12:03 am... kitchen table. I can't sleep so I figured I would write a poem. 

The sun still rises,

and the sky remains blue,

but the world just isn’t the same,

if I exist without you;

All of our deep conversations,

and great times we shared,

makes me really wonder,

why you are no longer here;

Since you’ve been gone,

physically I am not the same,

my mind isn’t as sharp,

and I don’t feel like my name;

I have spent many nights,

with tears in my eyes,

pain in my heart,

and with death on my mind;

Despite leaving me so fast,

which was much to my dismay,

you actually did me a favor,

with what you took away;

Cancer wanted to kill me,

a fact of which you knew,

so when you decided to leave me,

You took cancer with you too;

I have been through the darkness,

walked through the rain,

got lost during the process,

and almost succumbed to the pain;

While cancer took a lot from me,

I am still myself at my core,

and while the old me is gone,

I WILL become better than before.

...

Yes I like to write poetry too. It really helps with my depression. Even though things aren't great right now, they aren't horrible and as bad as they have been. While I still deal with daily bouts of depression and continuous pain from my treatment, I am trying to stay mentally sharp and positive. I want to try to go to the gym tomorrow, but I literally have insomnia and do not sleep. I have tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to get on some type of sleep schedule, but it just is not happening.

Weighing 150 pounds really sucks though. That is kind of what I was getting at in my poem. There were so many things that were tied to my identity that cancer took away from me. I lost 40 pounds, I was no longer the athlete, and mentally I could no longer function how I was accustomed to because I was so overly medicated. I did not feel like myself, and I felt like a part of me was gone forever.

I went to a birthday party the other night and had a really good time. I was dancing with my daughter, chilling with my son, and just hanging out with people I consider my family.It was honestly one of the first times that I did not have to pretend that I was happy. Every time I look happy, it is because I am faking it.  I have to stay strong and positive for my family.  I am trying to be myself again. It is hard though. Doing the most normal stuff gets me tired. I had to go to the car a few times to tube feed myself during the party. Here are some pictures of the party...

 Me and the birthday girl

Family

Here is a video of me preparing for the party. I have to keep living... lol

I went to the South Mall in Allentown the other day, and I had to sit down three times while walking because I was so tired. I am still doing 100 percent of eating and drinking through my feeding tube. I try to fill it with nutrients that will give me energy, but there is no real substitute for real food. But I am getting there. My pneumonia is gone but now I have thrush, which is a side effect of taking antibiotics. It is always something. I am not going to dwell on it though. My throat seems to be getting a little better, even though swallowing still causes pain. If you ever see me with a paper towel in my mouth, it is because I don't want to swallow and the paper towel is catching my drool.

Anyway... I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. Even though I am not a Christian I do participate in gift giving. With my cancer preventing me from working for such a long time, the presents will not be as abundant as they have been as in years past. My family is all understanding though. And if anyone says they weren't abundant before, I have video evidence to prove it. This was just Maecee's Christmas a few years ago...

Well that is all I have for now. It is 1:21am. I am going to try and get some sleep, but we will see what happens. I love everyone. Seriously. Have a good day. 

-Kyle

It is 5:30pm. I am sitting at my kitchen table. It has been a little over a month since I have updated this blog. As I have said before, when your life sucks it is pretty difficult to sit down and talk about it. Since I still have people inquiring on my status, I figured I would sit down and write something.

About 3 weeks ago I ate eggs. I thought I was on top of the world. I sat and figured out that if I took enough Advil, drank enough water and chewed very thoroughly… I could eat pretty much anything.

 I told myself that as soon as I could eat I was going to Las Vegas to the Bacchanel Buffet, which is the biggest buffet in North America. So after that morning I ate eggs and realized I could eat, I booked a flight and went to Las Vegas by myself. Yes, I really did.

My plan was to stay in Vegas for three nights, two days. I stayed at the Flamingo, which was right in the middle of the strip. I was going to walk right one day and left the other day. I was going to just chill, people watch, sight see, and EAT. I am an only child so I am used to doing things by myself, so going to Vegas along was no big deal.

I got into Vegas late on a Tuesday. I went and got some Boosts at Walgreens and just chilled in my room. I never realized how BIG everything in Vegas is. Everything is really big. When I walked in the hallways of my hotel to my room all I heard were hairdryers from the other rooms. People were just getting ready to go out at 12:45am? I knew at that moment I was getting old.

The next morning I went to the brunch buffet at the Flamingo at like 8am. I thought I was going to be eating by myself because it was so early, but to my surprise the buffet was packed. I got an omelette, salmon, pizza, mashed potatoes, and some other stuff. I was eating really slow, chewing everything, grimacing while swallowing, and chasing every bite with water. But I was eating, and I could taste! The food tasted SOOO good. Eating was so enlightening. When I was eating I felt like how I felt when I graduated from college, the first time I had sex, and when my children were born. I almost cried.

This old couple sitting next to me was watching me eat. After watching me for a while, the woman said to me… “Do you have a sore throat?” I went on to tell her about my cancer, and how this was pretty much the first time I had eaten. We went on to have a good and lengthy conversation. Since I was next to them we were practically eating together. She and her husband were from Florida. He was in a motorized wheelchair. She talked about his health challenges, her health challenges, and I talked about mine. She was nearly 80 years old. She told me that she was happy that I came to Vegas, even though I was by myself. She told me that she wishes she did more in her life at an earlier age, especially now that she and her husband are limited due to their health. I hung onto her words. You never know where and when you are going to get a dose of enlightening wisdom.

After I ate, I had to go back to my room and rest. This disease changed me, and it is most evident in my energy levels. I never realized how good of shape I was in. Now I cannot walk for 5 minutes without getting tired.

After resting in my room, I walked to the right of my hotel on the strip. I went to the Venetian, Treasure Island, and Caesars. Every so often I just had to sit. I was tired. I people watched, explored the shops restaurants, and scenery at the hotels, and just enjoyed some fresh air.

When I got back to my hotel I just laid down. I was tired, even though I didn’t do much and wasn’t gone for too long. I don’t think anyone who has ever been to Vegas spent as much time in their room as me. I didn’t care though. I wasn’t at home. Home was depressing. Home was my dungeon. Home symbolized pain and sickness, and I didn’t want to be there.  I took at least 7 showers each day I was in Vegas. I watched Sportscenter all day. I was just chilling.

That night I walked across the street to the Bacchanal Buffet in Casers Palace. It cost 57 dollars to get in, but I did not care. I was ready. I got there round 5pm. It was relatively empty. The first thing I realized was how huge it was in there. It was like a warehouse or something. You could get lost in the buffet. I ended up staying there for over 2 hours. I ate prime rib, lamb chops, bbq ribs, crab legs, pizza, lobster ravioli, rice, mashed potatoes, sushi, along with a bunch of other stuff. I wasn’t eating big portions. I was just sampling. It was a challenge getting everything down, but I did it. When I left, I noticed a huge roped off line. I wasn’t sure what it was for, and then I realized it was for the buffet. It was worth the money.

That night I just chilled and watched basketball on ESPN. The next morning I went to the same breakfast buffet, and at night I went to the Paris buffet in Ballys. It was good too, but not as good as the one oat Caesers. And that was my trip to Vegas!

That was my first and probably last time in Las Vegas. One thing I already knew about myself but really realized is that I am not a partier. I had no desire to go to a club and be social. Vegas was too much for me in that aspect. I was happy to be going home.

When I got home I started having problems. I tried to eat, but it wasn’t happening. My throat was in too much pain. I was getting really bad headaches. My neck was swollen. I didn’t know what to do. I slept on it, and decided to call my palliative care doctor in the morning. Even though it was a Saturday my doctor called me back, and told me to start taking methadone again for the pain. He also scheduled me for a Monday appointment.

That weekend sucked. I was in pain, couldn’t eat, and threw up the whole time. When I went to my appointment, I told my doctor how I ate when I was in Las Vegas. He just put his head down. He told me that I had to ease into things, and not just go all out. He prescribed me some other medicine and sent me on my way.

None of the medicine was working. That whole week I threw up, couldn’t sleep, and was in pain. I called Dr. Baxter every day, and each day he told me to try something new that didn’t work. That Monday he had me go get a CT scan. The results of the scan revealed that food was pushed into my lugs, causing me to have pneumonia and to develop dysphagia (look it up). I got more medication, more pain meds, and was sent home.

So for the last two weeks, I have been battling this pneumonia. I have a constant headache coupled with a constant sore throat. I don’t swallow. All nutrition is done through my tube. It is back to the drawing board…

During this time, a friend of mine died an untimely death. You really never know what someone is going through. You never know. Be nice to people. You can really change someones life. I am not going to lie, this process has definitely had me contemplate suicide. The emotions that you go through are inexpiable. Everyone is going to die anyway. Why live in so much pain and without hope? I don't knock suicide at all. I honestly condone it in certain situations. If someone is in real pain and has exhausted all of their options in an attempt to get better, I understand wanting to take your own life. Rest in Peace. I would love some rest and peace. What has kept me going is my responsibility as a parent to take care of someone else until they are an adult. 

I am beyond frustrated. I can’t even say that I am mad. You have to have energy to be mad, and I don’t have any of that. I don’t know what is next. I have jumped through every hoop that my doctors have told me to. I have taken every medication, gone to every appointment, EVERYTHING. I am tired. I just want to be normal so bad. I get emotional at random times because I just want to be normal. I don’t want anything extra. I just want to be myself. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. I’m not even sure where my path is taking me at this point. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Pray for me.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. I will update this when something changes. Hopefully it will be good news.

-Kyle