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It is 6:41 AM EST on Tuesday February 21, 2017. I am sitting at the kitchen table. If you know me and you were expecting me to be somewhere else right now, please stay with me.

I have a dilemma.

I just had major surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my lung. This was a little over a year after recovering from chemotherapy and radiation treatments in an attempt to treat my head and neck cancer. During that 5 month process I was unable to eat, drink, swallow or sleep... in addition to being in an extreme amount of pain. After these two procedures, the reality of the situation is that my life expectancy is no longer anywhere near that of a healthy 36 year old man.

That is my dilemma.

What am I supposed to do now? Facing this set of circumstances has been an extremely difficult challenge for me. At this moment I feel like I have finally gotten to the point where I have gained some clarity and am able to put things into perspective. I finally understand how I should proceed with the rest of my life.

When I am healthy, Abby and I like to play these driving games. Here are some examples: Each of us will pick a direction, play rock paper scissors, and the winner will select that direction to randomly drive. On our drives we will engage in conversation, laugh, sit in silence, debate, sing, and listen to informational podcasts. We will randomly stop at an interesting place to eat or at an interesting attraction along the way. We will also do things like pick a scenic route to Philadelphia, and it will take us 3 hours to get there. Or we will pick a beach in New Jersey, and we will have to get there just using the compass on the iPhone. We will randomly walk around the campus of Princeton University. Yea I know some of these things may sound ridiculous, but they are relatively inexpensive and FUN for us.

The weekend before my surgery, we drove south. We ended up in Washington D.C. We went to the National Museum of African American History and Culture at the Smithsonian. We also visited the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. statue, the White House, The Lincoln Memorial, and the Washington Monument. Here are some pictures...

Being in D.C. gave me the chills. I really love history. To think that the events in humanity really happened and that the people that took part in those events were actually real is extremely neat to me when I think about it.

We ended up spending the night in D.C. In the morning we played the direction game, and "east" was the winner. We ended driving to Cape May, NJ. For the most part, the beach was empty. A lot of the hotels were closed, but the ones that were open were basically giving their rooms away. A lot of restaurants and shops were closed too, but that ones that were open were filled with people enjoying themselves. It was an extremely peaceful and inviting atmosphere. Here are some pictures...

I love these trips for a variety of reasons. I feel so free and refreshed when I am driving in the car. I love turning off my phone, putting on Marvin Gaye, and pretending that I am in the year 1971. I love driving along State Route 32 South while taking in nature, marveling at the Delaware River, and knowing that George Washington really crossed that same river 240 years ago. I love randomly seeing people engaging in meaningful conversations, laughing, and being in love. These moments make me feel alive.

These trips also remind me of my life's dream. Other than seeing my children live a happy life, it was my dream in life to travel around the world, engage with humanity, and experience a wide range of emotions and challenges. It was my dream to write a book about the trip. I also wanted to be on the New York Times best sellers list. That wasn't my dream, just icing on the cake. There are certain scenarios in my loosely planned travel that I know I want to talk about and experience that I know will evoke certain feelings out of the reader. I want the reader to laugh, cry, think, and be inspired. I want to talk about love, expression, adversity, emotion, regret, and many other things. There is a beautiful story out there in this world, and I wanted to be the one to tell it.

The reality of the situation is that my dream is in jeopardy. My surgery was tough. They cut a piece of my lung out. I had a catheter in my penis. I had a huge tube in my side that was used to drain blood and any fluids out of my lung. I had a feeding tube in my nose. My body was extremely sore and I was extremely medicated. Here is a picture of me laying in bed...

That tube to my right is in my lung. It is draining all of the fluids. As you can see, there is a lot of blood in there.

My cancer had metastasized, meaning that it could pop up anywhere at anytime at this point. Every time I get an itch, chill, or an ache anywhere on my body... I worry because I am afraid that whatever feeling I am feeling might be the beginning of "the final tumor."

I literally saw Hell on Earth while I was in the hospital. I was in Fox Chase Cancer Center, a hospital and research facility in Philadelphia that is dedicated specifically to cancer. Every person seen there is an adult cancer patient. After my surgery, my nurses encouraged me to go for walks to prevent blood clots. Here is a picture of me in bed and on a walk...

I saw some stuff in the hospital that looked like it belonged in a science fiction horror movie. I saw a man who seemed to be in his early 40's that had a tumor from his ear to his chin the size of a mini football. The look on his face was a look of complete hopelessness and despair. I saw a very young girl who looked like she must have just turned 18 years old. She was being wheeled down the hallway while in her gown in a wheelchair. She was completely bald. Her eyes were half open. As we crossed paths and made eye contact, her head just dropped in her lap. It was like she just gave up. I had a roommate in my room. While I was laying in my bed after my surgery, the doctor of my roommate addressed the patient and his family. While I couldn't see what was going on because we were separated by a curtain, Abby and I could hear the entire conversation. The doctor told everyone that the hospital has exhausted all of its treatment options, and that the doctor wanted the patient to be moved to hospice to prepare for his imminent death. The family was DEVASTATED. They asked the doctor if there were any other treatment options, trials, or any other radical methods that would potentially help prolong the life of their family member. The doctor said that there was nothing more that could be done. The family was devastated.

Observing these things help me put my own situation into perspective. Cancer is serious. While I remain optimistic, beating cancer is no small task. This was my second bout. The reality of the situation is that it really may keep coming back, and that I really may not win.

While I was in the hospital, my friend Hassan acknowledged the birthday of his friend and high school basketball teammate Arthur Perryman III. Arthur died of cancer at the age of 19 years old in 1995. While I did not know Arthur personally, I knew his story. Here is a picture of Arthur...

This acknowledgement led me to searching the internet for articles about Arthur. Arthur was once considered the best basketball player in Monroe County history, so I wanted to take some time to look over his accomplishments. During my internet search I am came across this article from 1994.If you would like to read the article in it's entirety, click the link below.

Article

In the article it mentioned that Arthur received his cancer treatment at Fox Chase Cancer Center, the hospital I was at. It also mentioned that cards, flowers and donations could be sent to his room... 214A. After reading this article, I asked Abby what room we were in. Coincidentally, we were also in room 214A. Hmmm...

After my experience with cancer, what I saw in the hospital, and what I read in this article... I knew that my life would never be the same. It couldn't be. I was in the same space that Arthur Perryman III was in shortly before he died. He never got the chance to continue life and to continue to attempt to achieve his dreams. My friend Bradley Davis died at 19 years old from a gunshot wound to his abdomen. He never got the chance to achieve his dreams. Dakota Galusha, the 7th grade boy who lost his life by being hit by a school bus, will never get to attempt to achieve his dreams. Robert Edwards will never get to see Bigman play football. Joseph "Jo-Jo" Smith never got to see Anthony Ross become a college basketball coach. Those things aren't right. Kelly Roth, Brian Island, Jason Vega, Lips, Joey Botz, Chucky da Bull, Tarrell Hardmon, O-Head, Jason Troxell, and Eric Wagner are among many people I know personally who died young. Those things weren't right. I was really begin to question if my name was going to be added to this list.

Well if my name was going to be added to the list of people who died young, I wanted to attempt to leave this earth with one more gift before I was gone. I already wrote and published one book, and finished writing the book about my first cancer experience. Not to go off on a tangent, but I love my books. My first book "A Collection of our Thoughts" is awesome. I love it. It is my baby. It is a GREAT book. I do not say that because I wrote it... I say so because of the wide range of people that can relate to it.

The book that I wrote that has not been published yet is entitled. "While you still can." The title is in reference to having a sense of urgency in reference to attempting to achieve whatever you want in life. Hope and perseverance are the overall themes.The majority of that book is the blog in which I talk about my cancer experience. The beginning and ending are untold stories. There is also some new material mixed in.

My plan for that book is to have it published at some point, whether I am dead or alive. When it is published, I want it to be published at cost. Meaning that when Amazon produces a book... if it costs $2.66 cents to produce the book... I want the book to be sold for $2.66. I don't care about making money from the story. That story is about hope. I gave it away for free on the blog, and want to give it away in book form for the least amount of money as possible. I do not want to charge people a premium price for a story about hope.

Ok back to the story...

I told myself that while those two books are great gifts to the world...  I really wanted to give the world one more. Once I returned home from the hospital, I became fixated on my goal. Physically I was recovering well, but mentally I was not in the best space. I was dealing with trauma. I had depression, PTSD, and anxiety... in addition to being heavily medicated. Despite all of that, nothing was going to stop me from achieving my dream.

I had a doctors appointment on Friday, February 17. During that appointment I got my stitches out due to my rapid healing. I also got an x-ray indicating that my operation was a success. While I am still sore, I am alright. My doctor cleared me to drive. She advised me that I still could not lift weights and that I still could not go back to work. She said that considering the severity of what I do, my mental state, and what I just went through... some time away from work doing what you like to do would be extremely beneficial to your mental health.

That gave me a window. I had a sufficient enough amount of time that would enable me to attempt to write my last book. I immediately started to plan. I would leave Saturday morning, drive to West Virginia to meet my best friend Tramell, and navigate across the country from there.

I told my daughters mother about my idea, and she was on board. I cannot say enough good things about her. Things have been difficult during this process, and there have been many instances where I could not be the father that everyone was accustomed to. She has been extremely understanding though, which is greatly appreciated.

When I told my son, he didn't care. He asked me if he could go, but I told him that I wanted him to see me have this experience so that will inspire him to have an experience like that of his own. I told the same thing to my daughter.

I knew my daughter was going to cry and cry and beg for me to come home. I knew I was going to cry when I saw her on Facetime. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't coming home. I wanted her to understand that she will be fine, and that it would be ok to miss me. I have given her so much in her life. I have spent so much time with her. Every moment of her life that we were together was an engaging one, meaning that we were always doing something with each other. We were always learning, always having fun, and always doing something. I wanted her to know that her dad was brave, and that he wanted to go out into the world and attempt to save humanity. Long after my death, this book would help her understand what I was attempting to achieve. She is my daughter, and I knew she would eventually grow to understand.

My mom had her reservations, but she believes in me. When I proposed her with this crazy idea, after a little hesitation she told me to go for it.

Abby would be the toughest to convince. She is the closest person to me, so she is the person who would be able to tell if I had the ability to do what I set out to accomplish. She is a psychologist, so she also could accurately assess my mental health. I have to be honest... she was definitely not convinced that this was a good idea. She was worried I wouldn't eat healthy enough. I told her that I would buy a bunch of baby food and healthy snacks from Whole Foods, multiple packs of water, and only eat at healthy restaurants and grocery stores. She was worried about my driving. I told her that I would only drive during the day, and that if I felt tired at any time I would pull over. She was worried about my safety. I advised her that I would never put myself in any bad situations. I do not drink alcohol or attend bars. I am a writer. A lot of my time will be spent in quiet places like libraries, cafes, nature, and hotel rooms. After going back and forth for a while, she became supportive of my goal. She was the last person to approve. I really was going to go.

I know what you are thinking. it is Tuesday morning. You should be gone by now. Yea I know... just keep reading...

So, I got all packed up on Friday night. I planned on leaving at 4 am. I wanted to see my friend Tramell at 8am, and it would take me 4 hours to get there. Tramell is in Federal Prison, so I am only able meet with him on specific days and times.

I could not sleep at all on Friday night. I had an extreme amount of anxiety. I literally cried until 9:30 AM on Saturday morning. I just kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. I kept thinking about how much I was going to miss everyone. Even though I wasn't going to be gone for a long period of time, being away from home with everything that was going on would be tough. Fear had complete control of me.

I knew that Abby would miss me. We are a team. We really do compliment each other very well. She is just as nerdy and dorky as I am, and I love it. When I am with her, I feel safe. I was leaving my safety net behind.

I didn't want to be safe though. I wanted to be completely vulnerable, wild, and free in the world. I have Stage IV cancer that has metastasized. I literally have nothing to lose. I did not want my life to end in a hospital bed with regret. I wanted to express myself like I never had before. I wanted to write with no fear. I wanted to be completely transparent. I wanted to touch on everything... kind of like how I did with my first book.

When thinking about that... I realized that it was my time to be great. I was a writer, and I needed to go write. I did not want things to be this way, but all roads led to me here. I had to let my destiny manifest. I was Eminem in the mirror in 8-Mile. This was my moment.

So after a very long night and a very long morning, I decided that I was going to go. I was going to make my family proud. I was going to be Allentown's savior. I was going to inspire the city. I was going to do what those people I knew who died untimely deaths would never have the opportunity to do. I was going to spend the rest of my life attempting to achieve my dream.

After taking a nap on Saturday morning, I left my home in Allentown, PA at around 1 PM. When I got in the car and started driving, I immediately started crying, smiling, and screaming. It was weird.

I arrived in Morgantown, West Virginia at about 7:00 pm. I took my time driving. The usual 4 hour trip took 6 hours. I really took my time. I stoppped a few times along the way. I say in nature. I breathed the air. Western Maryland and West Virginia have beautiful nature. You know me... I started blogging and doing my thing. Here are some pictures...

More on the bear in the pictures another time... ;-)

Me at West Virginia's football stadium

I got a hotel room. I then got some food and decided to relax. I was going to just chill and watch the NBA dunk contest until I went to bed. Tramell's visit was at 8:00 AM. I was going to go there for a few hours, and make my way down south afterward.

While I am watching the dunk contest, my daughter calls me on FaceTime. Here we go. I could tell that something was wrong. After engaging in small talk for a while, I asked her what was wrong. She immediately started crying. She said that she missed me. She said that she was worried about me. She said that she wanted me to come home. She said that she understands that I wanted to change the world, but that I didn't have to try to do so right now. She said that she just wanted me to be home. She wanted to take care of me. She wanted me to be loved.

Damn. I knew this was going to happen. This was my baby. If you know me you know how the relationship between my daughter and I is. She is my everything. We are always together. But like I said, I knew this going to happen. I told myself that I wasn't going to break.

I did not stand a chance though. Seeing her cry broke my damn heart. I told her I was coming home tomorrow. She smiled and seemed to feel more comfortable. We talked for a little while, and said our goodbyes.

When I hung up the phone, I just threw it. I could not stop crying. Seeing my baby cry for me and beg for me to come home really hurt. What was I doing? There I was, sitting in a hotel room in Morgantown, West Virginia, a little less than three weeks after having major surgery for cancer on my lung. I really thought I could drive across the country and write a book in my condition? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING!?!?

She was right. My baby was right. My 11 year old daughter was right. I was so damn tired. I just spent damn near the last 24 hours crying. I just had an anxiety attack and manic episode. When I laid on that bed in that hotel room, I went to sleep immediately.

That morning I slept in. I didn't check out of the hotel until after 10:00 AM. Since I was already in West Virginia, I figured that it would be a no-brainer to go visit Tramell on my way home.

If you do not know Tramell, here is a quick rundown. He was one of my 3 really best friends growing up. Nevin is my brother so I don't put him in that category. If you know me, you know who the other two people are. In reference to Tramell... has a wonderful personality, is kind-hearted, and has pushed boundaries. Sometimes he pushed boundaries too far and in the wrong direction. His 41 year prison sentence for robbing banks is an indication of that.

Tramell has been locked up for 10 years and two months. His prison sentence was for 41 years. He has 31 years left of his sentence to complete. Now picture this scene: Two men are sitting in the middle of a big room in a Federal Prison in the middle of nowhere, West Virginia. One man has cancer, but is completely free. He was told that he had 1-2 years or "maybe a little more" to live, all things considered. The other man has a clean bill of health, but will be completely confined for the next 31 years. He has no foreseeable hope of going home. It is really interesting to look at "time" from both of those perspectives. Time is weird.

Anyway... we had one of the best conversations we have ever had. My friends and I always had great conversations. We didn't have smartphones or the internet when we spent 24 hours together back in the day. Our communication was constant. We were always engaged, resulting in some special interactions.

This conversation was one of the special ones. We laughed. We LAUGHED!!!!! We talked about old times. During this conversation there were moments that he felt like he was free, and I felt like I was going to live forever. There time goes being tricky again...

We also talked about serious issues. I told him about how I wanted to drive across the country and write a book about it. When he heard about my idea, he looked me square in the eye and starting cracking up. He said that I would be a fool to go out there alone and attempt to change the world. He told me that my time left in an attempt to save the world was over. He told me that I should focus on putting my time and resources into my children, so that they can attempt to save it.

While I do not wholeheartedly agree with everything he said, for the most part he was right. I should not be out in the world globetrotting while my children are at home worried about me.

After talking to him for a while, I wanted to ask him one last question. I wanted to ask him if he could get out today and have as much time as the doctors thought I had... what would he do? Without a pause, his face lit up. His eyes were wide open! Before he could say a word, I stopped him. I told him not to say anything. His facial expression was all I needed to see.

I still have time left. I am not going to live solely according to my prognosis. While I may not have enough time to write the book that will save the world, maybe the time spent instilling great qualities into my children will enable them to do so. I want to give my children that same eye opening feeling that Tramell felt when he had the idea of freedom in his mind. I want to empower them with the ability to feel like they can accomplish whatever they dream.

After the conversation between Tramell and I, I knew what I needed to do. It took me days of stress and contemplation, a puddle full of tears, and driving all the way to West Virginia to realize that the rest of my time on this Earth needs to be spent with with my children and family.

So all of that leads me to this morning. I am sitting at the kitchen table. My dream is not going to come true. I let my friends down. I let Allentown down. I am not going to change the write the book that changes the world.

We are.

If you know me, you know that I am rather creative. Another thing you know is that I am not a quitter. Anyone that has ever fought with me knows that I will fight until there is no tomorrow. Deante told me he thought I was crazy after we go into it at Union Terrace back in the day. I won't stop until I give everything I have.

My daughter is 11 years old. She is a great writer. Sometimes I read some of her homework assignments and I am just like... "wow." Her writing is amazing. She also loves media. She is a wizard on the iPhone. She is extremely talented, and it would be fun to have her use some of those skills while expressing herself.

My son is 19 years old. He is very quiet, but extremely interesting when he expresses himself. He has a blog, but he doesn't show it to anyone. He writes, takes pictures, and shoots videos. The first time I saw his blog, I was in complete shock. It was excellent.

What two people in this world would be better to help me write a book than my own children? How about creating a blog, or even making a documentary? It is time for me to pass the torch. The time is now. There is no turning back. I am going to drive my children across the country. I am going to have them help me write a book. They are going to be the co-authors. I am also going to have them help me make a documentary. They are going to be the co-producers. I am going to have them help me maintain this blog from now on... even until after I am gone. They are also going to look after me physically while we are on this trip.

I have taken my daughter out of school. Her absences are excused. My son is already out in the world. I am going to pick him up along the way. It is my goal to show my children the United States of America. Unlike my other blog posts, I am going to blog each experience in real time. I want to make a new post at least every two days rather than blogging the whole trip in its entirety once I come home. I am going to have my children make posts. I am going to have everyone record footage and take pictures. I want them to remember this experience for the rest of their lives. I want them to be heavy contributors. In addition to the blog and a documentary, this experience is going to be a book. Not only a book in physical form though. I want to have every word in the book read out loud by the writer. I also want to have it video recorded. Imagine if you could hear F. Scott Fitzgerald read the Great Gatsby out loud. Imagine of you could actually see him reading it. We are in 2017, and I wanted to be creative in the way I attempt to produce my art. So this will be a video and audio book in addition to a physical book.

I don't know what is about to happen. All I know is that I have just enough money to give my children a worthwhile experience. I am not scared to go out in to the world, go for broke, and start over from scratch. I have lived with zero dollars before as a grown man. I slept on a florescent green pool raft as a 30 year old man when I was going through some hard times. I have come back from nothing time and time again. I am no longer scared to face any of my fears. I am going to go out into the world with my children. Since cancer may not give me the opportunity to give my children a lifetime of opportunities, I want to take this chance to give my children the opportunity of a lifetime. Will this documentary make the Sundance Film Festival or Netflix? Will the book make the New York Times Best Sellers list? For all I know, it all might suck. If it all doesn't work out, that is alright. At least I can say I tried. When I die I want Jules to write on Facebook... "THAT MAN JUG WAS CRAAAAAAZY LMAAOOOOO!!!!" because I went for it. I want everyone to smile when they see me in my casket. I want everyone to know that I pushed the envelope, even though I may not have accomplished my ultimate goal of saving the world.

I know us though. I believe in us. I believe that we have what it takes to create something great. Let's see what happens.

Are your ready? I am.

Lets go.

Talk to you soon.

-Kyle