The picture above was taken of me on 10/05/2015, the last day of my cancer treatment. I looked like I was dead. I still remember how I felt that day, the weeks leading up to that day, and the months following that day. I was weak, lifeless, and felt defeated. I would just sit in my bed not being able to move, eat, sleep, or talk. That picture still haunts me. 

Even though I was disillusioned at times, the only thing I was able to do during those moments was think. At times during our lives we all tell ourselves that we are going to die. We talk about it casually and passively, like that day is so far in front of us that we don’t really have to worry about it. We see other people’s lives end, but we never really think that it is going to happen to us. Now most of us don’t actually say that we are going to live forever, but the way a lot of us actually live our lives says it for us.

I had all of these big plans and big dreams for my life. I had dreams of being a nomad one day. I was going to be 42 years old when my daughter turned 18. Until that time came it was my goal to stay mentally and physically sharp, preparing myself for the adventure of a lifetime. It was my dream to travel from country to country, work remotely, and enjoy being immersed in other cultures while meeting new people and having new experiences.

It wasn’t until I was lying in that bed suffering from cancer that I realized that I was really going to die. It really was going to happen to me too. When that realization hit me I was overcome with feelings of anger, sadness, and despair. I cried… and cried… and cried. I was going to leave so much life on the table. I was not going to get the most out of the human experience, and I was never going to achieve my dreams. During those moments I promised myself that if I ever got out of that bed and if I would ever recover, that I was no longer going to put off my dreams. I was going to live with a greater sense of urgency and purpose in every aspect of my life.

Well if you have been following my blog, you know I have gotten out of that bed. It has been a long and difficult process, but I am the point where my cancer is currently in remission. To be perfectly honest though, I don’t know how long I am going to be healthy. I am scared. Stuart Scott’s cancer went in and out of remission before it eventually killed him. Jim Kelly’s cancer has gone in and out of remission. I just heard yesterday that Craig Sager is no longer in remission. What if my cancer came back… and what if I did not recover from the next round of treatment? Those feelings are really real for me.

With all of that being said, it is go time. NOW. I cannot wait until I am 42 years old to start living how I want to live. I am healthy, and it is time to make moves.

As I mentioned before, it was my intention to stop posting on this blog once I got healthy. After thinking about it further, my intentions have changed. I have gotten so many phone calls, text messages, emails, and Facebook messages telling me how I have inspired others. I figured I would continue to attempt to inspire others, but now I would attempt to do so in a different way. So I decided to convert this blog from a cancer blog into a travel blog. It is my dream to see the world. I figured that chronicling the pursuit of my dream will help put things into perspective for others, and help inspire them to pursue the dreams of their own.  

When I decided to travel the world, I had to figure out how I was going to do it. I have evolved into a minimalist, which has given me some flexibility. Aside from some books that I keep in my mother’s garage, everything that I own fits into one small closet. I wear the same pair of Stan Smith Adidas pretty much every day. My daughter laughs at me because I don’t wear Jordan’s or own a single Nike product (that’s a whole other story in itself… but long story short DON’T BUY NIKE). She doesn’t understand that the money spent on a $250 pair of shoes could be spent on an experience, which in the grand scheme of things is much more valuable. She is being educated though. I own two cars… one that is 8 years old and another that is 15 years old. They are tools. I don’t need to look good to get where I need to go. I just need to get there. Again, I would rather use the money that would go toward a monthly car payment towards an experience. Since I went back to work on December 28th, I have not taken a single day off. I do have the ability to work from home, so on my off days I make sure I work for at least two hours. If I am at home and I am not doing anything, I work. I have the big picture in mind, and am totally focused on my goals.

These “sacrifices” I have made have positioned me to keep my keep my overhead low. If those things make other people happy, that is fine. I am not knocking that way of living at all. It just isn't right for me, and doesn't make me happy. While I may not have the best clothes, the biggest house, or the nicest car… my lifestyle enables me to pursue what I feel is most important and most valuable in life, which are experiences.

Going forward, I want to share my experiences with others. And when I mean share, I really mean share. If traveling is something you do not want to do, I still think it would be valuable to hear about my experiences. But if traveling is something you want to do, this my invitation for you to come with me. While I want to and do have plans to travel with my close friends and family, it logistically isn’t possible to travel with them at all times. I am willing to travel with others outside of that small circle. That means you. Yes YOU. I don’t care if you are a man or a woman, are a baby mother or baby father, are old or young (you have to be at least 21), are married or divorced, are gay/straight/transgender, or anything else. If you want to see the world, we already have something in common. I would seriously consider traveling with anyone. I am serious. So if you have an interest, I please ask you to reach out with me. Don’t be hesitant. I am willing to go pretty much anywhere in the world.  If you don’t have much money or are skeptical for any other reason, I want you to reach out to me anyway so we can figure out if there is a way to make it happen.

While it would be fun to travel with others, I have no problem traveling alone. As some of you already know, I have already taken my first trip. I went on this trip by myself. Here is that story…

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I just returned from Rome, Italy. I picked Rome first because I love history and culture. My whole life has been an existential crisis. I have always questioned my purpose and my reason for living. I have always questioned the origins of man, the origins of religion, and how things came to be. I wanted to pick a place that helped shape the culture and very fabric of the entire world. Experiencing Rome and visiting all of its historical sites would help me get an understanding of... life. 

I knew I was going to enjoy Rome, but this experience seriously exceeded my expectations. I am going try to tell this story with pictures.  Now when you view these pictures, please understand that the pictures do not do any of these sites justice. You have to see them with your own eyes to get the full feeling. 

Before my flight, I exchanged US currency for some Euros. I had never seen Euros before. The exchange rate wasn't horrible, but it is better if you do it in the country that you are going to rather than in your native country. I knew this going in, I just wanted to make sure I had money as soon as I stepped off of the plane. 

Pictured above is Beth. She is a nun at the Vatican. I sat next to her on my flight. I was a little nervous when I saw her sit next to me, because being a minority man you never know how you are going to be perceived. She was very nice to me though. She educated me on the subway system, things I needed to see, and the overall culture of the city. She was very helpful, and I am glad I was able to sit next to her. 

After landing at the airport, I had to take the train to the main Metro station in Rome. I sat next to this random girl who was knocked out. 

Above are pictures of the subway station. On my way to my hotel, I got stopped by the police on 3 separate occasions. They questioned what I was doing there and asked to see my passport. I guess they could tell I was a foreigner, or I looked suspicious because I had on an army jacket and was carrying around a big bag. It wasn't a big deal to me. I understood what it was, especially after what just happened in Brussels. 

The second I stepped out of the subway station into Rome, I literally said WOW. Going into this I knew Rome had a lot of treasures. What I quickly learned was that the whole city of Rome is a treasure. From the streets to the buildings to the monuments, everything was extremely beautiful and built to last. When I go to New York City I feel the vibrant energy of the city. With Rome I felt a different kind of energy. I felt stoic. I felt like I opened up a time capsule. I walked the ENTIRE city, and there were hardly any advertising or billboards. There are little to no commercial establishments, with the exception of a very small McDonald's that I saw. It seemed like it was important for Romans to keep their culture, history, and feel of the city intact. 

Every and I mean EVERY street and alley I walked down was BEAUTIFUL. There are no dead ends in Rome. I would be walking down a street and alley and think I would have to turn around, but at the end of an alley would be a small passageway that led to a huge square. There was no grid. Every street and every square was unique. It felt good just walking. I tried to capture these moments in photos which I called "cityscapes." Again, these pictures do not capture the beauty of the city. You have to see it for yourself. See below...

Look at the street itself... beautiful

There is the option to eat outside at pretty much every restaurant, no matter how big or small

Again, this is not a famous place. Even the "regular" stuff is beautiful. 

These are EVERYWHERE. I want one. 

Everyone walks in the street. I have no clue about the driving laws or restrictions. I would be walking for like 10 minutes and not see a car, and think this is a place where people just walk. Then all of a sudden a car would come down the street. 

Another "normal" not famous square. People would ask me to take pictures of them, so when they were finished I would ask them to take a picture of me. 

This is just a small sample of the beauty of the city. It got to the point where I would walk around a corner and say to myself... "Another beautiful view?" or "Another beautiful monument?" It was just unbelievable and seemingly never ending. I hope you kind of got the idea from this small sample size. 

Another thing that caught my eye were the churches. Every random church was extremely detailed and extremely beautiful. It just goes to show the emphasis and importance of religion. The doors were always open and you would just see random people praying in them. I went into a few. See below... 

Again... those are RANDOM non-famous churches. Crazy. 

Now as everyone knows, Rome has it's share of extremely famous monuments. I will take you through some of them below... 

 The Pantheon

  fountain outside of the the Pantheon

inside...

That is an actual hole in the roof. When it rains, the rain comes through the building. I am not sure of the historical significance of that. Of course my big head could cover the hole. See below.. 

on the side of the Pantheon (the guards always have their finger on the trigger ready for war)

The Pantheon was beautiful. You walk down this little alley and when you come out, all of a sudden there it is. When I saw it I literally said, "Oh shit!" I feel like the building had a personality and presence. It is almost 2000 years old. To put that in perspective, there is barely anything is the United States that is 200 years old. Throughout history it has been used as a church and many other things. Even today it is the biggest concrete dome in the world. 

Trevi Fountain

It was so big and there were so many people there that I couldn't get a picture of the whole thing. In a word, the thing is miraculous. 

Piazza Navona

the fountain at night below... 

This is Rome's most famous square. It has been featured in a lot of famous love movies. Again these pictures could not capture the essence of it, so I tried to capture it with a video. See below... 

Capitoline Hill

This is Rome's capital building. It is beautiful. The statues on the building are crazy. Again, no photo can do it justice. 

Leonardo da Vinci Museum

 This is a car

This is an odometer

Scuba suit

Da Vinci Square (if you look in the back, there is an advertisement for the Samsung Galaxy 7. The only advertisement I saw)

Da Vinci was a great mind, and I was happy to have the opportunity to go to his museum. 

Colosseum

Here is a video below... 

The Colosseum was so dope. It had its own vibe. It had its own feeling. When I was in the building I felt all of the history. To understand all that went on there over the years and to know that I was in that place was pretty surreal feeling. 

Now all of those places were great, but there is NO PLACE like the one I am about to talk about...  

The Vatican

This is the real reason I came to Rome. While the Colosseum and everything else was cool, this place was by far and away the main attraction for me. This place is unbelievable. I didn't even want to take pictures while I was here. There are certain places where you weren't even allowed to take pictures (more on that later). I just wanted to be in it and absorb everything. If you don't know about the Vatican, it is the home of the Pope, Roman Catholic Church, and it houses the most important art collection in the world. 

Everyone I spoke to told me to make sure I bought a ticket for the Roman Colosseum and the Vatican prior to going, because the lines were ridiculous. Well I am hard headed and I didn't. The line for the Colosseum took 20 minutes. Not bad. I thought the Vatican would be the same. Boy was I wrong! You cannot buy a ticket to the Vatican until 9am. I got there at 8am, and figured I would be one of the first in line. I ended up not getting in until 11:30. Despite the wait, it was still worth it. I would have waited 5 hours. people sleep outside of stores overnight for Yeezys' and I would have done the same to get into this place. 

The Vatican is a compound. There is a HUGE wall built around it. Here are some pictures of the outside and line...

This line went waaaaay around the block. When I left the museum, I took a video of that took me from the front of the line to the back of the line. It took me five minutes and eleven seconds to get from the front to the back of the line. Crazy. 

A guy playing the violin walking through the line. 

me and some Korean guy in the line. 

The line leading toward one entrance coming from both sides. Unbelievable. 

I was HAPPY when I got in!!

Ok now some more pictures... 

The ceilings were unbelievable. You could have taken all of the art out of the buildings, and the buildings themselves were still a treasure. 

I forgot who this was, but they had swag( I hate that word, but that is the only way it could be described)

Ceilings were CRAZY

I bet this guy never knew he would be in a selfie

 This was one of my favorite statues. Hercules

 That is a tomb and there is a body in there. 

Below are rugs. I couldn't position myself in a spot where I was able to take a picture of the entire rug. They were HUGE. It was interesting to see the scenes depicted on them. A sign of the times...

This was crazy... 

 I'm not sure who this baby is, but you could just tell he was the man. 

Now I have literally a thousand pictures of the Vatican, and I won't show you them all. There are countless treasures. The most important place in the Vatican though is unfortunately the only place that you cannot take pictures in. That is the Sistine Chapel. It is where the famous picture of "creation" is. For those who do not know what that is... here is a picture from the internet...

The Sistine Chapel might be the single most fascinating place that I have ever been in my life. It is like a maze to get in there. You have to walk up stairs, down stairs, through galleries, and through single person hallways. The build up is crazy. It reminds me of a level in Super Mario Brothers 2. Prior to going in, they tell you that you cannot talk and you cannot take pictures. 

Once I got in, I was amazed. Even though I am an atheist, I knew I was in the presence of greatness. Not in the presence of GOD, but in the presence of greatness. There were people crying, people praying, and people just staring in awe. This one guy had his selfie stick out, and a guard grabbed him and did like this WWF wrestling take down on him. I started dying laughing. 

I sat in there for about a half an hour. I didn't want to leave. And oh yea...

... I did sneak a picture :-P

The Vatican did not disappoint. I would have went to Rome just for that. A few more random pictures... 

St. Peters Square outside of the Vatican

Tiber River

 

St. Angelo's Castle

Seeing and experiencing all of those things made my trip worthwhile.That wasn't the best part of my trip though. The best part of my trip were the conversations I had with the people. I met so many people from around the world. It was great listening to everyone's story. I was inspired. It made me want MORE. Here are a few... 

My man was from the Senegal. He was a street vendor selling jewelry. Most people looked at him like he was invisible. I wanted to know his story. We spoke for about a half an hour. He told me about the lack of opportunity in his homeland, which is why he migrated to Rome. He told me it was hard to get a job,which is why he resorted to selling jewelry. I gave him 10 euro and told him to keep his jewelry because I respected his work ethic. He thanked me and stated that I was the first tourist that ever actually talked to him. He insisted I took a bracelet, which I did. 

These girls were dope! They from left to right are from France, Indonesia, and New Jersey of all places. They are all students at John Cabot University in Rome. We sat and talked for about an hour about world travel, the media, propaganda, and a bunch of other topics. Dope people, dope conversations. 

 This woman was from Scotland. This was eating in the cafeteria at the Vatican. She told me about her travels all over Europe, New Zealand, and around the world. She also spoke about her some who was a world traveler. She had such a vibrant personality. As you can see, she is pretending to hit me with a pear. Another very inspiring conversation.

This girl was from China. She was struggling get the right picture with her selfie stick. I offered to take her picture, and she was so happy. All she kept saying was "You are so nice!" She was very nice too. 

This woman was from India. She asked me to take a picture of her and her husband. She then asked to take a picture with just me? It was weird but her husband was cool with it, so I said ok! 

I shared an elevator with these two girls. I could tell they were talking about me because they were laughing and giggling. They are from a country I never even heard of, somewhere east of Russia. They asked to take a picture with me, so I accepted. They must have thought I was Chris Brown or something. I took one with my camera as well.

This girl was from Romania. She was so nice. She worked at a store that was like a Burlington Coat Factory. She was helping me shop. The clothes were crazy. Gucci, Versace, and everything else in between. I stayed in my lane and left everything on the shelf. 

My guy George from the hotel. He was cool, and very helpful. 

 This was tied for my favorite conversation of the trip. The girl in the middle is a student at Brown and the girl on the right is from the University of Rhode Island. We talked about politics, philosophy, racism, sexuality, and so much more for 2 hours. I really love people. These people made me happy. 

 These girls were in the room next to me at my hotel. They were from Norway. They were all about the turn-up. Whether it was noon, 2am, or 6pm, they were drunk. They were kissing each other after this picture. I declined their offer to "hang out." I am not about that life lol. 

 My man right here was from Bangladesh. He was selling selfie sticks. No matter which landmark you go to, you will see people selling selfie sticks. They are literally EVERYWHERE. I offered to give him two euros because I respected the fact that he was attempting to make an honest living. He would NOT take my money though! He had a lot of pride, and I respected him for that. Now below is his boy...

 He would have done ANYTHING for money! He was a savage! I told I would give him one euro to take a picture with me, and he was trying to negotiate to charge me more!!!! I couldn't help but laugh.

Here is me with two random guys in front of the capitol building. The guy in the middle was from L.A., also a student at John Cabot university. The guy on the right is... Terrence of course! I am glad I had the opportunity to see Terrence while I was in Italy. I am PROUD of Terrence, and happy that he is doing a fantastic job of representing Allentown in the Italian League. 

Tee had me DYING laughing the whole time. We went to a local bar, and within 10 minutes he had the whole and I mean the WHOLE bar gravitated towards him. We met these guys from L.A. who looked up Terrence on YouTube, and were hi-fiving him after watching his videos. I was sitting in the bar having a debate with a woman from Oregon who is now teaching abroad in Spain about the greatness of Kobe Bryant. See the pictures below... 

These guys were from L.A. They were hilarious!

 Everyone

 Love in the club

 We were having so much fun that we all decided to go dancing together! 

It was too dark and we were having too much fun to take pictures in the club. They were playing what I would describe as "Reggaeton from Spain." I didn't care. Everyone was having so much fun.

This was tied for my favorite conversation on the trip. This woman is a student from the University of Toronto. She looks just like my sister Cerise! She was attending a debate competition with her school in which she competed against all of the best schools around the world, including Harvard, Yale, etc. Her team won, and she was awarded best speaker! She has been to 44 countries, started two non profit organizations, and done so much more. She plans to work on Wall Street and become a CEO one day. We talked about pretty much everything. INSPIRING.

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So that pretty much was my trip to Rome. I had a fantastic time. Rome really exceeded my expectations. The only thing I really didn't talk about and didn't enjoy all that much was the food. It may be because of my taste buds or I just may be a picky eater... but I just wasn't fond of it. Oh well.

Now like I was saying... this is only the beginning. I already have trips booked to AMAZING places around the world that before I would only have DREAMED of going to. If you are one of the few people who know where I am going in the future, please keep it to yourself for now. I have other trips in mind for my friends and family, but I also have some time where I could take some trips with others. So if you are serious about going somewhere or just curious and want to talk about it, please get in touch with me. My inbox is open, and I am SO SERIOUS. I am willing to go pretty much anywhere in the world. Let's make it happen.

See you soon. Love, Kyle

It is 12:08pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table. I just finished eating an omelette with tomatoes, peppers and mushrooms.  It was so good.

So since the last time I made a blog post, I got my feeding tube taken out. Here is the video. Don’t only watch… but listen.

Even though my feeding tube was very uncomfortable and prevented me from sleeping well, it kept me alive. I am extremely thankful for it.

I know prior to right now, I have not updated this blog in about a month. To be honest, I am tired of talking about cancer. Every time I see someone in person that I have not seen in a while, the first part of our conversation has to be about how I am doing in reference to cancer. While I am extremely appreciative of peoples concern, reliving those memories is not fun for me.

I thought I was over the negative experience I had, but I am definitely not over it. The other day I saw a picture of myself after my last day of treatment. I don’t remember this picture being taken, and never even knew it existed.

When I looked at the picture, I had to immediately put the phone down. Not too many people will have the opportunity to know what they look like when they are dead while they are still alive. I unfortunately had that opportunity, and believe me it is not a pleasant experience. I looked at that picture for literally two seconds and was traumatized. I really looked dead. I looked like a skeleton. My eyes were barely open and my face was so… dead. Randomly throughout the day every day since, that image randomly flashes in my mind, and I get scared. I lie in bed and close my eyes and the picture pops up in my mind. How I felt that day was unexplainable. It was a stimulus that I would rather not encounter.

Same thing goes with my radiation mask. I was in the closet looking for something the other day and I saw my radiation mask, and that negative feeling again rushed through my body. I wanted to keep the mask because it is a symbol of a struggle that I was able to overcome, but I am not ready to reminisce on the whole cancer experience just yet.

I cannot explain the hell I went through. Cancer treatment and the recovery from the treatment is as close as you can get to hell on earth. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t sleep.  I could barely walk I was so weak. I remember trying to walk to the mailbox that is on the corner of my block, and I was so weak and tired that I would have to lie down afterward. I felt like a zombie because of all of the medication I was on. I threw up every single day. I was in so much pain. I took like 7-8 showers a day because that was the only thing that would temporarily take away my pain. I had to spit into a paper towel every 15 seconds because I could not swallow. The list goes on and on. I do not wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

Everything is different now though. The hard part is over. Even though it takes me a while, I can eat. I can drink. I drink nothing but water and green tea. I eat vegetables and fruit every day. If I eat meat it is chicken or fish. I take vitamin D, vitamin B, mushrooms, and garlic every day. I go to the gym 4 times a week. I feel stronger, and am starting to see some results in the amount of weight I can lift and how my body looks.

I do not take any medication at all anymore. My old friend Brendan Witkowski told me… “Let food be thy medicine.” That is what I am doing, and he was right. I cannot explain how good I feel.  When I say I feel good now, I feel so much better than when I said I felt good before. I have so much energy, and I attribute it to the food I am eating and what I am NOT eating.

With me getting better, I really wanted to stop posting on this blog. I am not going to stop posting though. The amount of people that told me that they have been inspired by this blog is truly humbling. I want to keep inspiring others, but I am going to try to do so in a different way. I have a creative idea that I would like to blog about from now on. I don’t want to talk too much about what I have in mind. I just want to do it. So from now on when I post on this blog, I am going to post about something different. Stay tuned for more ;-)

Well that is it for now. I am going to listen to my Apple Music and take a walk on this beautiful day. Love

-Kyle

It is 8:02 pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table. The kitchen is my favorite room in the home because that is where food is stored, prepared, and eaten. And when food is prepared, I can eat it now…

About two weeks ago I began drinking chicken broth. A day or two after that I started to eat pureed soup without issue. A few days after that, I successfully ate vegetable barley.

Things were really going well. I was trying to pace myself when getting back to eating, because I did not want to have a setback like I had before. My throat became sore after I drank chicken broth or even water for that matter. I became full pretty quickly even only after eating just a little bit of food. I only tried to eat one time per day. The rest of my nutrition continued to come from my feeding tube.

As the days passed, things kept getting better. Instead of eating one meal a day, I would eat two meals per day. One meal would be just a runny egg or two and the other would be something like soup… but they were meals. Periodically I would eat the squishy pureed baby food. The more I ate, the more my neck and throat muscles got used to it.  My appetite was also increasing. Things were rapidly improving.

Last Friday for breakfast I ate soggy cereal with blueberries and cut up bananas. For lunch I cut up some very small pieces of chicken and put them into vegetable barely soup, and ate it all without a problem. For dinner I made myself a salad that included very small pieces of chicken. That night or the next morning, my throat wasn’t really sore at all. I hadn’t used my feeding tube all day other than to take medication.  That was a big step.

All of the food I was eating was organic. The eggs, chicken, salad ingredients, milk for my cereal, and EVERYTHING else was entirely organic.  Since I had been putting just organic food in my feeding tube for quite a while and I felt like it was giving me energy, I figured I would only put organic food in my body when it was time for me to eat. I was eating stuff that I would have NEVER eaten prior to having cancer. I was eating squash, chick peas, millet, and a whole bunch of foods that I had never even heard of.

This past Sunday evening, I decided it was cheat day. We had just had a blizzard, and I was shoveling snow for the majority of the weekend. I wanted to treat myself. We ordered my favorite pizza, and I drove to the store in the snow to get my favorite pie. The pizza was authentic pan from one of my favorite restaurants. The pie was a cherry crumb pie. I LOVE cherry crumb pie.

When the pizza came, it smelled so good. When the pie was in the oven, it also smelled delicious. I was so happy. After all of this time and everything I had been through, I was finally going to indulge in a delicious meal without being in any pain.

When I took my first bite of the pizza, I was extremely surprised at what happened. I didn’t like it. I took another bite, but it tasted just as bad. I asked Abby if there was anything wrong with the pizza, and she advised me that it was ok. When I tasted the pizza, all I tasted were chemicals. It was disgusting to me.

After being disappointed with the pizza, I figured the cherry pie would make up for it. I was wrong. I took one bite, and all I could taste was sugar. I couldn’t even swallow it. I just threw it away. I couldn’t believe it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized what was going on. I went through radiation treatment. My taste buds were literally burned off and had regrown. They were brand new. All of the food I was eating was organic, so my taste buds were getting acclimated to real food without all of the chemicals in it. When I finally tasted food with chemicals in it, I could tell the difference right away. Even though I liked those tastes before, I hated them now. And that was alright.

Eating bad food is kind of like drinking beer. Most people who try beer for the first time do not like it. The more they drink it though, the more they begin to like it. The same thing goes with bad food. I don’t want to like bad food anymore, so I have made the conscious decision to no eat any of it any more.

So from now on it is no more eating pizza, and no more cherry pie. A lot of people have offered to cook me all of the old food that I used to like, but I have to respectfully decline. It is incredibly difficult to eat only healthy food. Not even because of the taste, because I like healthy food now. Squash tastes good. I was craving Spelt flakes this afternoon. Salads are delicious. Eating healthy is difficult because of convenience. It is so easy to eat badly. There are fast food restaurants everywhere.  Cooking takes time.

With all things considered, the risk is not worth the reward. I went through hell, and I don’t want to go back. I want to live. I have to remain disciplined. Preparation is key. I need to pre-plan what and when I am going to eat daily like I have to plan out the rest of my day. It is difficult, but I am fully committed. Educating myself on what is and isn’t healthy is important. Just because something says it is healthy doesn’t mean that it is. Also, just because something is organic doesn’t mean that it is healthy either. It is all in the ingredients.   

I am going to eat mostly fruits and vegetables. I am also going to eat fish and chicken, but not very much and not every meal. I am done eating red meat, pork, and most other meat. I am eliminating sugar and white flour because they feed tumors. I am really on it. I didn’t want to become “that guy,” but I have become that guy.

Anyway… that is enough preaching. I just wanted to give those who asked an update. Next step for me is getting this feeding tube removed from my stomach. That day will come soon. The gym has been going well. I am getting stronger, and have gained even more weight. My patience has paid off, and life is getting better. I have to and will keep going. I hope all is well with everyone. Love.

-Kyle

It is 8:12pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table.  A lot happened this week, and I just wanted to take some time and let it sink in before I reflected on it.

This past Monday morning I had a doctor’s appointment at which time I was going to get the results of my PET scan. The results of the PET scan would in turn give me the status of my cancer.

In the weeks prior to getting the scan, the potential results of the test really haunted me. I was scared, nervous, and pessimistic. I thought that since I had not healed at the rate that I expected to prior to receiving treatment that the cancer was going to continue to grow. I really did not want to do any more treatment. I told myself that if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t do anymore treatment. Treatment really sucks, and the recovery from treatment is even worse. I was lying to myself though. I love life, and I really want to continue living. I would do the treatment.

 I think it is funny when people tell me how brave I am for taking on cancer. I am not brave. David Bowie just died from cancer. Stuart Scott, Jim Valvano, and countless other people in this world died from cancer. Cancer scared the shit out of me. It’s not like I was walking down the street with my crew and all of a sudden a crew of illnesses/diseases challenged us to a fight… and my friends picked athlete’s foot, a cold, and a sore throat… while I picked cancer. Cancer chose me.  I did not want to fight cancer, but I had no choice.

In the days before the scan, my mood really changed. I really stopped caring. I was just tired. The anxiety and stress of the whole situation really wore me out. I just wanted to know the results one way or another, so I could start the next phase in my life.

On the day I was to get my results, I got to the cancer center at 8:15. My mom, my grandfather, and Abby met me there. Abby accompanied me to get my vitals and the news from the doctor, while my mom and grandfather waited in the lobby. When the medical assistant weighed me, I had gained 5 pounds in the last week. When she took my blood pressure, she said it was perfect. Everything else was where it was supposed to be. When I got into the patient room I sat on the patient chair, and was swinging my legs like a little boy. I felt good, and was confident that the results were going to be good.

My oncologist Dr. Nakajima is the person who ordered the PET scan, and he was going to be the one who would give me the results. Dr. Nakajima always walks around the office with this cart with wheels that holds his laptop, and the cart always makes a loud creaky noise when he rolls it around. While sitting in the room for a while, we heard the cart coming down the hall. He was headed to out room.

As soon as Dr. Nakajima walked in the room I noticed that he was smiling. I wasn’t sure if he was smiling because he is naturally goofy… or because he had some good news to tell me. Before he even closed the door, he told me he had good news for me. I looked at Abby and started smiling. He proceeded to tell me that my cancer was in remission. He then explained to me exactly what that meant while simultaneously answering some other questions that I had. He then examined me and had me schedule another appointment for another PET Scan in 3 months. I gave him a hug, and that was it.

I did not react how I thought I was going to react. When I received the good news, I followed it up with more questions rather than celebrating emphatically. Abby and I smiled at each other, and that was pretty much it. When I got to the lobby I hugged my mother and my grandfather. I explained to them what the Dr. told me, and then we all just left. Nothing too dramatic happened. Then I got to my car.

As soon as I closed my car door and realized I was alone, I broke down. I put my head on the steering wheel and just started crying. I first went to the doctor to complain about my ear pain on May 29, 2015. I was taking six Advil at a time every few hours every day for a few months before that in an attempt to hide my pain from everyone. I had 35 radiation treatments, 3 chemotherapy treatments, 6 emergency visits, and countless other appointments. I had a feeding tube in my stomach. I suffered from so much pain, and so many sleepless nights. I threw up so many times. I went through about 20-25 different types of medication. I suffered from dysphagia, pneumonia, dehydration, depression, suicidal thoughts, lymphedema, thrush, neuralgia, and countless other side effects. I lost 40 pounds. I still couldn’t eat or drink. Everything I had gone through was simultaneously playing in my mind, causing my emotions to get the best of me. Just like when I found out I had cancer, I was sitting alone in my car crying my eyes out.

I didn’t cry for long though. After having a literal outpouring of emotion it was time to move on with my life. I started my car, put on August Alsina’s new album, and started to drive. One side note… I want to give a big shout out to August Alsina. Both of his albums got me through some hard days and nights. He himself suffered from depression, and both of his albums talk about having hope, perseverance, and working through a variety of issues. Ok back on topic… as soon as I left the cancer center parking lot I randomly just started screaming. I mean really loud screaming. I will be fighting cancer for the rest of my life, but it felt good knowing that I won this round and I will be able to fight another day.

This cancer fight really broke me down. It broke me down physically and mentally. I feel like the entirety of this experience left me as a shell of myself, with just my core as a person remaining. And that is ok. Initially I told myself that when I beat cancer and was able to eat I was going to indulge in any and every type of food. After really thinking about it, my mindset changed. I lost 40 pounds during this process. I feel like all of the weight that I lost was bad weight. I feel like this process removed everything bad that was in my body. I would be a fool to fill it back with bad stuff. I decided to look at these circumstances as an opportunity. From now on I am going to eat healthy. Abby read a book entitled “Anti-cancer: A New Way of Life,” which talks about living a healthy lifestyle that will prevent an individual’s likelihood of developing cancer. In the book it talks about how the diet in the western world is literally a recipe for cancer, and how a lot of the foods in the United States are banned in other countries. I’m not going to use this time to talk about how I feel like the FDA, pharmaceutical companies, and our government wants the average individual to get sick… but learning about preservatives, pesticides, genetically modified organisms, and what is considered “food” in this country is really enlightening and sad at the same time. With that being said, I am going to build my body up the right way. Right now everything I put in my tube is organic. When I am able to eat it will be just the same. While organic food is more expensive, the price to pay for eating this stuff that is called “food” is much greater. Now there will be times when I eat Oreo cookies and cheesesteaks because I know I am going to die no matter what, but it won’t be nearly as much as before.

So that is where I am at right now. I have a new mindset, rebooted body, and a second chance at life. I have been consistently going to the gym. I have gained 7 pounds and already feel stronger. My body feels good now that I am filling it with the proper nutrients. I can drink liquids now. I ate pureed organic soup the other day, and am slowing trying to incorporate other soft foods into my diet. I am making drastic changes in all aspects of my life that will hopefully keep me happy and healthy for a long time, while simultaneously attempting to get the most out of every moment because I understand that any day can be my last. I encourage you all to do the same. 

It is 8:29 PM. I am sitting at the kitchen table. I just got back from the gym a little while ago. While I am nowhere near what I used to be, I am taking baby steps and moving in the right direction. One thing this whole process has taught me is to be patient.  There are going to times in life when there are days, weeks, months, and years where you see no progress when attempting to achieve a goal… but if you keep doing the right things all of a sudden you will have a breakthrough. That doesn’t just apply to recovering from cancer, but to all aspects of life. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I am still not eating or drinking, but I am not complaining. I have lymphedema, which is swelling in my neck from excess fluid. My lymph nodes and muscles in my neck are damaged from the radiation and are unable to get rid of the fluid that is usually dispersed throughout my body. This excess fluid is pressing on a nerve in my head causing me to have constant nerve pain, or “neuralgia.” It sucks. I take medication for it but it doesn’t work. I can manage the pain for the most part, with the exception of sleeping. If I am sleeping and I turn my head to the side where I had my treatment that is where the fluid goes… causing more pressure on my nerve and causing me to wake up in pain. I wake up a few times a night, every night. I do these massages to help me with it, but the pain is still there. My doctors tell me it will take time to heal… so again I just have to be patient.

This Friday January 8^th I have my PET scan. The PET scan is what will show if there is cancer still in me and if the treatment worked.  I am not going to lie… I am nervous. Very nervous. I have been in many pressure packed situations in my life whether it be in sports or otherwise, but nothing and I mean nothing compares to this. I try to keep myself busy, but it is all I think about. I really, really want the cancer to be gone. I don’t want to go through any more treatment. I have gone through so much and am still going through it. I still cannot eat or drink! I have had so much pain, battled depression, and contemplated ending my own life. If I still have the cancer I will do whatever I have to do to stay alive, but I just want to be done with everything and move on. I don’t want to talk too much about this scan or the cancer though. But if you are reading this I ask that you say a prayer to GOD, Allah, the sun, and whoever or whatever else you believe in for me. I believe that no matter whatever our beliefs are that our thoughts have an impact on the universe. Hopefully the energy of everyone will make things move in the right direction for me. Thank you.

Other than that, I have been trying to live as much as possible. I went to the Kevin Hart show the other day. I laughed, even though laughing hurts because I still have this tube in my stomach and my throat is still sore.  I try to go to Allen basketball games when I can. Those boys Talek and Tyrese put on a show every time they play. I even had a New Year’s Eve party. It wasn’t that kind of party though. It was a kid’s party. Here are some of the highlights… 

This was them under control...

This was them most of the night... 

A picture of me and them. Yes I have on a Snuggie. I wear it all of the time and I love it. 

This how they entertained me and themselves... 

I am not sure how or why Kayvon aka Cheese isn't famous yet for dancing... but he needs to be. 

Anyway, that has been my life for the past few weeks. My last post was really negative and depressing. Since then I have really been trying to stay positive, optimistic, and been trying to keep my thoughts occupied... even though January 8th constantly runs through my mind. Hopefully the next time I write on this blog I will be doing some type of drinking or eating... and will have good news in reference to my scan. I hope everyone is doing well. Talk to you soon. 

-Kyle

12:03 am... kitchen table. I can't sleep so I figured I would write a poem. 

The sun still rises,

and the sky remains blue,

but the world just isn’t the same,

if I exist without you;

All of our deep conversations,

and great times we shared,

makes me really wonder,

why you are no longer here;

Since you’ve been gone,

physically I am not the same,

my mind isn’t as sharp,

and I don’t feel like my name;

I have spent many nights,

with tears in my eyes,

pain in my heart,

and with death on my mind;

Despite leaving me so fast,

which was much to my dismay,

you actually did me a favor,

with what you took away;

Cancer wanted to kill me,

a fact of which you knew,

so when you decided to leave me,

You took cancer with you too;

I have been through the darkness,

walked through the rain,

got lost during the process,

and almost succumbed to the pain;

While cancer took a lot from me,

I am still myself at my core,

and while the old me is gone,

I WILL become better than before.

...

Yes I like to write poetry too. It really helps with my depression. Even though things aren't great right now, they aren't horrible and as bad as they have been. While I still deal with daily bouts of depression and continuous pain from my treatment, I am trying to stay mentally sharp and positive. I want to try to go to the gym tomorrow, but I literally have insomnia and do not sleep. I have tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to get on some type of sleep schedule, but it just is not happening.

Weighing 150 pounds really sucks though. That is kind of what I was getting at in my poem. There were so many things that were tied to my identity that cancer took away from me. I lost 40 pounds, I was no longer the athlete, and mentally I could no longer function how I was accustomed to because I was so overly medicated. I did not feel like myself, and I felt like a part of me was gone forever.

I went to a birthday party the other night and had a really good time. I was dancing with my daughter, chilling with my son, and just hanging out with people I consider my family.It was honestly one of the first times that I did not have to pretend that I was happy. Every time I look happy, it is because I am faking it.  I have to stay strong and positive for my family.  I am trying to be myself again. It is hard though. Doing the most normal stuff gets me tired. I had to go to the car a few times to tube feed myself during the party. Here are some pictures of the party...

 Me and the birthday girl

Family

Here is a video of me preparing for the party. I have to keep living... lol

I went to the South Mall in Allentown the other day, and I had to sit down three times while walking because I was so tired. I am still doing 100 percent of eating and drinking through my feeding tube. I try to fill it with nutrients that will give me energy, but there is no real substitute for real food. But I am getting there. My pneumonia is gone but now I have thrush, which is a side effect of taking antibiotics. It is always something. I am not going to dwell on it though. My throat seems to be getting a little better, even though swallowing still causes pain. If you ever see me with a paper towel in my mouth, it is because I don't want to swallow and the paper towel is catching my drool.

Anyway... I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. Even though I am not a Christian I do participate in gift giving. With my cancer preventing me from working for such a long time, the presents will not be as abundant as they have been as in years past. My family is all understanding though. And if anyone says they weren't abundant before, I have video evidence to prove it. This was just Maecee's Christmas a few years ago...

Well that is all I have for now. It is 1:21am. I am going to try and get some sleep, but we will see what happens. I love everyone. Seriously. Have a good day. 

-Kyle

It is 5:30pm. I am sitting at my kitchen table. It has been a little over a month since I have updated this blog. As I have said before, when your life sucks it is pretty difficult to sit down and talk about it. Since I still have people inquiring on my status, I figured I would sit down and write something.

About 3 weeks ago I ate eggs. I thought I was on top of the world. I sat and figured out that if I took enough Advil, drank enough water and chewed very thoroughly… I could eat pretty much anything.

 I told myself that as soon as I could eat I was going to Las Vegas to the Bacchanel Buffet, which is the biggest buffet in North America. So after that morning I ate eggs and realized I could eat, I booked a flight and went to Las Vegas by myself. Yes, I really did.

My plan was to stay in Vegas for three nights, two days. I stayed at the Flamingo, which was right in the middle of the strip. I was going to walk right one day and left the other day. I was going to just chill, people watch, sight see, and EAT. I am an only child so I am used to doing things by myself, so going to Vegas along was no big deal.

I got into Vegas late on a Tuesday. I went and got some Boosts at Walgreens and just chilled in my room. I never realized how BIG everything in Vegas is. Everything is really big. When I walked in the hallways of my hotel to my room all I heard were hairdryers from the other rooms. People were just getting ready to go out at 12:45am? I knew at that moment I was getting old.

The next morning I went to the brunch buffet at the Flamingo at like 8am. I thought I was going to be eating by myself because it was so early, but to my surprise the buffet was packed. I got an omelette, salmon, pizza, mashed potatoes, and some other stuff. I was eating really slow, chewing everything, grimacing while swallowing, and chasing every bite with water. But I was eating, and I could taste! The food tasted SOOO good. Eating was so enlightening. When I was eating I felt like how I felt when I graduated from college, the first time I had sex, and when my children were born. I almost cried.

This old couple sitting next to me was watching me eat. After watching me for a while, the woman said to me… “Do you have a sore throat?” I went on to tell her about my cancer, and how this was pretty much the first time I had eaten. We went on to have a good and lengthy conversation. Since I was next to them we were practically eating together. She and her husband were from Florida. He was in a motorized wheelchair. She talked about his health challenges, her health challenges, and I talked about mine. She was nearly 80 years old. She told me that she was happy that I came to Vegas, even though I was by myself. She told me that she wishes she did more in her life at an earlier age, especially now that she and her husband are limited due to their health. I hung onto her words. You never know where and when you are going to get a dose of enlightening wisdom.

After I ate, I had to go back to my room and rest. This disease changed me, and it is most evident in my energy levels. I never realized how good of shape I was in. Now I cannot walk for 5 minutes without getting tired.

After resting in my room, I walked to the right of my hotel on the strip. I went to the Venetian, Treasure Island, and Caesars. Every so often I just had to sit. I was tired. I people watched, explored the shops restaurants, and scenery at the hotels, and just enjoyed some fresh air.

When I got back to my hotel I just laid down. I was tired, even though I didn’t do much and wasn’t gone for too long. I don’t think anyone who has ever been to Vegas spent as much time in their room as me. I didn’t care though. I wasn’t at home. Home was depressing. Home was my dungeon. Home symbolized pain and sickness, and I didn’t want to be there.  I took at least 7 showers each day I was in Vegas. I watched Sportscenter all day. I was just chilling.

That night I walked across the street to the Bacchanal Buffet in Casers Palace. It cost 57 dollars to get in, but I did not care. I was ready. I got there round 5pm. It was relatively empty. The first thing I realized was how huge it was in there. It was like a warehouse or something. You could get lost in the buffet. I ended up staying there for over 2 hours. I ate prime rib, lamb chops, bbq ribs, crab legs, pizza, lobster ravioli, rice, mashed potatoes, sushi, along with a bunch of other stuff. I wasn’t eating big portions. I was just sampling. It was a challenge getting everything down, but I did it. When I left, I noticed a huge roped off line. I wasn’t sure what it was for, and then I realized it was for the buffet. It was worth the money.

That night I just chilled and watched basketball on ESPN. The next morning I went to the same breakfast buffet, and at night I went to the Paris buffet in Ballys. It was good too, but not as good as the one oat Caesers. And that was my trip to Vegas!

That was my first and probably last time in Las Vegas. One thing I already knew about myself but really realized is that I am not a partier. I had no desire to go to a club and be social. Vegas was too much for me in that aspect. I was happy to be going home.

When I got home I started having problems. I tried to eat, but it wasn’t happening. My throat was in too much pain. I was getting really bad headaches. My neck was swollen. I didn’t know what to do. I slept on it, and decided to call my palliative care doctor in the morning. Even though it was a Saturday my doctor called me back, and told me to start taking methadone again for the pain. He also scheduled me for a Monday appointment.

That weekend sucked. I was in pain, couldn’t eat, and threw up the whole time. When I went to my appointment, I told my doctor how I ate when I was in Las Vegas. He just put his head down. He told me that I had to ease into things, and not just go all out. He prescribed me some other medicine and sent me on my way.

None of the medicine was working. That whole week I threw up, couldn’t sleep, and was in pain. I called Dr. Baxter every day, and each day he told me to try something new that didn’t work. That Monday he had me go get a CT scan. The results of the scan revealed that food was pushed into my lugs, causing me to have pneumonia and to develop dysphagia (look it up). I got more medication, more pain meds, and was sent home.

So for the last two weeks, I have been battling this pneumonia. I have a constant headache coupled with a constant sore throat. I don’t swallow. All nutrition is done through my tube. It is back to the drawing board…

During this time, a friend of mine died an untimely death. You really never know what someone is going through. You never know. Be nice to people. You can really change someones life. I am not going to lie, this process has definitely had me contemplate suicide. The emotions that you go through are inexpiable. Everyone is going to die anyway. Why live in so much pain and without hope? I don't knock suicide at all. I honestly condone it in certain situations. If someone is in real pain and has exhausted all of their options in an attempt to get better, I understand wanting to take your own life. Rest in Peace. I would love some rest and peace. What has kept me going is my responsibility as a parent to take care of someone else until they are an adult. 

I am beyond frustrated. I can’t even say that I am mad. You have to have energy to be mad, and I don’t have any of that. I don’t know what is next. I have jumped through every hoop that my doctors have told me to. I have taken every medication, gone to every appointment, EVERYTHING. I am tired. I just want to be normal so bad. I get emotional at random times because I just want to be normal. I don’t want anything extra. I just want to be myself. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. I’m not even sure where my path is taking me at this point. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pray for me.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. I will update this when something changes. Hopefully it will be good news.

-Kyle

It is 5:41pm. I am home alone sitting at the kitchen table listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I haven’t been utilizing music enough. Good music makes me feel good. It takes me back to the time, place, and things that were going on when the music came out. This album came out in 1998, which was a good year. Shouts out to my dear friend Dorothy.

Anyway…  I know I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Life has really sucked that’s why. Who wants to hear a horror story anyway? Every day I still get text messages and Facebook messages from people asking me to write something, so apparently a few people do. Ok... but be careful what you wish for.

A few days ago I started my day like any other. I took all of my medication. I fed myself Jevity(Yes still). I have also starting mixing baby food with water and putting it in my tube, so I did that. I am now working from home (Thanks Dom), so I got my laptop and little work station ready so I could start my day.

As I sat down, something did not feel right. Now I am on all kinds of medication and constantly mixing new foods, so there is never really a time where my body “feels right.” But this was different. This was pain. All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I had to take a shit.

So I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. The pain was excruciating. Nothing was coming out. I mean there was absolutely no movement at all. After sitting for a while, I realized that I was constipated.

I have been constipated before during this process. It was a few months ago. It was one of the worst days of my life. Since then I have been taking MiroLAX and Ducolax to soften my stool and prevent that horrific day from happening again. But I had gotten comfortable. I was tired of taking medication. I was trying to decrease my medication intake, and since I hadn’t been constipated in a while I decided to stop taking the MiroLAX and Ducolax. What a big mistake.

I am now in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, knowing that I am constipated. Even though I knew I was going to be unsuccessful, I tried to push and see if anything would move or come out. Nothing. Now I had my phone with me, so I started googling constipation remedies. One of the articles I read said to try walking around. By this time I was naked. I was home alone, so I started walking from the bathroom to the kitchen to the livingroom and back again. Nothing. The pain just kept getting worse and worse. Every so often I would sit back on the toilet, but there was absolutely no movement. Picture me in my kitchen with my feeding tube taped to my chest butt naked doing squats, lunges, jumping jacks, and all kinds of stretches trying to loosen myself up. Nothing was working. At this point I knew what I had to do.

***Warning… Graphic Content Ahead***

Once it got to this point, drastic times caused for drastic measures. I went into the kitchen and got a roll of paper towels. I then went into the bathroom and closed the door. Now picture me butt naked standing in my bathroom in the most horrible pain in the world. I turned on the shower just to have some background noise. I then turned the sink water on, got my hand wet, and wet my anus. I then put my leg on the tub, and stuck my pinky finger up my anus. Pain. I could feel the shit. It was as hard as a rock. Well maybe not exactly as hard as a rock, but at least as hard as some recently dried up mud.

So for the next few minutes I try to break up as much of the shit as possible. I am in all kinds of pain, but I know I have to do what I have to do. After I feel like I broke up enough, I sat back on the toilet and tried to go again. Nothing. I then got up and put my pointer finger in my anus, followed by my middle finger. I broke up as much shit as I could, and tried to go again. Nothing. At this point instead of breaking up the shit, I figured I would try to pull it out with my hands. So little by little, I start to pull out very tiny pieces of shit. By now I am bleeding, crying, and just a mess. Remember I still have them phlegm in my mouth, so I am simultaneously spitting while all of this is going on.

I spent about 30 minutes doing this, but I still couldn't go. I am still in excruciating pain. I needed an enema. I wanted to call Abby to have her get me one, but I knew she was probably with a student or in a meeting, and wouldn’t be able to come home. The campus she was working at was too far from home anyway. I needed the enema ASAP. At this point I got in the shower, and tightened my anus the entire time. I tried to stay as still as possible in hopes of my stomach settling. When I realized my stomach wasn’t going to get any better, I got out of the shower, got dressed, and went to the CVS down the street from my house.

I got the enema. The lady at CVS looked at me like I was crazy. She was trying to talk to me, but I motioned to her that I couldn’t talk. She then saw that I was getting an enema and an enema only, and that I was sweating. I also had on no socks and a zip up hoodie with no shirt underneath. I didn't give a DAMB. After she put everything together, she let me be on my way.

When I got back to the house I took off all of my clothes, went to the bathroom, and put in the enema. If you don't know the enema process... you have to lay on your stomach, stick a bottle in your anus, and squirt this solution into your body that is supposed to soften your stool and make you have to go. After I put in the enema, I laid face down right outside of the bathroom door. After a few minutes, I felt myself really having to go. I laid there until I couldn’t hold it anymore. I had to go really bad. So I jumped up and sat on the toilet.

All that was coming out was the liquid from the enema. My shit still had not broken up. The bad part of all of this was that the enema was forcing me to try to go. So now I am constipated, I have a huge piece of shit in my stomach, and my body is trying to force it out of me. NIGHTMARE.

At this point all I could do was continue to try to pull the shit out of my anus. I spent the next 30 minutes taking turns pulling shit out of my anus and trying to go. This was HELL. I would sit on the toilet and literally push as hard as I possibly could like I was pregnant. It was the worst feeling ever. After a while I started to be able to go, but there was still that big piece that was causing all of the pain that wouldn’t come out. I kept doing the same thing, kept getting closer and closer, but it still wouldn’t come out. 

While I was doing this, I felt like I had lost my mind. I was in another world. I had literally gone crazy. I felt like I was a prehistoric barbarian who pulled their tooth out without medicine. I felt like a character in the movie “SAW” that would have to do some barbaric task in order to save their life. 

In my mind I got to the point where I said this is going to come out. I was sweating like crazy, butt naked, screaming at the top of my lungs, snot and spit coming out of my nose and mouth, and pushing my body as hard as I possibly could. Eventually I broke through. Literally. I got out the piece that was blocking everything. Even though I was bleeding and in pain, it was such a relief. I sat on the toilet and made sure I got everything out.

The bathroom was such a mess. I took a shower before I cleaned up. After I cleaned up, I took another shower. While in the shower I just sat on the stool and cried. I was tired of all of these side effects. I was just tired. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Does anyone else have to go through the things I go through? I don’t know… I was just so frustrated.

After I got out of the shower, I just laid down. I had no energy. My anus was turned inside out and was ripped. From start to finish, the entire process took 5 hours. FIVE hours... 9am until 2pm. Crazy.

I cannot tell you how much this entire experience(not just the one i spoke of today) has made me value my health. I seriously give no DAMBS about money, material things, or anything else. I just want to be a healthy and normal individual. My health is priceless. Being normal is priceless. Your body is your temple. Take care of it! A lot of us have gotten away with being reckless for far too long. It will catch up to us. Be proactive and take care of yourself! 

I am done writing for now. I would tell the story of me throwing up on my doctor this morning (Yes this morning 11/9/15), but I guess I save that for another time. You all have a safe and healthy day. 

-Kyle

It is 10:53am. I am sitting at the kitchen table. I know I haven’t updated the blog in a while. To put things mildly, this has been a rough couple weeks for me.

While I was going through my cancer treatment, the doctors would always bring in prior cancer patients that they had worked with who all went through and survived the treatment that I was going through. They were there to give hope, provide insight, and answer any questions that I had. I remember speaking to this one gentleman in particular, and he told me that the hardest part of this process was when the treatment was over. He told me for him it was a nightmare. He told me that he was finished with his treatment, he was supposed to be getting better, but he just was not getting better. I thought to myself, “That was really the hardest part?” I am not sure why I doubted that man, because boy he was right.

After the conclusion of my treatment I just sat around and didn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. I could not eat, drink, or talk. As I mentioned earlier, the phlegm in my mouth was unbelievably unbearable. I was constantly drooling and constantly spitting up mucus. I was using 2-3 rolls of paper towels per day to wipe my drool and to spit into. Just think about how many squares are in each roll of paper towels. To go through 2-3 a day was ridiculous. I was literally wiping drool and spitting every 10 seconds for 24 hours a day. And when I say 24 hours, I mean 24 hours. I could not sleep. For one I have this feeding tube in my stomach, which prevents me from sleeping on my stomach. I couldn’t sleep on my back because I would choke on the phlegm that built up in my mouth. So the only thing I could do was try to sleep on my side. So picture me on my side every night literally drooling and spitting into a paper towels while simultaneously trying to sleep. It is horrible. I also found out the hard way that lying on your side for long periods of time really hurts your hips. I mean it really makes them sore. What I did to try to prevent this pain was roll up one of those soft blankets and wrap it around my hips to help ease the pain. It did not work.

Prior to the other day, I left the house like 3 times in the last 3 weeks… all for doctor’s appointments. I was really, really depressed. I am a naturally depressed person anyway since I am prescribed to the depressive realism school of thought (hi Melissa), but the totality of my situation just made things worse. I understood that this was going to be a process. I understood that it was going to take lots of time to get better. That doesn’t mean I had to be happy, or positive, or jovial while going through it. Going through it flat out sucked. There were days upon days where I just sat in the kitchen with my head on the table with my bucket on the floor so I can spit and drool in it. In the middle of the night I would just quit trying to sleep and go sit on the toilet for hours with a spit cup and a roll of paper towels. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt, like, days, etc. etc. Horrible.

Social media and support from others was getting annoying. Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I truly appreciate everyone who sent me a message or has a genuine concern for me. I really do. I love every one of you who reached out to me. With that being said, I cannot tell you how annoying it is to read and answer the exact same message over and over literally hundreds of times. I can’t tell you how many times I got the message…

“Hey Kyle, just checking in on you. How is the treatment going? It is over right? You getting any better? How are you feeling? I love you, get back to me soon.”

Like I said, I really, really appreciate that message and that concern. I know it is because you care. But when I am feeling like shit, I don’t want to be reminded that I feel like shit, and I don’t want to have to respond by stating that I am feeling like shit. I was tired of talking about cancer. I didn’t want to talk at all. So if you sent me that message and I did not respond… don’t take it personal. I just read it sooooo many times and I was just tired of it.

So after a week of treatment, I had gotten no better. Two weeks after treatment, same thing. Three weeks after treatment, still no significant improvement. If I coughed up enough phlegm, made myself spit, and wiped away some drool… there was a two second window where I could take a very small sip (not even half of a gulp) of water. After the water went down, it would burn my throat and my ears very bad. That was my level of improvement after three weeks. I saw Dr. Nakajima last week and he told me that I am going to turn a corner, and start to come around. When I asked him when, he responded by saying… “Soon.” Let me just say I hate the word soon. If you are coming to my house, tell me what time you are going to be there. Don’t say “soon.” If I am meeting someone somewhere, going to eat, or doing anything else, I need to specifically know when. The word “soon” might as well mean “anytime” or “I don’t know.” I took it for what it was though.

This past weekend I told myself that it was time to kick my depression and try to be more optimistic. Maecee came over and hung out with me. Abby took me for a drive in the country. Even before I was sick we always went for drives in the country. We would drive around for hours… looking at the scenery, old houses, and just enjoy being outside. And the whole time we would be in the car we wouldn’t say a word to each other. I guess it didn’t matter that I could not talk this time.

I noticed this weekend that the phlegm in my mouth started to thin, and it wasn’t as much as before. I could take sips of water for longer periods of time (Like for two seconds instead of one). I was sloooooooowly improving. Even though it hurt I tried to talk, and you can almost understand what I was saying. I was finally turning the corner.

Monday and Tuesday, the phlegm was less and less. It was like there was no improvement for three weeks straight… then all of a sudden for three days straight I saw significant improvements. Same thing goes for my speaking. I could actually be understood (even though I sound crazy), and could have a short conversation. Same goes with the drinking. After a small prep, I could take like three to four gulps of water.

So that is it. I feel like I am turning a corner. Finally! I have a whole bunch of baby food that I bought that I am going to try to start eating on Thursday. Believe me, even though I cannot taste it, I am TIRED of Jevity. I am tired of smelling it. While I appreciate it for keeping me alive, it is time to move on from it! I feel like this is it. I feel like I am close to making some real progress towards normalcy. Once I start eating and have the ability to maintain my weight by mouth, I can have this feeding tube taken out of my stomach. Once I get this tube out I can get some sleep and get back in the gym. If you really knew me before this, you know how important the gym is to me. I wasn’t like a bodybuilder or anything, but I really love going to the gym. It gets my mind right and keeps my body right. I went to the gym 5 days a week every week. It is just something that I loved to do. I cannot wait to get back to that! I cannot wait to build my body back up, and to compete in sports that I love again.

Anyway… that is all for now. If you made it up to this point, thank you. I will update you on my progress soon.

Love,

Kyle

It is 3:18 PM. I am sitting at the kitchen table. A lot of people have been asking me when I am going to update the blog, and why has it been so long, etc. etc. Quite honestly, I don’t really feel like updating the blog. I’m tired. I am tired of having cancer, talking about cancer, and everything else cancer related. Sometimes I don’t think people really understand what I am going through over here. I understand how my blog may be like a little reality show to some. They can tune in for a little, read a few words, see a few pictures, watch a couple videos, then log out and go about their regular day. Not for me though. This is my life. I have cancer and have to go through all of the struggles of cancer for 24 hours a day, every day.


With that being said, it was my idea to start the blog so I will keep it going. As of today I am completely finished with my cancer treatment. I have done all 35 radiation treatments as well as all 3 chemotherapy treatments. I can no longer talk. I can no longer eat or drink through my mouth. I cannot sleep, even though I am always so tired. It is because I have an abundance of phlegm in my mouth. I spit literally 24 hours a day. When I sleep, the phlegm builds up in my mouth to the point where the airway in my throat gets blocked, causing me to choke. So every night while I am “sleeping” for a few minutes, my airway eventually gets blocked with phlegm and I eventually wake up choking. It sucks.


After my last chemotherapy session I had to go the emergency room that following Friday night. I felt like death. Literally felt like nothing. I really didn’t give a fuck. Rest in peace sounded so good. Turns out my while blood cell count was low and I was dehydrated. After 5 hours of doing what they had to do, the doctors got my levels to where they needed to be and I was able to go home. On this past Sunday night I had to go back to the ER because I had a fever of 102. After more bloodwork, more tests, more this, more that, and another 6 hours, I was able to go home. I really hate cancer and this whole process.


I feel like I have now gone through the post chemotherapy wall. After I received my last radiation treatment, my doctor said that right now is as worst as I am going to feel. And quite honestly, I feel weak and like shit. My doctor said it is all recovery and should be all uphill from here on out. I hope so. My mouth, gums, and tongue, feel like I have been tattooed on the inside. It just hurts so damn bad. There is nothing I can do for it but wait. The only way I communicate with people is through this text to speech application that I have on my phone. It speaks whatever I type. I still throw up every day. Eating through my tube only is getting really, really old. I am tired of them damn Jevity cans. I have no other choice though. It is either get nutrition that way or get no nutrition at all. Just think back to a few weeks ago when I said I was upset that I did not have the ability to taste. I had no idea it could get worse than that… but not having the ability to eat at all proved me wrong.


So for now, I just have to be patient. My abilities should begin to come back and I should be back to relative normalcy… at some point. My doctor said it could be weeks, or it could be months. I just have to keep doing what I have to do. This just sucks. Just remember when your Hoops for Hope t-shirt is in the laundry and you have logged off of my blog, your boy is still over here really going through it.
…


Throughout this process I always wondered why I was chosen for this. If you know me as a person, you know I never took anything for granted and you know I appreciate every little thing that has ever been done for me. Was it because I had the ability to tell the story? Man… forget this story! This is a story that shouldn’t have to be told. This story really sucks. Was it because I’m resilient, strong, blah, blah, blah. How about we just skip all of that and let me continue to be healthy? Was it because of some greater purpose other than myself? Would I die of cancer, leading my daughter to cure it? To be honest, I would not want to be a martyr. If someone asked me if I was willing to die of cancer knowing that it would be my daughter who would cure cancer for all of humanity, I would say absolutely not. My daughter only has one father, and that is me. If she would cure cancer, she still wouldn’t have me. She needs me. Even if she would cure cancer, there would be some new disease that will eventually evolve and attempt to wipe out humanity. So I continued to ask myself, why me?


After my last radiation treatment, it finally came to me. As my silent partner and I walked out of the cancer center for what was my last treatment and hopefully the final time, I looked over at her and she completely burst into tears. Why is this so significant? This woman has NEVER showed any emotion throughout this entire process. And when I say no emotion, I mean NO EMOTION. She was so solid. She never made a sad face, negative remark, or had frustrated body language. Everything was positive. Everything was resolution focused. I guess that moment signified the end, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Everything she must have been holding in trying to be strong for me came pouring out the second that the treatment was over.


When I looked over and saw her crying, I completely lost it. I finally had a chance to be the man and console her after she held me down for all of this time, but I really messed up the moment. I have been such an emotional wreck during this entire process. I wanted to give her a hug, have her lay her head on my chest, and tell her everything was going to be ok. But instead I of course I started crying my eyes out… which led to snot coming out of my nose… which led to me coughing and eventually throwing up all over myself.  What a shame. So she immediately went from crying and showing emotion to taking care of me again.


That moment made everything clear to me. Sure this story can be about resiliency, toughness, fight, bringing a community together, among many other things. To me though… this is a love story. That woman showed me what true and unequivocal unconditional love is. While I am sure other people may have had the ability to do what she did for me and others… she is the one that did it. She saved my life. She was with me every step of the way. I never had someone sacrifice so much for me. That is love. I found my angel. I am so grateful for you Abby, and I plan on sharing the rest of my life with you. You never have to worry about anything when it comes to me. I will never look at another woman, talk to another woman, or take interest in another woman. You have earned a special and sacred place in my heart, and it will never be able to be accessed by anyone else. You are my best friend, my confidant, and my everything. I mean I cared about you before cancer, but this experience really put us and you in a different place. I am just so thankful you. You are my partner for life. Thank you.


Everyone else… thank you for tuning into this little reality show. I will update this again with my positive progression, I promise.




-Kyle