It is 10:12 PM WST.

I am laying in bed.

Below is a picture of my bed.

I have the top bunk.

The blue bag on my bed is my laundry bag.

I don't know why I keep saying "my bed" like I own it.

It is merely the bed I sleep in.

Everything in that bag and the bag itself can fit into a single suitcase I have under the bottom bunk.

I can put that yellow bag that is on my bed on my back, put the blue bag and the clothing in it in my suitcase, and comfortably transport everything I own in this world with me wherever I want to go

In the meantime, I keep those extra bags on the outside of my bed for privacy.

Anyway...

Since it is 2017 and I have the ability as a writer to set the scene, that is what I just did.

While that scene serves as the backdrop for this story, that scene also metaphorically represents the motivation for my current state of mind:

I have to make moves.

---

With all of that being said, thank you for coming to my blog.

I sincerely appreciate it.

Not nearly as many people visit as they used to.

The viewership statistics for my blog have decreased dramatically.

I get it.

The severity of my actions caused me to lose a lot of relationships.

Family, friends, love... all gone.

One thing that this whole process has taught me though is that I cannot make people understand me, no matter how hard I try. While a lot of people read my story and were close to me during the entire process, I was the only person who actually took the walk. I don't only speak of my cancer walk either, but my entire walk through life.

A few days ago I saw the movie Moonlight. While I was not a fan of the ending, the bulk of the movie did a great job of showing how the influences of an adolescent shapes the course of not only their personalities, but their entire lives. If I am ever again put in situation where I am forced to explain the reason for my inadequacies as a man, I can point to that movie as a reference point. For the record, as a man I still take full responsibility for my actions, and have also paid the price for every single one of my faults.

Back to Moonlight for a second... I wasn't a fan of the ending because I didn't like the fact that the film never showed Chiron publicly embracing his true self. It makes me wonder if her ever did. If the writers would have had Chiron do that on camera, I feel like that display of liberation would have been even more impactful than the actual ending that the world was given.

Who am I though?

Back to my little story.

While my actions caused me to lose everything I had in this physical world, I feel like my mind and my spirit are both slowly healing. In addition to that, it is my hope that the universe has healed or will eventually heal all of those I hurt as well.

In my time of recovery, I have been lucky enough to stumble upon some very good counsel. After I realized my girlfriend was never going to take me back, I asked my counsel how I should move forward. I thought I needed another woman to make me happy.

My counsel broke things down, and really helped me understand the importance of valuing myself. Even though others may have lost faith in me, I know I have so much quality love to give to a woman. I want to give it all. My counsel helped me understand that the recipient of that love has to be special. I cannot just go around giving that love to everyone. I already saw all of the damage it had done. My counsel made me understand that going forward I would be wasting my time if I dealt with women who can only fulfill a few of my needs. My counsel also stated that those situations may actually prevent me from meeting a person that can fulfill all of my needs.

My counsel was right. While I definitely want love and want a woman to have fun with and spend time with, attempting to find love is not going to be my focus. I need to submit to my purpose. I am going to stay on my path. I will say this though:

Whether it is tomorrow morning or next year, if a woman of value gives me the chance to make her smile, I am not going to be the only one that is going to get lucky. I may not be perfect and she probably won't be either, but I promise that I am going to attempt to love her like she is.

For now though, I have to let that go and just let it come to me.

For now, I need to focus on my priorities.

I want my family.

I want my daughter

Before I get into that, I wanted to address a comment on Facebook that was directed towards me in reference to a post that I made about me missing my daughter.

I am going to be paraphrasing, but the person said something like this:

"If you really miss your daughter, you should have never moved to California."

Even though I said I no longer wanted to explain my actions, this is something I wanted to make sure I clarified to everyone.

The picture above is a picture of me following the last day of my radiation/chemotherapy treatment combination. That process lasted about for about 7 weeks. When my cancer metastasized, my doctor told me that he was going to surgically insert a port into my shoulder. That port was going to be used to administer chemotherapy and immunotherapy into my body. That process was set to begin in the middle of December. That was roughly 21 weeks ago. 

I can only imagine how my body would have reacted to 21 weeks of chemotherapy treatment. That treatment would have started in the middle of December. It is cold in Allentown in the winter. I would have been severely depressed. I have no idea where I would have been living. I wanted to give up the first time. If I would have stayed home and listened to the world, I might be dead. 

The picture above was taken of me two days ago. That was roughly 21 weeks after I would have begun my second round of chemotherapy. 

Look at the difference between the two pictures. Forget about the physical differences for a moment. Take notice of my emotion. Attempt to feel my spirit. 

In the first picture, my whole vibe was negative. As hard as it may be to believe, I felt even worse than I looked.  

In the second picture, my whole vibe was positive. I was composed. I'm not sure if I was as happy as I looked in that moment, but I was doing half bad. 

Now look at the physical differences. Actually, just look at the second picture. Even though I learned how to use Instagram, there is no filter. My face has filled in. My skin is smooth and clear. It is soft. My color has come back. My hair is thick and smooth. I know you cannot see it, buy teeth are whiter. I go the gym almost daily. I have an appetite. I am getting stronger. I am gaining weight.  

Can you imagine what I would look like that if I would have followed the doctors orders, was a strong dad, and did as I was instructed? Can you imagine what I would look like today if I would have followed Pennsylvania law and proceeded with all of their pharmacological recommendations? 

Whenever I am missing my daughter, I have to remind myself of this: 

I would rather be able to have a two way dialogue with her over the phone, rather than her having a one way dialogue with my tombstone. 

Moving to California was no longer an option. It was a matter of life or death. I was depressed. I was tired. Again, I cannot begin to conceptualize where my mind has been, so I will not attempt try. I will just say that it wasn't going to be the cancer or the treatment that ultimately killed me. I was ready to quit. I would have eventually committed suicide.  

Hopefully that small explanation will help give clarity to those who did not understand the reasoning behind my decision. 

I wish I dive back into the negative in any way, but that touched a small part of my soul and I wanted to make a point to address it. 

After I addressed that, I wanted to address the fact that I was called out for not mentioning that I missed my son enough. We have family business that we are working out and that is the business.of nobody else. I will just leave it at that. 

Moving on. 

---

I am trying. 

I am tired, but I am really trying. 

I am trying to build a brand. 

When I first moved to LA, I spent a lot of time attempting to convince people that I had a good idea. In hindsight, I can understand how I looked like I was all over the place. I was. 

I feel like I have gotten to a space that enables me to harness the excitement of a new idea into the energy that helps me create and explain it. 

Within the last 10 days I have created a website, made a documentary, and created two different web stores. Each web store contains over 100 different products featuring six original logos that I created and had copyrighted. 

A quick story about the two main logos:

I had originally asked B-art to design a logo for me. I told him I would pay market value for his work. He told me the price was 300 dollars, and the turnaround time was around two weeks. I had like 17 dollars in cash and $2.46 in change in my pocket at the time, so I knew that paying Bart for a logo wasn't going to work. 

Later that night, I started playing with my IPad. I started googling software programs that were used to edit photos and make logos. I then checked the App store. I found a bunch of apps that looked like they would help me achieve my goal of making a logo.  

For the next 24 hours, I became fixated on creating a logo. I did not move. I sat. I messed up. I messed up again. I messed up over a thousand times. 

I kept trying. I read. I experimented. I obtained small victories that I built on. Literally a day later, I came up with this... 

The title of my upcoming book is THEDEATHOFaCANCERpatient. "The Death of Cancer" is the only thing that is capitalized in the title. This skull logo symbolizes the beautiful death of cancer, not the death of the patient. 

I am the patient, and I am still alive. 

The literal interpretation of that logo in words was the focus of the second logo I created. That logo is below... 

I love this logo. It is clever, yet self explanatory when you take a second to break it down. 

Those are two of the six logos I created. I cannot tell you how proud of them I am. They are mine. They are inspirations that came from my life. They are literally visual expressions of my soul. They mean that much to me. I was really, really, emotional when they were done. 

Words cannot explain how happy I was when I saw them on actual apparel. I got a little chocked up. Here are some pictures... 

I have created a brand. In all honesty, what separates my "brand" from a lot of other brands is that the inspiration comes from a purposeful place. I was a former cancer patient that went through the hell that is cancer treatment, who has now devoted his life to curing cancer. The concept behind the brand cannot be any more authentic. 

The other 4 logos that I made are just as meaningful. All of the explanations of the designs are included in the product descriptions of my web store. These designs are literally the story of my life. They are my therapy. They are my everything. 

In addition to the two clothing web stores, I have a website. I have a book that is set to release. I have a documentary. I already have another book that is still available for sale. I have tangible goods that are available for purchase. I haven't even mentioned the fact that my life is a literal case study. 

Here is the method: 

I am trying to use those tangible goods to create revenue.  I want to spend the rest of the money I have on my own products. I then want to reach out to every business owner I know in the Lehigh Valley with the intent of hopefully putting my products in their store. I am going to create digital flyers summarizing my story to go along with the products. I hope to flip that revenue into more capital that will help buy more products, help me buy time to finish my book, that will help me eat food every day, and that will enable me to have a place to sleep every night. 

I am also going to be a vendor at Flea Markets. I am also going to be a vendor on Venice Beach, Santa Monica, and on Hollywood Blvd. I am going to create a beautiful weatherproof poster. The poster is going to be colorful. It is going to be short and to the point, but still it will still have enough information to captivate a potential shopper in the time it will take to walk by me.

I went to a Flea Market today in an affluent neighborhood in Hollywood.  I talked to a lot of the vendors.It costs around 100 dollars to rent a stand for the day. Your stand can be open from 9am-5pm. 

I spent a good chunk of time at the Flea Market. I noticed a few things. 

Fist things first, there was a lot of activity. It was pretty busy the whole day. 

The second thing I noticed was that there was a mixed crowed. Cancer is a disease that unfortunately impacts a lot of older adults. Cancer patients are my target demographic, so I am sure they will be interested in the information I will have available. My apparel looks really nice too, so I am sure the look will fresh and colorful look of some of my designs will draw in a younger crowd. 

The last thing I quickly noticed was that despite the shoppers differing in age, they all had something in common. A lot of them could afford my apparel, and a lot of them could afford to donate to my cause and make a real difference in my life. 

The intent of me creating this merchandise was to bring awareness to the book. The intent of the merchandise is to buy me time to finish the book. It is done in my mind, and 95 percent written. I know how I want to bring it all together. I just want to be ablt o focus on that and not dinner every day. 

 After the book is done I want to continue to learn, and continue to collaborate with people around the world who truly care about curing cancer. I don't want to worry about money. It isn't like I am not working. I am working in an attempt cure one of the most prominent and deadliest diseases in the world. With help, I came up with what I believe is a formula that cured my own cancer. It is my goal to share this information with everyone else. 

It is going to take one big donation, a few mid-level donations, or many small donations to buy me that time. Here is the thing though: 

No matter which way it is going to happen, it is going to happen. 

I believe in my story. It is eventually going to reach the right person or group of people, and they are going to change my life. 

I am in the second largest city in the United States. I have become familiar with a lot of its most prominent areas. I spent the last two years thoroughly documenting what in effect ended up being a cancer curing case study. I have wrapped that information up into a nice pretty bow, and now it is ready to presented to the world. I feel like one of two things are going to happen:

I am going to be on the Santa Monica Pier with my display one day, and some sixty-something year old man is going to read it. He is going to be captivated. Unfortunately he is also going to have prostate cancer, his wife may have breast cancer, or his grandson may have a brain tumor. He is gong read my story, and he is going to understand that he needs my help. He is going to save my life by giving me a six-figure donation in support of my cause, and I am going to give him the information that is either going to save his life or the life of someone close to him. 

It is all a numbers game. I just need to find the right person or group of people to believe in me. My story is real, and it is important. I believe in it. I am all in on it. 

It will either be that, or someone is going to shoot me in between the eyes for trying to reveal this information. I am no longer afraid to die, so to that I say shoot your shot.

I wanted to make this post to clarify my intent. It is my hope that nobody misconstrues what I am attempting to do. I really want to cure cancer. If you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out. If you wish to donate to my cause by either purchasing merchandise to my web store or donating to my gofundme account, both links can be found if you scroll down on the homepage of my website. My website is... 

https://8thstreetbridge.com/

In Summation

My short term goals:

I would like to find a room to rent. Communal living would be better if I had my own little space. I know what I signed up for when I moved in here, but I am ready to have a little more room than the top of a bunk bed. It is my hope that my future room will be able to accommodate my daughter for short stays. 

I would like my mom to move here with me in the next month or two. We could move in together. We would figure it out. That would create the space for my daughter. 

I want to release my book no later than the 4th of July. The freeing of my mind was like an independence day, so the theme does kind of fit. 

Well, that is all for now. 

It is 3:14 AM LA time. 

I am going to go for a walk. 

Love

It is Tuesday, April 25, 2017. I am sitting in the LA Fitness lobby waiting for a video to upload.

It has been around a month since I have moved to Los Angeles. A lot of people have asked me how I am doing. 

Here is an update:

I miss my family.

This is tough.

Despite that, there is no looking back. I have to set a foundation. My mom is attempting to eventually make her way here. It is hard with a dog. I hope she can make it here soon. It is my hope that we can move together. It is my hope that we can eventually create a comfortable enough space for my daughter to stay for an extended period of time. We can do it together.

If my son wants to come, he needs to step up and become a man. 

As far as setting roots in LA... this is what I have so far:

1) I spent an entire day getting a new passport 

My old passport fell out of my pocket on my way to the DMV. That is just another hurdle I have had to jump through in this thing called life. I just laughed it off and looked up at the sun with a smirk on my face. 

2) I spent a whole day getting my California drivers license. 

I got it though 😊

3) I have a place to stay... for now

The place I stay at is ok. It is like temporary housing. I sleep with 3 other males in one room. It is extremely humbling, but we are all respectful to each other and we make it work. Rent is due on the first of the month, and I don't exactly have it. I have given away all of my things, and I literally have one suitcase of belongings to my name. I have a few ideas in hopes of raising my rent money, but I am prepared to be homeless if necessary. 

4) I have a job

I am a bookseller for Barnes and Noble. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. While my pay rate is nowhere near what I used to make, my purpose is just as great. Learning the intricacies of a bookstore is pretty cool. They offer book showcases for independent authors. After my next book the DEATH OF a CANCER patient is finished, I will have two books to showcase.

One of the other best perks of my job is that as soon as you walk out of the door, you can see the Pacific Ocean.

Awesome. 

5) I am writing again

My creative energy is coming back

6) I have my medical marijuana license

Being %100 legal feels really good. 

7) I am in the gym

I am strong... my basketball game is looking good too.

I have had a few other achievements that I cannot remember right now. 

I have also had some issues.

I got a bicycle, but the front tire got stolen. Then the back tire got stolen. I really want a folding bike, but I don't have any money right now. I take the bus and walk everywhere. All I do is walk all day. I go here and go there in an attempt to lay a foundation for myself. I have long days, and I am tired. 

I really miss my love. I have not messed with any women here. I have had vulnerable moments, such as asking Vanessa to come see me. She was the only person who checked up on me. I am single. My ex won't talk to me.

Even with all of those things considered, it still wasn't the right thing to do. Vanessa said no anyway, which was great for her.

I would love some companionship. I don't want a girlfriend, other than my love. I still would love to just talk to a woman. I would love to just sit with a woman. I would love to smell a woman. I would love to look into a woman's eyes. I would love to tell a joke, and see a woman crack a smile. I want the opportunity to successfully be the emotional release for a deserving woman after a long day of attempting to save the world. I want to show my gratitude and appreciation in multiple forms. I know what physical form I want that love to manifest into, but right now I am willing to take it however it comes.

I failed my motorcycle permit test six times. It is not meant for me to have a motorcycle, so I am not going to get one. Every time I log on to The Morning Call website I see an article referencing a motorcycle accident. I am listening to the signs.

I gave someone a deposit for a Vespa that I have since forfeited, since I no longer want to buy it.

I have some other challenges, but I want to stay positive.

I want to spend the rest of this post talking about a friend that I made.

I live in Hollywood. The area I live in is kind of the hood of Hollywood, if there was one. There is a homeless man that lives on my street. He has the most infectious eyes. He has the softest looking beard. He looks like a Mexican Papa Smurf.

This man does not speak any English. He can barely walk. There are times when he sits and he physically looks like he is alright.Then there are other times when he is seemingly in pain. I speak a little Spanish to him, and we have been communicating a little better.

There is a diner and a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on my block. I have been living where I have been living for about a month, and I go eat at either one of those places daily. On my way home, I always find this man and give him my extra food if I have any.

Every morning I walk by him on my way to the gym. I have not been doing yoga on the beach. Before I go to the gym, I buy Papi a beer. He would always ask me for a "cerveza,' which is the Spanish word for beer.

I know the man is sick, but here is my logic:

A beer will make him happy.

Nothing will make him better.

Well... almost nothing.

I attempted to give him the cure. That is the name of my medicine. Yes it did cure my cancer... but it is literally the cure for everything.

He took one smell, and made this terrible face.

He then proceeded to say... "Caca."

That is the Spanish word for SHIT.

Even though I have been helping him with food, cervezas, and anything else... he has been just as big of a help to me. I love sitting outside and just talking to him for hours. We have spent sunrises and sunsets together. There are times where I look at his beautiful green eyes, and I can tell that every once in a while even through all of his pain and suffering, there are a few special moment that Papi steals a few seconds of joy. I see it. I feel it. It is pure. It is brief, but it is precious.

I love those moments.

There was one specific time that he helped me that I wanted to mention.

I was on the phone with my ex-girlfriend. I had been begging and pleading to get her back. She wouldn't budge. In an upset fit of rage, I ran out of the house.

As soon as I took two steps, who was right in front of me?

Papi.

What did I do? I grabbed him. I hugged him. I put my face into his dirty coat onto his dirty shoulder. I really let go.

My block is extremely vibrant. There were a lot of people outside, and everyone saw it. I did not care.

Here is why I was so emotional:

There I was crying over a situation that I was responsible for that involved me doing a bunch of really bad things to multiple women... and here was this sixty-something year old homeless man walking down the block to his home under the sign of a movie theater.

This man really helped me put things into perspective. My problems paled in comparison to his problems. He carries around empty bottles of Fe-breeze in ripped garbage bags. He has ripped garbage bags that are filled with old newspaper ads.

Everything he owns is literally garbage.

Here is the thing though:

It is his garbage.

He slow rolls that garbage in a rusty shopping cart up and down the street from sun up until sun down with an extreme sense of pride. Protecting that garbage makes his life worth living. It is the only thing that he has to protect. I am getting choked up even writing this. That is a human being everyone. His day is spent walking down the block looking for food through garbage, that will give him enough energy to pridefully protect his garbage.

This is humanity is 2017.

When we see and hear about stories of lives of men life Papi, yes our hearts are immediately hurt. We get mad. We run to the internet and maybe will make a Facebook post about it. It will ruminate in our minds for a few days.

Eventually, those thoughts will be replaced with something else. There is always a new cause or new hashtag to get behind.

Eventually those thoughts will be replaced with the thoughts of self preservation. Eventually you will want to focus more on making sure you aren't in a position like Papi. That will cause most people to spend more time attempting to educate and better themselves because they don't think that they are good enough to help humanity in their current state. Most people are more than adequate to help other, but are institutionalized to believe that they are under-qualified. They thing they need a diploma, to be educated, or to be certified in order to help.

What will eventually happen is most people will subconsciously forget about the cause. Papi will ultimately spend his entire life protecting garbage, and everyone else's life will go on.

Here is where things get tricky: What life will everyone else be going back to? Most people who are considered successful in modern society leave their homes and their loved ones every morning to go to work. Most people in the United States do not particularly love their profession. The commute to and from work is tiring and long for most, especially after an 8+ hour day. On their days off they are playing catch-up in order to get things prepared for the work week.

Even when most Americans are at home, their home life isn't exactly perfect. I have heard that a lot of people who are married and have children hate each other. I don't know, but I have heard that a lot of people actually cheat on their spouses and live double, triple, and quadruple lives.

The relationship between parent and child isn't what it used to be either. Phones screens have become the go between. Both children and their parents have become addicted to their phones. Their aren't many family dinners, or many family game nights.

I say all of that to say this:

The life of most Americans is not much different that the life of Papi, the homeless man in Los Angeles.

Much like Papi... most Americans spend all of their time and energy working to protect a whole bunch of garbage.

Wow.

The change that most people have in their cigarette dishes would mean the world to most people I know. There are people that I know that could live off of the value of one pair of shoes from most of my readers closets. This is real life for a lot of people, and it breaks my motherfucking heart knowing, understanding, and living it. It breaks my heart knowing that I used to have nearly every pair of Jordan's, and I still did not think that it was enough. Meanwhile there where men like Papi who only had one pair of shoes... a pair of shoes that have holes at that.

While yes I have nice things and will continue to have nice things... the important thing is that I do not have many things. I own two pair of shoes. I own like 5 pair of pants, 4 dress shirts, 14 t-shirts, 8 pair of socks, and 8 pair of boxer shorts. I am super efficient. I am ready to be homeless. I have a job and two gym memberships. I only have to monitor one bag. I could sleep on the beach and shower at the gym before work.

Eventually I will meet a friend. Maybe I will become vulnerable and meet a woman? I do not know.

One thing I do know is that I will not go back to my old life. I have the cure to cancer. I am writing again. I have business cards. I have a website. I have one life to live, and I am going to make an effort to change the world for the better.

If I die trying, I was going to die anyway.

On my way home from getting something to eat, I decided that I was going to sit and talk to Papi. What I intended to be a short conversation serendipitously turned into my first documentary. You can now cross documentary producer off of my bucket list. I am going to post the link to my first movie below.

Before I post the video, I want to say this:

I am an artist. This is work. I am giving it away for free, but I would appreciate it if donations were made for my work. This production takes a lot of time. My gofundme link for donations is below...

https://www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

Thank you very much for anything that you can contribute. Everything helps.

Without further ado, my video has finished uploading.

Here is my documentary:

An hour in a day

by: Kyle Kostic

An hour in a day from kyle kostic on Vimeo.

I am coming home.

It is Sunday, March 19, 2017 at 12:08 pm. I am on the balcony of a hostel in Venice Beach, California.

It has been a week since I had what I am calling “my emotional death.” After my rebirth, I have had a lot of time to ponder the world, ponder what I now think I know, and ponder what my next move will be. 

All of that pondering has led me to make the most important decision of my life:

I am coming back to Allentown.

When I woke up this morning, I took my medical marijuana dosage. I then decided to do some yoga on the beach. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing. The ocean was blue, the birds were chirping, and the atmosphere was energetic. The temperature wasn’t too hot or too cold. It was the perfect morning.

Yoga really gives me a clear mind. After my little 30-minute session, I attempted to fill my mind with positive thoughts for the remainder of the day.

Immediately after I completed my yoga session, I walked over to Muscle Beach to work out. The equipment there gives me the ability to complete a very good full body workout. I also found a few LA Fitness locations that are in walking distance from where I am staying. I am glad I am a member.

After my little weightlifting session, I did some burpees on the beach. I also ran up a sand hill 10 times for cardio. It was a great workout.

After I finished doing the hills, I went into the ocean. Even though the sun was out, it was only 8 am and only about 60 degrees. The water was extremely cold. I needed to go into the ocean though. It helped my body rejuvenate. It felt so good.

After my workout I grabbed some breakfast on Main St. I always complained about the lack of healthy restaurants in the Lehigh Valley. Thankfully, that is no issue here. There is a vegan restaurant on every corner. There is an organic spot on every block. Avocados come with everything. There are almost too many healthy choices.

It is good that there are a lot of healthy restaurants everywhere, because I really have an appetite. I am always hungry. Ever since I have gotten to California, I have been consistently taking my medical marijuana. It has helped me sleep. I am extremely rested. I have been sleeping for 8 hours a night. This rest has given me energy. It has enabled me to work out. When I went to LA Fitness, I was surprised at how much strength I had. I have been there 3 times in the last week. While I did lose some strength due to my surgery, I am actually stronger than I thought I would be.

I am healing.

After I ate, I went for a long walk. Again, it was the perfect day. I saw people rollerblading, riding bicycles, sun tanning, reading, surfing, shopping, smoking weed, eating, and just enjoying life. What a place.

After I let my food digest, I went to the basketball court. Venice Beach has 8 courts. I shot some jumpers. I stayed within 15 feet. I can still shoot. Even though I was a little weak due to my surgery, I didn’t have any pain. I practiced my dribbling. I still have it. It is still there.

This was week one. Even though I am limited in what I can do, that is ok. I am patient and disciplined enough to go after a long-term goal. I also have an insane work ethic. I also cured my cancer, so I plan on being around for a long time. I will get it all back.

My basketball workout was great. I then took a shower at the hostel. I can almost see the basketball from my hotel. I could have taken a shower at LA Fitness too, but I didn’t have to today. It is good to have that option though.

After I got out of the shower, it was about 12 am. I found a really neat bookstore on Venice Beach. I spent an hour in the store. I have fallen in love with abstract art. I talked to the owner for about an hour. I told her about my book, my two upcoming books, and my cancer story. She was really nice. She told me to come back soon. She also she told me that she hoped that she would have my books in her store one day. I ended up buying a book entitled “Judge This,” by Chip Kid.

After leaving the bookstore, I got something to eat. Again, I am always hungry.  I had a falafel dish from the Mediterranean restaurant that is right across the street from my hostel. The owner is from Egypt. The restaurant is called Cairo Cowboy. We have gotten cool. I told him about my time in Cairo and Luxor. I showed him some pictures. I have just been hanging out there, talking to the owner, and doing some writing.

After I finished eating, I then took my book and went to the beach. I sat there and read. After looking at the book for a while, I decided to listen to my music. After listening to my music for a while, I decided to take a nap. I then read my book a little more. I then decided to walk again.

There are a lot of interesting people in Venice Beach. While I have been going for walks, listening to music, and exploring... I have been noticing a lot of interesting businesses, parks, and other areas. I have also noticed one extremely interesting thing that has been happening:

People have been noticing me.

I feel like since I have been reborn, I have changed. I feel infectious. I can hold my urine longer. I can tolerate spicy food better than I used to. I actually initiated a conversation today. That is a big deal for me.

My clothing is even different. I used to wear mostly dark clothing, but my wardrobe has evolved. I love color now. I have found some consignment shops here in LA, and I have been trading some of my old clothing and shoes for some new stuff. I actually have a pair of Jordan’s. If you really know me, you know how big of a deal that is.

If you see me with some new clothing, I want you to understand that I did not pay for any of it. It is amazing what you can get in return for the rarest article of clothing in the world… a piece of clothing that I USED to own.

I had to get rid of it.

It was too “dark.”

When I walk on Venice Beach, I feel like the women are taking notice. I feel like they see me and they are curious. I am kind of wandering and doing my own thing though, so I am not really paying attention to any of that. I have been propositioned a few times. I have had a few conversations. I have a few phone numbers. I have eaten dinner with a woman. I have spent an entire day with a woman.

During our conversations, I have been forthcoming with my story. I am not trying to get with any of these women. I am just expressing myself. It feels good to be me, and to tell the real truth. 

They are loving my honesty. 

They like me too.

I cannot lie… some of these women are beautiful. This is California. They are kind of weird and kind of quirky, just like me. A lot of the women here are racially ambiguous. There are so many odd 30-somethings that are tired of the bullshit. While I am in no position to entertain a woman or any type of relationship right now, I know that I will not say no to every single woman every single time if I stayed here. I will eventually move on. 

I met a woman at my hostel that quit her six-figure job mid-day. She literally got up, walked out, and moved to California in the middle of her shift. She told me that she loves her new life, and wishes she would have quit sooner. I met someone who did not like Brexit, and just left the UK. I met a woman from India who moved to California because she was tired of the feminist oppression that she experienced in her native land. I met a man that has been to every country in the world except for 3. 

I have heard a ton of these stories. They all sound like mine. Fuck the establishment. I am around like minded people with similar feelings on the current state of society, which is pretty neat.

With all of that being said, I am coming home. The decision was too easy to make. At this point in my life, my environment is extremely important to my development and growth.  It is arguably the most vital component for me as I attempt to heal going forward.

When I get back to Allentown, I am going to get rid of everything I have. I am going to have a yard sale. I am going to sell both of my cars and get a van.  Even though I already resigned from my job, I want to personally thank my boss and my director for the opportunity they gave me to work for them. I am going to close my bank account and cash out every investment that I have. I am going to do my taxes. I am coming back home to Allentown to get my affairs in order.

I am coming back to Allentown, in order to prepare to leave Allentown.

I am moving to California.

If I really want to be healthy and I really want to live a long and happy life, that process needs to begin here. This is a place of healing. Staying in Allentown is no longer a choice for me. If I lived in Allentown, I would have legitimate health concerns. Moving to California is literally a life and death choice for me.

If I stay in Allentown, I am at the mercy of Pennsylvania law. While medical marijuana is legal in Pennsylvania, it cannot be subscribed to me for around another two years. The doctors in PA are not trained to subscribe it. What about the red tape for dispensaries? Who knows how long it will take in order for me to be able to get legitimate medicine in Allentown.

I do not have two years. 

I cannot tell cancer… “wait for two years until the cure is legal in my state.”

This needs to happen now.

If I stayed in Allentown and played by the rules, I would die. My doctor really wanted to give me a port in my shoulder. He wanted to administer chemotherapy and immunotherapy on me, starting in December. Imagine if I would have been doing that since December? I would have lost weight. I would not have been eating. I would be taking all kinds of opioids. I would have all types of poison inside my body. I might be dead. 

My doctor really wanted to kill me.

When taking all of this into consideration, moving to California was a no brainier. I can legally get medical marijuana here. The weather is warm and conducive to healing.  Didn’t it just snow in Allentown? Yesterday it was 75 degrees and sunny in Venice Beach.

What is better for me?

Do you want me to be healthy, or do you want me to live in Allentown because it will make YOU feel better?

This must happen.

I am choosing life.

My daughter has already called me crying. This time was not like West Virginia. I stood firm, and stood tall. I asked her... “Do you want your father to be alive or not?” If the answer is yes, then I need to live here.  

I want my daughter and her mother to live here too. I want my daughter’s mom’s boyfriend to come. I want her to be happy. I will help them. While there is opportunity in Allentown, Los Angeles is the second biggest city in United States.  There is plenty of opportunity here too. This environment would be great not only for my daughter, but for her mother too. 

If my daughters mother decides not to come, I am going anyway. Again, I feel like I have no choice. I did my part as a father and still plan on being the absolute best father that I can be. If my daughters mother decides not to come, I am going to attempt to eventually create an environment here that would enable my daughter to stay for an extended amount of time. Eventually I want her to maybe even have the option to move here with me. If my daughters mother totally rejects the idea and wants to put me on child support, so be it. I will not duck my responsibilities.

Ideally, I would love for my son and my mother to come. Not right now though. I need to be alone right now. Eventually they are more than welcome to join me, as long as they are self-sufficient. I am in no position to take care of another adult, including my son.

I know my mom can take care of herself, but I do not know if she wants to come or not. Now if my son wants to come, he has to be a man and he has to be able to take care of himself. If he can articulate to me how he can come out here with me and be successful, he is more than welcome to come.

While I am in California, it is not going to be all fun and games. I plan on getting a legitimate job. Now even though I want a job, it will not be full time. It will not be money driven either. I want to work at either a bookstore, a restaurant, or a grocery store. I will not work for more than 4 hours per day. I actually have already been offered a job. 

While I was at the Mediterranean restaurant, I told the owner my story. He loved me. He told me that if I needed employment while I am out here, he would hire me on the spot.

When I arrived at the hostel, I was pretty much just a fly on the wall. There is a communal area where everyone meets. I was just sitting there being quiet and doing my own thing.

There are people from literally all over the world that are staying here. There are younger people and older people. All ages, races, and nationalities are welcome. 

After a while, people began to introduce themselves to me. I ended up meeting people from Chile, Brazil, Argentina, London, Germany, France, India, Japan, Holland, King of Prussia, and everywhere in between. The bathroom is clean. The sleeping arrangements took a little getting used to, but they aren’t bad at all. I was just spoiled.

This is a community, and everyone plays a part. I did the dishes earlier. We all ate breakfast together. People who have just met have gone out to eat together, done activities together, and just chilled together. They drink here every night. The rooms are quiet though, which is definitely needed at times.

I hung out with the dude from Chile. A woman is waiting for me to finish this so we can go to eat together. This place promotes making connections, and encourages the building of bridges. Your race, color, religion, IQ, social status, and everything else in between does not matter.

This place is a true community, and I love it here.

The manager likes me. We have had sidebar conversations. She is black. She is from White Plains New York, so we have the East Coast connection in common. We talked about our lives. We talked about my cancer. She is like an aunt. She knows when I am scheduled to leave, and she doesn’t want me to go. I know I could get a job here. Other people who work here actually live here. I know that could be me. 

I am not sure if I want to live there though. I actually want to live in a van. I could make it work. LA Fitness locations are open from 5 am until midnight. That gives me a place to hang out for all but 5 hours per day. That also gives me a place to work out and take a shower. I already have a place to park too. B-Art works in a building that has a parking deck. It is secure. I could park there overnight every night. I could easily sleep there in a van. I would be completely safe. It actually sounds pretty fun.

Being homeless has been a truly humbling and rewarding experience. Before coming to the hostel, I spent one night on the street alone. I talked to another homeless woman who had cancer for 5 hours. She was 70 years old. It was amazing how smart she was, and how much knowledge she had. I am not sure what led her to her circumstances, but she was at one point a college professor. Homeless people at one point or another had “normal” lives too.

Have you ever been offered food? How about a dollar? Has someone ever stepped over you? I mean like how Allen Iverson stepped over Tyronne Lue? It was interesting being on the other side of those interactions. The totality of the situation was fascinating. Some people felt sorry for me. Some people were frightened of me. Some people laughed at me.

The worst part of the experience though was when people treated me like I was invisible. When you are homeless, you understand that not everyone can help you with food or a financial donation. Money is not always the answer though. A smile, a hello, and any type of acknowledgement can be just as important. Something as simple as letting a homeless person know that they exist really can go a long way in building the morale of a person in an otherwise difficult situation.

I know, I have experienced it.

This experience (as well as being poor for pretty much my entire life) has taught me to keep my overhead low. An LA fitness membership is 35 dollars per month. If I live in a van, I will only need money for food, gas, cell phone bill, car insurance, child support, and that is pretty much it. I can make that work.

Now when I am not working, it is not going to be all fun and games. I have a new purpose.

I have a psychology degree. I have had two encounters with cancer. I am a writer. I am going to use my life, my education, and my experiences to make a legitimate attempt at curing cancer.

Why not me?

Somebody has to do something. Nobody has to endure the pain that I went through. Chemotherapy and radiation almost killed me. Do you remember this? These pictures are from my first ever blog post…

I WENT THROUGH HELL. 

HELL!!!

There are alternative options. They are safer. They are better! I cannot just go back to my old life knowing what I know, especially after seeing what I saw and experiencing what I experienced. It broke my heart when I saw the other patients at Fox Chase. I knew I had something that they needed. I felt bad for them. I knew I had the medical marijuana. My experience is literally going to become my own case study. 

I have to tell the world what I think I know. I feel like I have the cure to cancer. It is multifaceted, so I will attempt break it down into 3 sections. I feel like there are 3 different things that can lead to a cure for everyone.

We need western technology. We need machines. We need accurate detection, and we need to have the ability to do surgery. Surgery can be a quick fix, and it needs to be an option.

Western technology is not enough though. We also need to meditate. I truly believe in mind over matter. I truly believe that my cancer manifested due to my issues with my mind. While I feel like my surgery cleared the cancer from my lung, I feel like me having the emotional breakdown that I had and telling the truth will prevent cancer from manifesting in my body in the future. I no longer have to conserve a bunch energy and use it to hold onto a mountain of lies. I am now free to use that energy in any way that I wish.

Meditation is not easy. It is actually pretty difficult. I feel like in order to cure cancer by using meditation for the average everyday individual, the meditation needs to be accelerated.

Enter the medical marijuana.

If you meditate while using medical marijuana, it takes you to a deep place. It takes you to an unimaginable world that I cannot conceptualize. Like I explained in a previous post, when you see what I saw…. you cannot unsee it.

I cannot unsee the dick.

This stuff really works. I posted a Ted Talk about a woman who had a similar experience as myself. In February of 2006, this woman was on her deathbed. She was 85 pounds and in a coma. The doctor gave her 1 hour to live.

While she was in this situation, she got deep. She had a vision. Now while my vision was induced by medical marijuana, her vision was induced by her coma and deteriorating state of health. She was pretty much dead, as I was. Don’t focus on that and miss the point. I am using this example to illustrate the power of the mind.  

While she was in this coma, her vision told her how to correct her cancer. Now even though she was on what many thought was her deathbed with tumors all over her body, she woke up after having her vision. Her tumors started to shrink. In a week, her tumors shrank by 70 percent. After 5 months, she did not have a trace of cancer in her body.  The mind led to this woman from having 1 hour to live, to becoming completely cancer free. No medicine, no treatment, no nothing. I feel like a similar experience happened to me.

The world needs to know this.

I am going to reach out to Anita, the woman who had that experience. Not only am I going to do that, I am also going to reach out to everyone who is working toward curing cancer. I have entered a niche community. I have been bumping into other people like myself. People have found my blog, and they have actually been reaching out to me. It is amazing to me how and who is "in the know" in reference to marijuana. The people who have quietly reached out to me after I made my marijuana revelation was kind of surprising. It is kind of mind blowing actually. 

I am going to work with others who use meditation with the intention of healing. I am going to research medical marijuana until I become am a subject matter expert. I am going to reach out to doctors and psychologists, share my experiences, and see if we can come up with something.

Now when I do this, I plan on doing it anonymously. Jay Z had a line in one of his songs that said, “The truest form of giving is anonymous to anonymous.” I really believe that. I am going to do that. I am doing this from my heart. Curing cancer is my new life purpose. I am going to attempt to achieve this goal in the dark. One thing I learned during this whole process is that you must correct what is wrong, in the dark. With that being said, I will contribute to society and work an honest job for around 4 hours per day in the light. Best believe though that I will be simultaneously attempting to cure cancer in the dark. 

I am going to do whatever it takes in an attempt to cure cancer. I am going to meet and collaborate with as many people as I can who are also in this niche community. If I have to meet with a guru in Tibet to talk about meditation, I am going to go. If I have to meet with a doctor in Germany who is working on a breakthrough and they want to talk to me about my story, I am going to go. I have joined forums and made connections. I am already working these angles, and this is already happening. 

Now I am not naïve. Doing what I intend to accomplish is going to cost money. I am going to publish and sell While we still can AND Bridges as soon as possible. I am going to get a job. Now while those revenue streams may be enough to get me by, I am going to need a little more money to assist me in moving around how I may need to in my I attempt to cure cancer.

When I first started this drive across the country, I did not want to take donations. Since then my life has led me to a position where I really do need help. I quit my job. I spent pretty much all of my money on my children.

If I do not receive one donation, that is ok. I will make it anyway. But as of today, I am literally a starving artist. I am kind of homeless, and kind of don’t have much. People have reached out and offered to help me. You now know who the real me is and who the old me was. I told you all my ugly truth, and I have nothing left to hide. If you still have it in your heart to donate, any help will be appreciated.

My GoFundMe account is still active. Here is the link. I set the goal at 1 million dollars. I have big dreams. Please share:

https://www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

So…

That is it.

This is the end… or is this the beginning? 

It is both. 

It is both the beginning, and the end. The bridge has been built. I love Allentown. Allentown raised me. Allentown made me tough, made me savvy, and made me resilient. I will always come back. Allentown will always be my home, and Allentown will always have my heart.

A new bridge has been built though. It is time for a change, and time for me to cross that bridge. It is time for me to move to California. 

I have literally been reborn. While I am in my infancy, I need to grow and develop in an environment that is conducive to health. As of today, the best and healthiest place in the world for me to live is in the state of California. 

I will continue to blog. I have fell in love with it. I will use this space for “fun.” I will do my creative writing here. I will spew my random thoughts here. I still need this space.

While I am not working or casually writing, rest assured that I will be attempting to fulfill my new life’s purpose.

I will be attempting to cure cancer...

in the dark.

Wish me luck.

I will talk to you soon.

Love.

It is Monday, March 13, 2017.

Let’s re-evaluate my current situation:

I told my girlfriend and the person I love more than anything in is this world the truth about every single lie that I have ever told her.

I am now single.

I am homeless.

I admitted to using medical marijuana in a desperate attempt to save my own life, which has probably cost me my job.

I spent all of my money giving my children the experience of a lifetime. I am broke.

I am somewhere lost in California

---

To the normal every day individual, a person might look at the current state of my life and think I am a mess. I beg to differ.

I am in a rare space.

I am in a space that many humans rarely ever go to.

I am in a space of TRUTH.

I am in a space of FREEDOM.

---

I have lost everything… or well what I thought was everything.

What I have gained has paled in comparison.

Do you know what peace of mind feels like?

Nope.

How do I know this?

Because You lie.

How do I know you lie?

Because I know YOU.

I am not going to air anyone else out, other than myself. I will say this though. If you hate me because of my actions and revelations, I can understand why:

Because I am just like you.

Go look at yourself in the mirror right now. I dare you. Look yourself in the eyes. I do not care WHO you are. Are you a 30 year Spanish woman? Are you a 65-year-old white man? Are you a 20-year-old black man? Are you my 11-year-old daughter? Yes, she gets to hear all the “bad” about her father too.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to ask yourself one single question:

Do you tell the truth?

That is a rhetorical question though, because I already know the answer.

Of course you don’t.

You are a liar.

Now ask yourself these questions

Why do you hate ME so much for what I revealed to the world?

Why do you hate me so much for telling the truth?

Those were rhetorical questions too.

I am going to give you the answer.

The truth that I told you, may remind you of a truth that you have attempted to kept suppressed. My truth reminds you of everything that you hate about yourself.

In psychology it is a term called projection… right Ab?

Ok… look yourself in the eye again.

What do you have buried inside of you?

Remember that time you got fingered at that party and didn’t tell anyone? That didn’t count, right? Do you remember the time that you fucked Jimmy on Spring break? That didn’t count, right? Vegas? Oh, boy. Remember that time you kissed Renaldo while dancing during girl’s night? That moment was special, so that didn’t count right? Right…

Remember the girl you let suck your dick at the bachelor party? It was only head though, so that doesn’t count right. Remember that chick you fucked after the club? You didn’t cum so that doesn’t count right? Right…

It doesn’t have to be all about sex either:

Do you remember the time you told you children to “Say no to drugs…” but you went to the store to hit the blunt and didn’t really get milk? Do you remember when you taught your children a religion, but you yourself didn’t really practice what you preached? Do you remember when you aligned yourself with a political party, and were forced to fight for ideals that you didn’t wholeheartedly believe in? Remember when you forced those ideals on others?

Are you listening to me?

Are you still looking at yourself in the mirror?  

It gets ugly right?

If you hate me, that is why you hate me.

I am bringing out all of those lies, feelings, and emotions that you have buried.

Go get your partner.

I DARE you.

Look them in the eyes.

Tell them the truth.

Tell them the answers to those questions.

Tell them about all of the skeletons in your closet.

Are you willing to put your life on the line?

Are you willing let EVERY wall come down?

Are you willing to get TRULY naked?

Are you willing to get nasty?

Are you willing to tell the person you claim to love your deepest and darkest secret?

If you cannot do those things, you cannot say anything to me.

That is what I did.

I am a man.

I told the truth.

Here is why:

I am tired. Throughout my entire life, I have observed. I have listened. I have read. I have felt.

I am 36 years old and I am at a breaking point in my life. I am the Pink Floyd Album cover…

I never understood this album cover, but one day it just clicked. It was after the medical marijuana of course. I am the light. I am the white light going through the triangle. That is me going through life. Throughout life I have learned. I have retained information. I have read books. I have listened. I know history.

I am at the colorful point of my life now. I have learned enough. Instead of retaining information, it is time for me to create it. Instead of reading books, it is time for me to start writing books. Instead of listening, it is time for me to start speaking.

Throughout my life I have read history.

I am now the color.

It is now time for me to REWRITE PARADIGMS.

It is time for me REWRITE HISTORY.

History was written by man.

I am a man.

It is my turn.

I am a leader. Leaders have to be radical. You will soon understand.. or at least I hope.

I am going to keep going.

---

Addy wanted me to take my last post down.

No.

Fuck that.

I am tired of conforming to false truths. I will not conform to false truths anymore. THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY IS BUILT ON FALSE TRUTHS. I did not vote in the last presidential election. I didn’t tell anyone that I did not vote, and I did not tell anyone why. Here is why I did not vote:

BECAUSE THE SYTEM IS BULLSHIT. It does not matter who is our president. The game is still the game. I am going to break this down in the form of an analogy:

Life and politics are just like a casino. The earth is like a casino that a person cannot leave. When a person is at either place, they don’t even know why they are there. While they are there though, they can purchase food, shelter, and everything else they need. The amount of money and the amount of knowledge they start out with is determined by their parents.

While they are in the casino, they HAVE to pick a game to play. It is kind of like life… you have to pick a career path in order to survive right?

Same thing.

Just as each game at the casino has rules, life has rules too. Each also has odds.

No matter what game you sit and attempt to play while you are at the casino, the odds are against you. The only thing that changes are the dealers.

In politics, our presidents, senators, and mayors are the dealers. In all honesty, they have little to no impact on the game. The game is already the game. The rules are already the rules. The odds do not change. They are just dealing the cards. 

The POTUS is nothing more than a glorified blackjack dealer. They have some power, but not as much as it seems. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people curse out blackjack dealers for no real reason. They were just dealing the cards. The outcome of the scenario really wasn’t their fault.

It is the same thing with politics. Our president is just dealing the cards. Barack Obama is just like Donald Trump. The only difference is how they deal the cards.

Barack is that smooth dealer. He is going to make you feel good. He is relatively young. He is going to joke with you. He is hip. He knows the waitresses, so the drinks will come quicker. He controls the music, so he will play what you like.

Trump is all business when he deals. He doesn’t care what you think. The game is the game, and that is what he is focused on.

Even though Barack Obama and Donald Trump look and act very different, they are both exactly the same. They are dealers. They have the same job, they just do it in a different way. They are dealers in a casino. They are presidents of the most capitalistic nation on this earth. THEIR JOB IS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY.

I am stuck on this earth though, just like I am stuck in this made-up casino. I cannot leave. So what do I do? Well let me first start by telling you what I am NOT going to do.

I am not playing anymore games.

In my old life, everything I did was about the money. I went hard while playing the game. I thought the money would give me a better life. I had to play the game. I wanted to beat the game. If I couldn’t leave the casino, I was going to eat at the steakhouse. If I was hungry in this word, I was talking Addy to nice restaurant. If I had to stay at the casino, I was going to stay in the Penthouse. If I was alive on this earth, I had to aspire to get a big house. I had to have the most prestigious career with the coolest title. I didn’t care if anyone else was happy. I was driven to conquer it all and keep it for myself. That is what I thought winning was. I thought getting money equated to happiness.

Something changed though. When I recently went to the casino, I no longer had to gamble in order to have a good time. I looked at the carpet. It was beautiful. I looked at the lights. I listened to the music. It was energetic music, and it made me feel good. I looked at the waitresses, even though I didn’t drink or didn’t engage. I admired the beauty. I didn’t need to have it or conquer it. They had places to sit, so I could read a book or relax if I wanted to. I could write their if I wanted to. I could spend a whole day there and do a bunch of fun and fulfilling activities, without playing any of the games or without spending any of my money. Addy even came with me. We ate. We had a good time. Being in the casino and not chasing money wasn’t all that bad.

That is how my life has changed after meeting Addy.  I attempted to use Carl Rogers person centered approach to healing. Even though it took 3 years, it worked. Medical marijuana took me over the top.

I no longer chased the money. I went for walks. I smelled flowers. I look at nature now. I see the little things that I always missed while I was so wrapped up in chasing the money. I feel and experience love like I have never done before.

Addy you know this is true, because I know you can feel it in our interactions. Our sex was always good, but I know you notice the change in how I present it to you. It has become so much more abstract. It keeps getting better.

The casino is a psychological warzone.

This EARTH is a psychological warzone too.

Here is the thing though:

BOTH are manipulated.

But by who do you ask?

It is the owners… and the creators.

There is a war going on outside, no man is safe from. It is a war between positive and negative energy. It is a literally a war. This is happening from the inside of our body to the surface. We all literally consist of protons and electrons. I am not going to go that deep into this, but everything on this earth is either negative and positive energy.

Everything we ever see, feel, touch, hear, and smell determines how that energy is transmitted. If you see someone you like, you smile. Positive energy. If you see something sad, you cry. Negative energy.

WAR.

These forces can be altered. They can be manipulated. The powers that be know this.

While in America and in a capitalistic society, these forces are manipulated with the intent to take your money. It isn’t about the actual money though. It is about control. And in a capitalistic society, the person that controls the money has control over the people.

Our Earth is set up just like a casino. Most signs you see (at least the ones from smart companies) is yellow or red. Why? Because those colors tap into your subconscious, and make you want to spend money.

Why does the casino play music? Music is POWER. Music gets into your mind. Music can make a person subconsciously feel a certain way. Music can motivate and inspire. It can make people love. It can give people hope, and make them take just a little bit more money out of the atm.

Why did you think Bob Marley was assassinated? He made too many people feel too good. He was opening people’s minds with his music and his influence. You could not keep him under control. You could not keep him suppressed. He knew and understood the power of a plant, just like the powers that be knew. That is why Bob Marely was murdered. The powers that be do not want to hear the truth. The truth is not profitable. A cure for Cancer is not profitable. With how the field of psychology is currently constructed, it needs medicine. If big PHARA can prescribe a pill to a person, and that person ‘thinks’ that the medicine will make them feel better, they will be able to sell medicine forever. That is the game.  

This story needs to be told.

So when I say I do not vote, that means I do not want to play the game.

I am at a point in my life where I want to CHANGE the game.

I don’t want to change the casino though.

I want to CHANGE THE WORLD.

I believe in myself that much.

Now let’s look that the same casino, but just in a different way. Again, I encourage you to unlearn everything you think you know.

The casino has everything that everyone in it could ever need. Nobody ever has to leave, and everyone could be happy if the resources were dispersed in the right way.

The casino and the world aren’t like that though. The owners of the casino control the resources. They also control and manipulate the rules of the game. They also have all of the money.

They tell the dealers how to conduct each game. The owners know how the music, smoke smell, pretty waitresses, alcohol, and money all simultaneously have an impact on people and the games.

All throughout the casino there are constant reminders of why money is so great. There are shiny cars. There are advertisements. There are jewelry stores that you can see from the blackjack tables.

The owners create the allure of this amazing fantasy world, all to get you to sit at the table. The moment you sit down at a table and take out your money, you already lost. 

Well kind of.

You CAN win at the casino while playing the game, even though the odds are against you. They funny thing about this, is that the casino LOVES this. If a person wins a jackpot or a car, they are put on a poster, a television monitor, or advertisement elsewhere. The owners of the casino want everyone to believe that they too will be winners, even though they know that it is mathematically impossible.

Casino games all have odds. The odds are ALWAYS in favor of the house, meaning that in the long game, the house will always win. So if a person wins one million dollars in one night, that one million dollars will eventually be recouped over time with a combination of small losses from a different combination of other people. The house ALWAYS wins.

Now let me help you understand how that translates into life. There is a small population of people in this world that are the owners. They control the information. They control the media. They control the music. They control what you see in nature and on your devices. They have the HAARP machine, so they are even learning how to manipulate the weather. Global Warming anyone? They control the laws. They control the prison system.

In summation, they control everything every human ever comes in contact with.

In other words whether you like it or not

 YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDER CONTROL, AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT.

You have to PLAY the game. That is what you have been taught to think since birth. You were conditioned to conform. You HAVE to go to college, right? You HAVE to get that job. You have to do those internship hours. Does that 401k roll over? You aren’t quite sure why you need one, but you have to have one don’t you? Do you own your house? Is that what having a 30-year mortgage means? That is ownership? Should I lease or own my next car? I mean my car is three years old, and I HAVE to stay new right?  

Is that really how we are supposed to live? I do not know. This is what I do know though. If you DO choose to live this way, you can be easily manipulated and controlled. You are at the mercy of the owners. You are constantly being psychologically manipulated.

I have a psychology degree. One of my favorite classes was social psychology. How are you doing Dr. Buburka? I loved your class by the way. It has helped me with this.  

In social psychology class, we analyzed experiments. Scenarios were created by the psychologists. They then put multiple subjects in the same controlled environment and the same controlled situation, to see how they would react. 

The more people that are put through these experiments, the more information that is gathered from the results. Over time you can kind of predict what each human will do when encountered with a certain situation. This information can be continuously broken down by age, sex, religion, and just about everything else in between.

I say off of that to say this:

THIS WORLD IS ONE BIG SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY EXPERIEMENT, JUST LIKE A CASINO.

Everything in is world is controlled by the owners.

Everything except for the mind of Kyle James Kostic… and a few others.

Look at the scenario you are in right now.

Look at your life.

How did you get there?

You have no idea.

Here is the funny part about that though:

Somebody else knows exactly how you got where you did.

Slavery is as real and as rapid as ever. Do you know what the word conformity is? The powers that be are attempting to condition us to conform. They want us all to do and like the same thing.

Taco Tuesday!

#TBT

#MCM

Are you following me yet?

What does the word globalization mean to you? The world wants there to be one authority. The world wants everyone to be similar. The world wants everyone to like the same things, eat the same things, and desire the same things. Everyone wants the steak dinner, and everyone wants the penthouse, and everyone wants the money.

Why would the powers that be want everyone to want the same thing?

That answer is really easy when you think about it.

 Control.  

That makes the game of the world being one big social experiment easier. It has already been established that if you control a scenario, you can control people. Now let’s take this a step further: What if all people were extremely similar, and almost the same? That would make it so much easier to control EVERYONE.

Are you following me?

So I say all of that to say this:

I cheated on my girlfriend for my entire relationship. In your world and in your mind, that makes me an asshole. Try to listen to my explanation with an open mind, and try to unlearn everything that you think you know when you hear me out.

I created a world of lies. The relationship between Addy and I was one big social psychology experiment... and it worked. I manipulated Addy, and it caused her to love me.

Here is the thing though: While it was a social psychology experiment, it was simultaneously something else. I was also simultaneously using Carl Rogers method of healing and rebuilding to fix myself.

While I was creating a world for Addy in my social psychology experiment, I was also creating a new me using Carl Rodgers method of self-healing. The process was slow, but I slowly started to become who I really wanted to be.

This is what happened the other night: The social experiment and the Carl Rodgers healing process all culminated at the exact same time.

Addy, I could have not created a better environment for you for that scenario to occur. You KNOW it. While I hate clichés, you really do have to go to a far-away place and do some pretty far out things in order create and do something that has never been done.

Addy, I TOOK YOU TO THAT PLACE.

YOU LOVE IT THERE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

It was too much for you to handle.

I know it.

But you know I am right.

The paradigm has changed.

You saw true unconditional love with your own eyes, and you know it. You saw a relationship that was a million times BETTER than what you THOUGHT you and I had.

The other night, Addy and I spent a night with my friends. I am going to call them my healers, because that is what they are. They are truly special people.

These people are fascinating. They are just about everything that Addy really wanted to be. If she could have picked a location to live, it would have been that location, if she could have built a house, it would have been that house. If she could have decorated the house how she wanted to, she would have decorated it the exact same way that the house we visited was decorated. If Addy would have planted a garden, she would have done it exactly how it was done at the place where we were staying. If Addy could cook whatever food she wanted, it would have been the food she at that night.

It was too much for her.

That was just the environment. There is more.

When Addy heard my healers talk, she was captivated. She listened. She knew that they were thorough. She knew they had a linear element to them. She knew they were sharp.

This is what bothered her. They did not look like Dr. Bartolli. They did not look like Dr. Hodge. This information was not presented to her in a book, in a lab, or in a controlled environment. We were in the motherfucking WILD. Now even though everything came together and everything made sense, Addy did not want to unlearn everything she though she knew about life. She was too invested in her old life, and her old paradigm.

This is true in reference to a few things. I think she has come around to the medical marijuana. If she hasn’t by now, she NEVER WILL. I am writing this because it is my hope she comes around on one more thing:

That thing is LOVE.

My healers are a couple. They are in LOVE. And when I say love… this love is different. It is real love. In life not only did I show Addy what the best psychological theory was… not only did I show Addy what the cure for cancer is (a combination of modern western medicine practices[surgery], meditation, and medical marijuana) … I also showed Addy TRUE LOVE.

What a day.  

My healers are a couple.

They met while having a threesome with another woman.

Again, rethink everything that you THINK you know.

My healers thoroughly explained this encounter. They said that while their initially interaction began as a threesome, it eventually evolved into a twosome. When them too engaged in their initial moment of love, the third person might as well have fallen off of the earth. Prior to that moment, my healers were polyamorous, non-monogamous, or something else in between. They were wild and cray beings in a wild and crazy world.

But then something weird happened.

THEY happened.

LOVE happened.

Neither of them ever thought they would ever be in a committed relationship. Neither of them WANTED a committed relationship. Love has a crazy way of changing people though. LOVE changed them. They became a couple. Two lifelong non-monogamous people came together in a wild and crazy world to became monogamous.

That is real love.

Kanye West once said, “Love was curse by monogamy.”

He was right.

Monogamy is not natural. That is a FACT. How do I know this? That is what my college thesis was on. I know more about monogamy than most humans. I know that the research says.

Here is the thing though: You can be monogamous in a non-monogamous world. I am not talking about most of these relationships either. Most marriages are bullshit.

Can I continue to keep it all the way real?

If you are reading this, your marriage might be bullshit.

Are you willing to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if your relationship is full of lies and a bunch of bullshit?

Do you remember when you thought about your deepest and darkest secret?

Could you tell your spouse that secret?

Could you tell your parents that secret?

Is your relationship better than mine because you hold onto that secret?

Are you a better man, or woman, or child than me?

No.

If your answer to that question is no, then you are a coward.

I am the truth in a world full of lies.

I will not go back to lies.

I am tired of the world conforming to lies.

Addy wanted me to take down my last blog post just in case her parents saw this.

No.

They need to see this.

They need to know who I am really am… or who I really used to be.

The truth is raw. The truth is real. The truth is the good and the bad. I was who I was, and I own it. I own my truth. I come from nothing. I come from scum. I am crying right now because nobody understands the pain that I come from. Nobody can fully understand but me.

I found myself though.

It was through love.

Truth = LOVE

Love =Addy

It was you Ab.

You led me on the right path. How many times did I tell you that you opened up a whole new world for me? You truly did Ab.

You showed me a world that I did not believe existed. I was a poor kid from 9^th St. in Allentown, PA. I had no idea Lake Mincy existed. I had no idea how beautiful nature is. You showed me Ab. I had no clue about Tumeric and Kombucha juice. I am drinking a Romba right now Ab. I never thought that Christopher Strickland’s son would EVER want to be monogamous. Addy Elizabeth Jefocoat, YOU changed all of that. You changed me Ab.

Now let me change you.

Addy, you saw it. You saw it with your own eyes.

Addy, you cannot unsee the dick.

I showed you the world. I took you to a place that no other doctor, boyfriend, professor, or colleague could ever have ever taken you. You did not think that place existed. You loved it, and it scared the shit out of you. It is ok though. Absorb it. Take all of the information into consideration. Break down the old paradigm and create a new one. Do what Dr. Wesp taught me to do.

Addy, you know what the cure to Cancer is. You know the power of meditation. You know the power of food. You know the power of water. You know the power of forgiveness. You know the power of marijuana, and the power of Carl Rodgers.

Addy, I want you back.

I fucking love you, and I want to be with you and only you.

I know that you love me.

I know you believe in me.

You are a psychologist. I am speaking in your language, so I know that you understand me.

FUCK THE REST OF THE WORLD. WE WILL EDUCATE THEM. WE WILL MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND. WE WILL CHANGE THE PARADIGM.

Here is the thing though Ab, I only want you back on one condition:

I need you to think bigger Ab.

Addy, I love Melissa Mouchreff.

Why do I love Melissa?

It is because of her mind.

Why do I love her mind?

I love the mind of Melissa Mouchreff, because she is the smartest person I have ever met in the world. She is a TRUE GENIUS. Here is what else I love about her mind:

It makes me think about the POTENTIAL of the mind of Addy.  

Right now Addy, Melissa is smarter than you. You are the second smartest person I know Addy.

You aren’t done yet though.

That beautiful mind is still expanding. You have not had your Fibonacci moment yet. Addy, you are way too linear. I need you to become the colorful light beam in the picture on that Pink Floyd Album Cover.

If you turn on your abstract mind, there is NO LIMIT to what you can do.

It is time for the course of your life to change.

Addy, you have read more books than anyone that I have ever met.

It is time for you to start writing them.
Addy, you know every single thing about every single theory.

It is time for you to create your own.

I cannot sit around and watch you do 3000 hours of an internship. I cannot do it. That is not the life I will return to. Addy, I am here to tell you that your thinking has been all wrong. All of this time you have been attempting to learn the field of psychology. With or without me Addy, it is time for you to re-shape and re-create the field of psychology.

If you aren’t thinking that big Addy, you aren’t thinking big enough for me.

If you continue to think that way Addy, we cannot be together anyway.

---

I am a new person.

 I have absolutely nothing, and that is ok.

My mind has never been this clear. I am mentally strong and mentally safe. My cancer is cured. I am starting over in every sense of the world. I literally have no baggage. I can fill my heart, mind, body, and soul with pure truth without having to be afraid. I do not have to worry burying lies.

I no longer have anything to suppress.  

I might look like a mess right now, but I am excited for my future.

I want you to be a part of my future Addy.

Just me and you.

If the rest of the world down not understand, that is ok.

Let’s make them understand.

LET’S CHANGE PARADIGM’S TOGETHER.

That is was Sue from that store in New Hope was telling us. We are the leaders. We are the creators. I am sitting here in the middle of nowhere literally rewriting history. I am attempting to change the way people think, in order to help them achieve peace of mind while they are enamored by the distractions of the casino… or should I say the distractions of the world.

I need you out here helping me.

Has anyone ever asked you to change a paradigm with them? That is pretty fucking romantic if you ask me.

Addy, you are the only person in this world that I want to see right now.

Come get me.

My healers know where I am at.

Come on this journey with me.

If you don’t come, I am going to keep going.

Come with me Ab.

I have taken you farther than you ever imagined that you could go.

KEEP GOING.

I hope to see you soon Ad.

Love,

Kyle.

----

Before this ends, I want to apologize to anyone that I may offended. That means Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, Melissa, or anyone else in between. My intent was to make myself look bad, and not anyone else.

Here is the thing though:

Every woman that I have even been with can hold their head high, because whatever experience we had was LOVE. Ask Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, or Melissa if they ever felt anything other than LOVE during any of our interactions. It was always LOVE, and they know it.

As a young man, I just did not understand the power of LOVE. LOVE is POWERFUL. Love can take over a person. It took me over in those moments. As I grew through life, I did not know how to harness LOVE. I learned that I did not have to harness it though. Monogamy isn’t natural right?

Again, Addy changed all of that. I want to pour all of my love into her.

Love is all things. It is not just the good. Love is EVERYTHING.

Love is being able to self-correct oneself.

Love is being able to admit when you are wrong.

Love is willing to get naked in a damn yome while crying your eyes out, and expressing oneself like never before.

Love is you taking be back Addy.

You are love Addy

While I love the whole world… Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, and Melissa included… I vow to love you differently Ab.

Addy, you are the one.

Let’s make this story a story of forgiveness.

I am going to change the paradigm.

WE can change the paradigm.

We can reshape people’s idea of what TRUE love is.

Allentown is going to read this story. They are going to understand, and they are going to forgive me. Allentown is going to understand that this story is so much bigger than me and my actions.

Nani, Jess, Maria, Vanessa, and Melissa probably already understand. They know I love them, and every moment we shared was love.

Come get me Ab.

That is how this story ends.

Make it a love story.

I love you Ab.

Come bring me home.

You are the only one that can do it.

My healers know where I am located

I love you, and I will be waiting.

Love,

Kyle