It is 8:12pm. I am sitting at the kitchen table.  A lot happened this week, and I just wanted to take some time and let it sink in before I reflected on it.

This past Monday morning I had a doctor’s appointment at which time I was going to get the results of my PET scan. The results of the PET scan would in turn give me the status of my cancer.

In the weeks prior to getting the scan, the potential results of the test really haunted me. I was scared, nervous, and pessimistic. I thought that since I had not healed at the rate that I expected to prior to receiving treatment that the cancer was going to continue to grow. I really did not want to do any more treatment. I told myself that if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t do anymore treatment. Treatment really sucks, and the recovery from treatment is even worse. I was lying to myself though. I love life, and I really want to continue living. I would do the treatment.

 I think it is funny when people tell me how brave I am for taking on cancer. I am not brave. David Bowie just died from cancer. Stuart Scott, Jim Valvano, and countless other people in this world died from cancer. Cancer scared the shit out of me. It’s not like I was walking down the street with my crew and all of a sudden a crew of illnesses/diseases challenged us to a fight… and my friends picked athlete’s foot, a cold, and a sore throat… while I picked cancer. Cancer chose me.  I did not want to fight cancer, but I had no choice.

In the days before the scan, my mood really changed. I really stopped caring. I was just tired. The anxiety and stress of the whole situation really wore me out. I just wanted to know the results one way or another, so I could start the next phase in my life.

On the day I was to get my results, I got to the cancer center at 8:15. My mom, my grandfather, and Abby met me there. Abby accompanied me to get my vitals and the news from the doctor, while my mom and grandfather waited in the lobby. When the medical assistant weighed me, I had gained 5 pounds in the last week. When she took my blood pressure, she said it was perfect. Everything else was where it was supposed to be. When I got into the patient room I sat on the patient chair, and was swinging my legs like a little boy. I felt good, and was confident that the results were going to be good.

My oncologist Dr. Nakajima is the person who ordered the PET scan, and he was going to be the one who would give me the results. Dr. Nakajima always walks around the office with this cart with wheels that holds his laptop, and the cart always makes a loud creaky noise when he rolls it around. While sitting in the room for a while, we heard the cart coming down the hall. He was headed to out room.

As soon as Dr. Nakajima walked in the room I noticed that he was smiling. I wasn’t sure if he was smiling because he is naturally goofy… or because he had some good news to tell me. Before he even closed the door, he told me he had good news for me. I looked at Abby and started smiling. He proceeded to tell me that my cancer was in remission. He then explained to me exactly what that meant while simultaneously answering some other questions that I had. He then examined me and had me schedule another appointment for another PET Scan in 3 months. I gave him a hug, and that was it.

I did not react how I thought I was going to react. When I received the good news, I followed it up with more questions rather than celebrating emphatically. Abby and I smiled at each other, and that was pretty much it. When I got to the lobby I hugged my mother and my grandfather. I explained to them what the Dr. told me, and then we all just left. Nothing too dramatic happened. Then I got to my car.

As soon as I closed my car door and realized I was alone, I broke down. I put my head on the steering wheel and just started crying. I first went to the doctor to complain about my ear pain on May 29, 2015. I was taking six Advil at a time every few hours every day for a few months before that in an attempt to hide my pain from everyone. I had 35 radiation treatments, 3 chemotherapy treatments, 6 emergency visits, and countless other appointments. I had a feeding tube in my stomach. I suffered from so much pain, and so many sleepless nights. I threw up so many times. I went through about 20-25 different types of medication. I suffered from dysphagia, pneumonia, dehydration, depression, suicidal thoughts, lymphedema, thrush, neuralgia, and countless other side effects. I lost 40 pounds. I still couldn’t eat or drink. Everything I had gone through was simultaneously playing in my mind, causing my emotions to get the best of me. Just like when I found out I had cancer, I was sitting alone in my car crying my eyes out.

I didn’t cry for long though. After having a literal outpouring of emotion it was time to move on with my life. I started my car, put on August Alsina’s new album, and started to drive. One side note… I want to give a big shout out to August Alsina. Both of his albums got me through some hard days and nights. He himself suffered from depression, and both of his albums talk about having hope, perseverance, and working through a variety of issues. Ok back on topic… as soon as I left the cancer center parking lot I randomly just started screaming. I mean really loud screaming. I will be fighting cancer for the rest of my life, but it felt good knowing that I won this round and I will be able to fight another day.

This cancer fight really broke me down. It broke me down physically and mentally. I feel like the entirety of this experience left me as a shell of myself, with just my core as a person remaining. And that is ok. Initially I told myself that when I beat cancer and was able to eat I was going to indulge in any and every type of food. After really thinking about it, my mindset changed. I lost 40 pounds during this process. I feel like all of the weight that I lost was bad weight. I feel like this process removed everything bad that was in my body. I would be a fool to fill it back with bad stuff. I decided to look at these circumstances as an opportunity. From now on I am going to eat healthy. Abby read a book entitled “Anti-cancer: A New Way of Life,” which talks about living a healthy lifestyle that will prevent an individual’s likelihood of developing cancer. In the book it talks about how the diet in the western world is literally a recipe for cancer, and how a lot of the foods in the United States are banned in other countries. I’m not going to use this time to talk about how I feel like the FDA, pharmaceutical companies, and our government wants the average individual to get sick… but learning about preservatives, pesticides, genetically modified organisms, and what is considered “food” in this country is really enlightening and sad at the same time. With that being said, I am going to build my body up the right way. Right now everything I put in my tube is organic. When I am able to eat it will be just the same. While organic food is more expensive, the price to pay for eating this stuff that is called “food” is much greater. Now there will be times when I eat Oreo cookies and cheesesteaks because I know I am going to die no matter what, but it won’t be nearly as much as before.

So that is where I am at right now. I have a new mindset, rebooted body, and a second chance at life. I have been consistently going to the gym. I have gained 7 pounds and already feel stronger. My body feels good now that I am filling it with the proper nutrients. I can drink liquids now. I ate pureed organic soup the other day, and am slowing trying to incorporate other soft foods into my diet. I am making drastic changes in all aspects of my life that will hopefully keep me happy and healthy for a long time, while simultaneously attempting to get the most out of every moment because I understand that any day can be my last. I encourage you all to do the same.