… look yourself in the eye again.

What do you have buried inside of you?

Remember that time you got fingered at that party and didn’t tell anyone? That didn’t count, right? Do you remember the time that you fucked Jimmy on Spring break? That didn’t count, right? Vegas? Oh, boy. Remember that time you kissed Renaldo while dancing during girl’s night? That moment was special, so that didn’t count right? Right…

Remember the girl you let suck your dick at the bachelor party? It was only head though, so that doesn’t count right. Remember that chick you fucked after the club? You didn’t cum so that doesn’t count right? Right…

It doesn’t have to be all about sex either:

Do you remember the time you told you children to “Say no to drugs…” but you went to the store to hit the blunt and didn’t really get milk? Do you remember when you taught your children a religion, but you yourself didn’t really practice what you preached? Do you remember when you aligned yourself with a political party, and were forced to fight for ideals that you didn’t wholeheartedly believe in? Remember when you forced those ideals on others?

Are you listening to me?

Are you still looking at yourself in the mirror?  

It gets ugly right?

If you hate me, that is why you hate me.

I am bringing out all of those lies, feelings, and emotions that you have buried.

Go get your partner.

I DARE you.

Look them in the eyes.

Tell them the truth.

Tell them the answers to those questions.

Tell them about all of the skeletons in your closet.

Are you willing to put your life on the line?

Are you willing let EVERY wall come down?

Are you willing to get TRULY naked?

Are you willing to get nasty?

Are you willing to tell the person you claim to love your deepest and darkest secret?

If you cannot do those things, you cannot say anything to me.

That is what I did.

I am a man.

I told the truth.

Here is why:

I am tired. Throughout my entire life, I have observed. I have listened. I have read. I have felt.

I am 36 years old and I am at a breaking point in my life. I am the Pink Floyd Album cover…

I never understood this album cover, but one day it just clicked. It was after the medical marijuana of course. I am the light. I am the white light going through the triangle. That is me going through life. Throughout life I have learned. I have retained information. I have read books. I have listened. I know history.

I am at the colorful point of my life now. I have learned enough. Instead of retaining information, it is time for me to create it. Instead of reading books, it is time for me to start writing books. Instead of listening, it is time for me to start speaking.

Throughout my life I have read history.

I am now the color.

It is now time for me to REWRITE PARADIGMS.

It is time for me REWRITE HISTORY.

History was written by man.

I am a man.

It is my turn.

I am a leader. Leaders have to be radical. You will soon understand.. or at least I hope.

I am going to keep going.

---

Addy wanted me to take my last post down.

No.

Fuck that.

I am tired of conforming to false truths. I will not conform to false truths anymore. THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY IS BUILT ON FALSE TRUTHS. I did not vote in the last presidential election. I didn’t tell anyone that I did not vote, and I did not tell anyone why. Here is why I did not vote:

BECAUSE THE SYTEM IS BULLSHIT. It does not matter who is our president. The game is still the game. I am going to break this down in the form of an analogy:

Life and politics are just like a casino. The earth is like a casino that a person cannot leave. When a person is at either place, they don’t even know why they are there. While they are there though, they can purchase food, shelter, and everything else they need. The amount of money and the amount of knowledge they start out with is determined by their parents.

While they are in the casino, they HAVE to pick a game to play. It is kind of like life… you have to pick a career path in order to survive right?

Same thing.

Just as each game at the casino has rules, life has rules too. Each also has odds.

No matter what game you sit and attempt to play while you are at the casino, the odds are against you. The only thing that changes are the dealers.

In politics, our presidents, senators, and mayors are the dealers. In all honesty, they have little to no impact on the game. The game is already the game. The rules are already the rules. The odds do not change. They are just dealing the cards. 

The POTUS is nothing more than a glorified blackjack dealer. They have some power, but not as much as it seems. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people curse out blackjack dealers for no real reason. They were just dealing the cards. The outcome of the scenario really wasn’t their fault.

It is the same thing with politics. Our president is just dealing the cards. Barack Obama is just like Donald Trump. The only difference is how they deal the cards.

Barack is that smooth dealer. He is going to make you feel good. He is relatively young. He is going to joke with you. He is hip. He knows the waitresses, so the drinks will come quicker. He controls the music, so he will play what you like.

Trump is all business when he deals. He doesn’t care what you think. The game is the game, and that is what he is focused on.

Even though Barack Obama and Donald Trump look and act very different, they are both exactly the same. They are dealers. They have the same job, they just do it in a different way. They are dealers in a casino. They are presidents of the most capitalistic nation on this earth. THEIR JOB IS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY.

I am stuck on this earth though, just like I am stuck in this made-up casino. I cannot leave. So what do I do? Well let me first start by telling you what I am NOT going to do.

I am not playing anymore games.

In my old life, everything I did was about the money. I went hard while playing the game. I thought the money would give me a better life. I had to play the game. I wanted to beat the game. If I couldn’t leave the casino, I was going to eat at the steakhouse. If I was hungry in this word, I was talking Addy to nice restaurant. If I had to stay at the casino, I was going to stay in the Penthouse. If I was alive on this earth, I had to aspire to get a big house. I had to have the most prestigious career with the coolest title. I didn’t care if anyone else was happy. I was driven to conquer it all and keep it for myself. That is what I thought winning was. I thought getting money equated to happiness.

Something changed though. When I recently went to the casino, I no longer had to gamble in order to have a good time. I looked at the carpet. It was beautiful. I looked at the lights. I listened to the music. It was energetic music, and it made me feel good. I looked at the waitresses, even though I didn’t drink or didn’t engage. I admired the beauty. I didn’t need to have it or conquer it. They had places to sit, so I could read a book or relax if I wanted to. I could write their if I wanted to. I could spend a whole day there and do a bunch of fun and fulfilling activities, without playing any of the games or without spending any of my money. Addy even came with me. We ate. We had a good time. Being in the casino and not chasing money wasn’t all that bad.

That is how my life has changed after meeting Addy.  I attempted to use Carl Rogers person centered approach to healing. Even though it took 3 years, it worked. Medical marijuana took me over the top.

I no longer chased the money. I went for walks. I smelled flowers. I look at nature now. I see the little things that I always missed while I was so wrapped up in chasing the money. I feel and experience love like I have never done before.

Addy you know this is true, because I know you can feel it in our interactions. Our sex was always good, but I know you notice the change in how I present it to you. It has become so much more abstract. It keeps getting better.

The casino is a psychological warzone.

This EARTH is a psychological warzone too.

Here is the thing though:

BOTH are manipulated.

But by who do you ask?

It is the owners… and the creators.

There is a war going on outside, no man is safe from. It is a war between positive and negative energy. It is a literally a war. This is happening from the inside of our body to the surface. We all literally consist of protons and electrons. I am not going to go that deep into this, but everything on this earth is either negative and positive energy.

Everything we ever see, feel, touch, hear, and smell determines how that energy is transmitted. If you see someone you like, you smile. Positive energy. If you see something sad, you cry. Negative energy.

WAR.

These forces can be altered. They can be manipulated. The powers that be know this.

While in America and in a capitalistic society, these forces are manipulated with the intent to take your money. It isn’t about the actual money though. It is about control. And in a capitalistic society, the person that controls the money has control over the people.

Our Earth is set up just like a casino. Most signs you see (at least the ones from smart companies) is yellow or red. Why? Because those colors tap into your subconscious, and make you want to spend money.

Why does the casino play music? Music is POWER. Music gets into your mind. Music can make a person subconsciously feel a certain way. Music can motivate and inspire. It can make people love. It can give people hope, and make them take just a little bit more money out of the atm.

Why did you think Bob Marley was assassinated? He made too many people feel too good. He was opening people’s minds with his music and his influence. You could not keep him under control. You could not keep him suppressed. He knew and understood the power of a plant, just like the powers that be knew. That is why Bob Marely was murdered. The powers that be do not want to hear the truth. The truth is not profitable. A cure for Cancer is not profitable. With how the field of psychology is currently constructed, it needs medicine. If big PHARA can prescribe a pill to a person, and that person ‘thinks’ that the medicine will make them feel better, they will be able to sell medicine forever. That is the game.  

This story needs to be told.

So when I say I do not vote, that means I do not want to play the game.

I am at a point in my life where I want to CHANGE the game.

I don’t want to change the casino though.

I want to CHANGE THE WORLD.

I believe in myself that much.

Now let’s look that the same casino, but just in a different way. Again, I encourage you to unlearn everything you think you know.

The casino has everything that everyone in it could ever need. Nobody ever has to leave, and everyone could be happy if the resources were dispersed in the right way.

The casino and the world aren’t like that though. The owners of the casino control the resources. They also control and manipulate the rules of the game. They also have all of the money.

They tell the dealers how to conduct each game. The owners know how the music, smoke smell, pretty waitresses, alcohol, and money all simultaneously have an impact on people and the games.

All throughout the casino there are constant reminders of why money is so great. There are shiny cars. There are advertisements. There are jewelry stores that you can see from the blackjack tables.

The owners create the allure of this amazing fantasy world, all to get you to sit at the table. The moment you sit down at a table and take out your money, you already lost. 

Well kind of.

You CAN win at the casino while playing the game, even though the odds are against you. They funny thing about this, is that the casino LOVES this. If a person wins a jackpot or a car, they are put on a poster, a television monitor, or advertisement elsewhere. The owners of the casino want everyone to believe that they too will be winners, even though they know that it is mathematically impossible.

Casino games all have odds. The odds are ALWAYS in favor of the house, meaning that in the long game, the house will always win. So if a person wins one million dollars in one night, that one million dollars will eventually be recouped over time with a combination of small losses from a different combination of other people. The house ALWAYS wins.

Now let me help you understand how that translates into life. There is a small population of people in this world that are the owners. They control the information. They control the media. They control the music. They control what you see in nature and on your devices. They have the HAARP machine, so they are even learning how to manipulate the weather. Global Warming anyone? They control the laws. They control the prison system.

In summation, they control everything every human ever comes in contact with.

In other words whether you like it or not

 YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDER CONTROL, AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT.

You have to PLAY the game. That is what you have been taught to think since birth. You were conditioned to conform. You HAVE to go to college, right? You HAVE to get that job. You have to do those internship hours. Does that 401k roll over? You aren’t quite sure why you need one, but you have to have one don’t you? Do you own your house? Is that what having a 30-year mortgage means? That is ownership? Should I lease or own my next car? I mean my car is three years old, and I HAVE to stay new right?  

Is that really how we are supposed to live? I do not know. This is what I do know though. If you DO choose to live this way, you can be easily manipulated and controlled. You are at the mercy of the owners. You are constantly being psychologically manipulated.

I have a psychology degree. One of my favorite classes was social psychology. How are you doing Dr. Buburka? I loved your class by the way. It has helped me with this.  

In social psychology class, we analyzed experiments. Scenarios were created by the psychologists. They then put multiple subjects in the same controlled environment and the same controlled situation, to see how they would react. 

The more people that are put through these experiments, the more information that is gathered from the results. Over time you can kind of predict what each human will do when encountered with a certain situation. This information can be continuously broken down by age, sex, religion, and just about everything else in between.

I say off of that to say this:

THIS WORLD IS ONE BIG SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY EXPERIEMENT, JUST LIKE A CASINO.

Everything in is world is controlled by the owners.

Everything except for the mind of Kyle James Kostic… and a few others.

Look at the scenario you are in right now.

Look at your life.

How did you get there?

You have no idea.

Here is the funny part about that though:

Somebody else knows exactly how you got where you did.

Slavery is as real and as rapid as ever. Do you know what the word conformity is? The powers that be are attempting to condition us to conform. They want us all to do and like the same thing.

Taco Tuesday!

#TBT

#MCM

Are you following me yet?

What does the word globalization mean to you? The world wants there to be one authority. The world wants everyone to be similar. The world wants everyone to like the same things, eat the same things, and desire the same things. Everyone wants the steak dinner, and everyone wants the penthouse, and everyone wants the money.

Why would the powers that be want everyone to want the same thing?

That answer is really easy when you think about it.

 Control.  

That makes the game of the world being one big social experiment easier. It has already been established that if you control a scenario, you can control people. Now let’s take this a step further: What if all people were extremely similar, and almost the same? That would make it so much easier to control EVERYONE.

Are you following me?

So I say all of that to say this:

I cheated on my girlfriend for my entire relationship. In your world and in your mind, that makes me an asshole. Try to listen to my explanation with an open mind, and try to unlearn everything that you think you know when you hear me out.

I created a world of lies. The relationship between Addy and I was one big social psychology experiment... and it worked. I manipulated Addy, and it caused her to love me.

Here is the thing though: While it was a social psychology experiment, it was simultaneously something else. I was also simultaneously using Carl Rogers method of healing and rebuilding to fix myself.

While I was creating a world for Addy in my social psychology experiment, I was also creating a new me using Carl Rodgers method of self-healing. The process was slow, but I slowly started to become who I really wanted to be.

This is what happened the other night: The social experiment and the Carl Rodgers healing process all culminated at the exact same time.

Addy, I could have not created a better environment for you for that scenario to occur. You KNOW it. While I hate clichés, you really do have to go to a far-away place and do some pretty far out things in order create and do something that has never been done.

Addy, I TOOK YOU TO THAT PLACE.

YOU LOVE IT THERE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

It was too much for you to handle.

I know it.

But you know I am right.

The paradigm has changed.

You saw true unconditional love with your own eyes, and you know it. You saw a relationship that was a million times BETTER than what you THOUGHT you and I had.

The other night, Addy and I spent a night with my friends. I am going to call them my healers, because that is what they are. They are truly special people.

These people are fascinating. They are just about everything that Addy really wanted to be. If she could have picked a location to live, it would have been that location, if she could have built a house, it would have been that house. If she could have decorated the house how she wanted to, she would have decorated it the exact same way that the house we visited was decorated. If Addy would have planted a garden, she would have done it exactly how it was done at the place where we were staying. If Addy could cook whatever food she wanted, it would have been the food she at that night.

It was too much for her.

That was just the environment. There is more.

When Addy heard my healers talk, she was captivated. She listened. She knew that they were thorough. She knew they had a linear element to them. She knew they were sharp.

This is what bothered her. They did not look like Dr. Bartolli. They did not look like Dr. Hodge. This information was not presented to her in a book, in a lab, or in a controlled environment. We were in the motherfucking WILD. Now even though everything came together and everything made sense, Addy did not want to unlearn everything she though she knew about life. She was too invested in her old life, and her old paradigm.

This is true in reference to a few things. I think she has come around to the medical marijuana. If she hasn’t by now, she NEVER WILL. I am writing this because it is my hope she comes around on one more thing:

That thing is LOVE.

My healers are a couple. They are in LOVE. And when I say love… this love is different. It is real love. In life not only did I show Addy what the best psychological theory was… not only did I show Addy what the cure for cancer is (a combination of modern western medicine practices[surgery], meditation, and medical marijuana) … I also showed Addy TRUE LOVE.

What a day.  

My healers are a couple.

They met while having a threesome with another woman.

Again, rethink everything that you THINK you know.

My healers thoroughly explained this encounter. They said that while their initially interaction began as a threesome, it eventually evolved into a twosome. When them too engaged in their initial moment of love, the third person might as well have fallen off of the earth. Prior to that moment, my healers were polyamorous, non-monogamous, or something else in between. They were wild and cray beings in a wild and crazy world.

But then something weird happened.

THEY happened.

LOVE happened.

Neither of them ever thought they would ever be in a committed relationship. Neither of them WANTED a committed relationship. Love has a crazy way of changing people though. LOVE changed them. They became a couple. Two lifelong non-monogamous people came together in a wild and crazy world to became monogamous.

That is real love.

Kanye West once said, “Love was curse by monogamy.”

He was right.

Monogamy is not natural. That is a FACT. How do I know this? That is what my college thesis was on. I know more about monogamy than most humans. I know that the research says.

Here is the thing though: You can be monogamous in a non-monogamous world. I am not talking about most of these relationships either. Most marriages are bullshit.

Can I continue to keep it all the way real?

If you are reading this, your marriage might be bullshit.

Are you willing to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if your relationship is full of lies and a bunch of bullshit?

Do you remember when you thought about your deepest and darkest secret?

Could you tell your spouse that secret?

Could you tell your parents that secret?

Is your relationship better than mine because you hold onto that secret?

Are you a better man, or woman, or child than me?

No.

If your answer to that question is no, then you are a coward.

I am the truth in a world full of lies.

I will not go back to lies.

I am tired of the world conforming to lies.

Addy wanted me to take down my last blog post just in case her parents saw this.

No.

They need to see this.

They need to know who I am really am… or who I really used to be.

The truth is raw. The truth is real. The truth is the good and the bad. I was who I was, and I own it. I own my truth. I come from nothing. I come from scum. I am crying right now because nobody understands the pain that I come from. Nobody can fully understand but me.

I found myself though.

It was through love.

Truth = LOVE

Love =Addy

It was you Ab.

You led me on the right path. How many times did I tell you that you opened up a whole new world for me? You truly did Ab.

You showed me a world that I did not believe existed. I was a poor kid from 9^th St. in Allentown, PA. I had no idea Lake Mincy existed. I had no idea how beautiful nature is. You showed me Ab. I had no clue about Tumeric and Kombucha juice. I am drinking a Romba right now Ab. I never thought that Christopher Strickland’s son would EVER want to be monogamous. Addy Elizabeth Jefocoat, YOU changed all of that. You changed me Ab.

Now let me change you.

Addy, you saw it. You saw it with your own eyes.

Addy, you cannot unsee the dick.

I showed you the world. I took you to a place that no other doctor, boyfriend, professor, or colleague could ever have ever taken you. You did not think that place existed. You loved it, and it scared the shit out of you. It is ok though. Absorb it. Take all of the information into consideration. Break down the old paradigm and create a new one. Do what Dr. Wesp taught me to do.

Addy, you know what the cure to Cancer is. You know the power of meditation. You know the power of food. You know the power of water. You know the power of forgiveness. You know the power of marijuana, and the power of Carl Rodgers.

Addy, I want you back.

I fucking love you, and I want to be with you and only you.

I know that you love me.

I know you believe in me.

You are a psychologist. I am speaking in your language, so I know that you understand me.

FUCK THE REST OF THE WORLD. WE WILL EDUCATE THEM. WE WILL MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND. WE WILL CHANGE THE PARADIGM.

Here is the thing though Ab, I only want you back on one condition:

I need you to think bigger Ab.

Addy, I love Melissa Mouchreff.

Why do I love Melissa?

It is because of her mind.

Why do I love her mind?

I love the mind of Melissa Mouchreff, because she is the smartest person I have ever met in the world. She is a TRUE GENIUS. Here is what else I love about her mind:

It makes me think about the POTENTIAL of the mind of Addy.  

Right now Addy, Melissa is smarter than you. You are the second smartest person I know Addy.

You aren’t done yet though.

That beautiful mind is still expanding. You have not had your Fibonacci moment yet. Addy, you are way too linear. I need you to become the colorful light beam in the picture on that Pink Floyd Album Cover.

If you turn on your abstract mind, there is NO LIMIT to what you can do.

It is time for the course of your life to change.

Addy, you have read more books than anyone that I have ever met.

It is time for you to start writing them.
Addy, you know every single thing about every single theory.

It is time for you to create your own.

I cannot sit around and watch you do 3000 hours of an internship. I cannot do it. That is not the life I will return to. Addy, I am here to tell you that your thinking has been all wrong. All of this time you have been attempting to learn the field of psychology. With or without me Addy, it is time for you to re-shape and re-create the field of psychology.

If you aren’t thinking that big Addy, you aren’t thinking big enough for me.

If you continue to think that way Addy, we cannot be together anyway.

---

I am a new person.

 I have absolutely nothing, and that is ok.

My mind has never been this clear. I am mentally strong and mentally safe. My cancer is cured. I am starting over in every sense of the world. I literally have no baggage. I can fill my heart, mind, body, and soul with pure truth without having to be afraid. I do not have to worry burying lies.

I no longer have anything to suppress.  

I might look like a mess right now, but I am excited for my future.

I want you to be a part of my future Addy.

Just me and you.

If the rest of the world down not understand, that is ok.

Let’s make them understand.

LET’S CHANGE PARADIGM’S TOGETHER.

That is was Sue from that store in New Hope was telling us. We are the leaders. We are the creators. I am sitting here in the middle of nowhere literally rewriting history. I am attempting to change the way people think, in order to help them achieve peace of mind while they are enamored by the distractions of the casino… or should I say the distractions of the world.

I need you out here helping me.

Has anyone ever asked you to change a paradigm with them? That is pretty fucking romantic if you ask me.

Addy, you are the only person in this world that I want to see right now.

Come get me.

My healers know where I am at.

Come on this journey with me.

If you don’t come, I am going to keep going.

Come with me Ab.

I have taken you farther than you ever imagined that you could go.

KEEP GOING.

I hope to see you soon Ad.

Love,

Kyle.

----

Before this ends, I want to apologize to anyone that I may offended. That means Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, Melissa, or anyone else in between. My intent was to make myself look bad, and not anyone else.

Here is the thing though:

Every woman that I have even been with can hold their head high, because whatever experience we had was LOVE. Ask Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, or Melissa if they ever felt anything other than LOVE during any of our interactions. It was always LOVE, and they know it.

As a young man, I just did not understand the power of LOVE. LOVE is POWERFUL. Love can take over a person. It took me over in those moments. As I grew through life, I did not know how to harness LOVE. I learned that I did not have to harness it though. Monogamy isn’t natural right?

Again, Addy changed all of that. I want to pour all of my love into her.

Love is all things. It is not just the good. Love is EVERYTHING.

Love is being able to self-correct oneself.

Love is being able to admit when you are wrong.

Love is willing to get naked in a damn yome while crying your eyes out, and expressing oneself like never before.

Love is you taking be back Addy.

You are love Addy

While I love the whole world… Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, and Melissa included… I vow to love you differently Ab.

Addy, you are the one.

Let’s make this story a story of forgiveness.

I am going to change the paradigm.

WE can change the paradigm.

We can reshape people’s idea of what TRUE love is.

Allentown is going to read this story. They are going to understand, and they are going to forgive me. Allentown is going to understand that this story is so much bigger than me and my actions.

Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, and Melissa probably already understand. They know I love them, and every moment we shared was love.

Come get me Ab.

That is how this story ends.

Make it a love story.

I love you Ab.

Come bring me home.

You are the only one that can do it.

My healers know where I am located

I love you, and I will be waiting.

Love,

Kyle