It is 2:10 am. I'm at the kitchen table. I wasn't feeling too good today after my treatment. My doctors said that there would be a time that I would "hit the wall" when it came to getting radiation. I'm not sure if I hit the wall yet, but I can feel it coming. My head is literally screwed down into that tight mask onto that hard table... all while radiation is being "zapped" into my neck, throat, and mouth. The parts of my body where the radiation is being applied vibrates while they do it. It is just a really weird feeling. This process has made my mouth extremely dry, causing me to have to carry a bottle of water with me all times. I feel like the radiation that goes into my body simultaneously takes the energy out of it... leaving me short of breath and lethargic afterwards. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining because I'm not... just telling my story. I have completed 14 treatments and have 21 more to go. I am built for it and will get through it.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has offered their help to me during this process. A lot of people have been asking me about who my silent partner is, and if there is anything they can do in addition to what she does that will assist me and her in getting me better. I want everyone to know that I really, really, appreciate the offers, but I am extremely well taken care of. My silent partner drives me to every one of my doctors appointments. She has an extremely detailed notebook that outlines every aspect of my treatment. She sets medication alerts to both of our phones. She has that blue binder that categorizes every piece of information that we have received since Day 1 of this process. She goes food shopping literally every single day. She cooks every meal. She has supplements for me. Pretty much everything is organic and good for people who are dealing with cancer. She is constantly cleaning the apartment, washing the sheets, and making sure my environment is constantly clean. Anything that you can think of in reference to this process and my well being... she has covered.

As far as about who she is... she would like to remain nameless. Of course my friends and close family know her. If her and I are ever out in public together and I see someone I know, of course I will introduce her. She is fine with that. What she doesn't want though is for me to acknowledge her on Facebook or on this blog. She is a lot like me. She doesn't like attention. She does not have any social media accounts or any information about her on the internet. She is extremely quiet and reserved. She just wants me to get better. I respect her wishes and will do what she asks.

Even though she doesn't want her identity to be revealed on the internet, she did give me permission to tell everyone a little about herself though. I have met a lot of people in this world, but I can honestly say that she is the smartest person I have ever met in my life. She graduated from Temple with a dual major and a 4.0 GPA (I saw her transcript... it is ridiculous lol). After graduation she moved to Japan where she worked and lived for 7 years doing project management for a major airline manufacturing company in Tokyo. She is Caucasian, but can speak and read Japanese fluently. She has her black-belt in Karate and has won a lot of competitions. Even though she was getting paid well in her career in Japan, she decided to come back to the United States and pursue work as a helping professional. She wanted to do something more rewarding  and meaningful with her life. This led to her coming back home with the goal of becoming a counseling psychologist.

After returning to the United States, she re-enrolled in school and accepted a job as a cashier/server at Starbucks. While she did not need the money or job at Starbucks(and wasn't really getting paid any real money anyway), she stated that she liked helping people and enjoyed doing so in that role. So being the extremely humble person she is...  she took a huge pay cut and worked at Starbucks for 2 years while simultaneously obtaining her undergraduate Psychology degree. I love the fact that she does everything with purpose in mind, and not for money. She has perfect credit and her own money... yet she drives a 16 year old car. All of the furniture in her apartment has been restored or has come from a second hand shop. She would rather get heels on her shoes repaired rather than buy new shoes. She couldn't care less about jewelry or material things. Money, status, or attention is never the motivation, and I love that about her.

After receiving her undergraduate degree while maintaining a 4.0 GPA, she began working as a supplemental instructor at East Stroudsburg University. That is how we met. While I attended ESU we became friends. Our relationship was strictly professional. She was so helpful to all of her students, often going above and beyond her call of duty. She was always so immersed in her work and helping people, which was something I really admired about her. After I graduated from ESU we stayed in contact for a little and continued to be friends, but nothing more. I eventually found out she was going to graduate school in Philadelphia and had moved to the Lehigh Valley to shorten her commute. Coincidentally around that time we were both single. Since she was now in the area we started hanging out as friends. One thing led to another... and we eventually became a couple. We have been together ever since.

I am so thankful to have her in my life. Our conversations are so great. Her knowledge base is remarkable and her cultural experiences are amazing. Like I said earlier, everything she does is about purpose and has some sort of value to it. She couldn't care less about money. She is always reading and always learning. She is always trying to improve herself with the intention of using her better self to help improve the lives of others. She currently works at a local university as an academic-career coach who helps students with special needs. She is involved with research and is currently conducting a peer reviewed research study. She has won so many awards, has published so many articles, and has done so many things in her life, yet she is the humblest person I have ever met. Her pace is so slow. She is never in a rush. She never gets flustered and is always seemingly in control. I am extremely lucky to have her in my corner during the fight of my life.

A few days after I found out I had Stage IV cancer, I broke down. I haven't told anyone this, but I was seriously at my brink. I was seriously considering suicide. I was in my bed naked, crying, sweating, and just at a total wreck. A lot of people say that suicide is for cowards and you have to be mentally weak to even consider it. I honestly used to think the exact same way. But I had cancer now. I had death inside of me. I knew exactly how I was going to die and exactly what was going to kill me. I had lost all control. I lost it. I wanted the control back, and the only way I could get it back was to die on my own terms and kill myself. You can never tell a person how to feel when they are dealing with this in their own mind. You can't. You cannot tell them they are weak because you cannot understand what they feel if you have never been there. It is REAL. I was ready. I was in pain. My ear was pounding. I couldn't sleep. I was seriously ready to let go.

My silent partner saved me. She stayed awake with me. She comforted me while I cried. She maintained a calming tone while talking to me, I was an absolute emotional wreck. She showed no signs of weakness. She became my strength. She assured me that a plan was in place. She assured me that I was young and that my prognosis was good. She assured me that she would be there with me every step of the way. She outlined my reasons to fight and reasons to want to live. We stayed up all night until the sun came up. While it took all night, she eventually managed to calm me down. She helped me through. Ever since that breakdown my mind has been right and I have had a positive attitude in reference to my diagnosis and my treatment. She instilled that initial faith and hope in me that I needed. She has not left me alone since. I was living alone at the time of my breakdown, but she insisted I move in with her. She stayed with me every night until I did. If we were apart or she had to work she would always check up on me. I am extremely grateful for what she did for me that night night, prior to that night, and every day since.

Unless you see us out in person... this is the closest you will get to seeing her and I...

While I am talking about helpers... I might as well talk about my doctors. 

Pictured above is Dr. Wakstein, an otolaryngologist. This is the man that told me I had cancer. He was very nice about it... as nice as you can be while giving a person such news. He gave me a hug after he told me too. 

 After I left his office that day, I sat in my car and cried. CRIED. I cried like a baby. It is crazy because prior to this I was so emotionally stable and never cried. Once I stopped crying and got my composure, I called my daughters mother Nani. She was the first person I told I had cancer. Even though we are divorced, we are civil. I just felt like she needed to know first for whatever reason. Maybe because she was the mother of my youngest child I felt that way... I don't know. Even though I thought I was composed, as soon as she answered the phone I started crying again. Ugh... reality was tough to deal with that day. 

I might as well talk about how I told everyone who is close to me I had cancer. 

After Nani and I got off of the phone, I called my silent partner. After she calmed me down, she immediately went into resolution mode. She showed no signs of weakness or doubt. It was always, "We are going to fix this."

I didn't tell my daughter until about two weeks later. I just couldn't tell her. How do you tell your baby girl that you have cancer? It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had told her I was sick and that I was going to be sick for a while, but I didn't tell her I had cancer. I was considering not even telling her and just going through treatment. She had to know though. She told me her mother was acting different and she knew something was wrong. We were driving in the car one day, and I asked her if she knew what was wrong with me. I know my daughters mother told her grandmother at that point, so I wanted to know if Maecee already got a sense of what was up. And she did. Maecee told me, "Is what you have like the zodiac sign?" When I asked her what sign she said... "Cancer?"

When I said yes, she immediately started crying. She looked me in my eye and told me that her heart felt broken. What could I say to that? At that moment I used all of the strength in my body to stay composed. I smiled. I assured her that her daddy was going to fight and that her daddy was going to be alright. I let her know that my doctors think they can cure me. My daughter is 10 and doesn't know anything about cancer. All she knows is that cancer killed her great grandmother. I am sure she thought it was going to kill her daddy too. I assured her I was going to get treatment and that I was going to be ok. I pulled the car over and  gave her a hug. When I started to drive again, she stopped crying. I wanted to keep talking to her and keep instilling positive thoughts into her mind. She didn't cry again. She believed me. I have never lied to that little girl. My daughter and I have the best communication in our relationship. She has every reason to trust me, because everything I have ever said to that little girl has come true. And this was going to be no different. If I told her I was going to be alright, then that meant I was going to be alright. My daughter has been positive and optimistic ever since. 

Telling my mother was tough. My mother moved to Arizona earlier this year. Koi was actually out there vising her when I told her. I was going to initially wait until Koi got back to tell her because I wanted the two of them to enjoy their time together. But too much was happening and I felt like I needed to tell her sooner rather than later. So I called her and told her that something was wrong. I had texted her earlier in the week for my grandfathers number... so when I told her I had some bad news she though it had something to do with him. I said "No mom, it's me. I have cancer" 

She was in complete shock. I again remained strong and positive... just like I did with my daughter. Even though I felt some type of way, I wanted to make sure that I didn't display any type of weakness. My mom couldn't believe it. Cancer? All she kept saying is... "I'm coming home, I'm coming home." I didn't even know what to say. My mom had just gone through a really rough year. My mom was relaxing and enjoying herself in Phoenix, AZ. A part of me wanted her to stay out there so she didn't have to put any more stress on herself. But another part of me wanted her home. That is my mommy. My mom and I have been through hell and back together. I knew I was going to need her emotional support in order to get through what I was about to go through. After that initial conversation She told me she was going to find a way back home. Less than two weeks later, my mom moved all the way back across the country with her cat and dog to help take care of her son. What a woman. 

Telling Koi. UGH. That us my baby boy. How do I do it? I didn't know how. One Sunday morning Koi, my mom, Maecee, and my silent partner went out to breakfast. Everyone knew except for Koi, and it was my intention to tell him that day. While we were sitting at the table Koi told all of us that he went to a party last night. When we asked what the party was for, Koi said and I quote: "It was for some lady that had cancer." Everyone at the table felt so awkward and began looking at me. I thought Maecee was going to say something, but she remained quiet. I left the diner that day without telling him. I just couldn't. 

Later that night I just called him and told him. Again like I did with my mother and Maecee, I stayed strong and assured him that I was going to be alright. I had to. I have always been a rock to Koi. I have always been the man. I had to continue to be. He trusted me. We talked a little about what my treatment consisted of, and that was it. 

Over the next few days I told Shannon, Tramell, Josh, and a very few other people. After telling my inner circle, that was going to be it. It took me so long to tell my family and friends. I wanted that to be it. I didn't want anyone else to know. Everyone knows now though... and that's ok. We have all seen all the good that has come out of everyone knowing, so I am glad that the news is out. So many people have been uplifted and inspired. So many people have reconnected. So many people created so much positive energy which has had a positive effect on what seems like the entire community. I think that is awesome, and I am glad I could be part of the reason for it. Ok, now back to my treatment team... 

Pictured above is Dr. Cardiges. He is a radiation oncologist. This is the man who is in charge of my radiation treatments. He tells me when, where, and how much I need to be "zapped" pretty much. He is a great guy... but his tie game is suspect! 

Pictured above is Dr. Nakajima. He is a Hematology Oncology Specialist. He is in charge of my chemotherapy plan. I am on the Chemotherapy plan "Cisplatin." Google Cisplatin if you want more information. Basically it will say it is the toughest chemo treatment there is. Whatever he wants me to do or thinks I need I will do though. Dr Nakajima is from Japan, so I had my silent partner talk to him in Japanese. He was shocked. I think that made him like us even more. He is a really nice guy. 

Pictured above is Dr. Baxter. He is a Palliative Care physician aka my pain doctor. He prescribes my medication. After taking some time to get it right, we finally have all of my medication to the point were I'm not in much pain or I am not very nauseous. He also does my acupuncture too which has been helping. Dr. Baxter is the man. If you ever see him out, show him some love. he is a really nice guy. Sidebar... look at my feeding tub hanging out from under my shirt lol. 

I should probably stop now. I wrote a lot. Once I get in my zone I just GO. It is 4:14 am. I'm not even close to being tired. My silent partner is asleep. I have radiation at 8:00 am. I guess I will just watch Kemba Walker highlights on YouTube until its time for my treatment. Have a god day everyone. If you want to donate to my cause, click on the link below. Love. 

-Kyle

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic