It is 8:34 am. Today was the first morning since I can remember that I didn’t wake up throwing up. It is probably because I am still on Cloud NINE from yesterday. I really don’t care why I didn’t wake up sick, I’m just glad I didn’t wake up sick. I just got home from taking Koi to work, so I figured I would take some time and write about my day yesterday.

The Hoops for Hope event was unbelievable. It was seriously one of the best days of my life. It was amazing to see how the community came together in support of my cause. There were people in attendance that I have met over the years that knew nothing about basketball, but came out to support me anyway.  And I am not talking about a handful of people either. A LOT of people who I met outside of basketball came out. It is crazy because a lot of times people will get invited to things and they will say they will show up… but they really had no intention of going and do not show up. I was kind of scared that may happen. It seems like pretty much everyone who told me that they were going to come, actually came. To know that it was for me, and to know that a lot of them have no interest in basketball makes me extremely grateful. I was also extremely grateful and humbled to have met so many people that I didn't know before yesterday, but who had a genuine interest in me and my cause. Again, words cannot conceptualize how everything made me feel. 

The basketball portion of it was absolutely unbelievable. My good friend Toomey Anderson set everything up. I must say, Toomey knows how to organize a first class event. He got the best high school basketball players from the Lehigh Valley and beyond to participate in a showcase. He didn’t just get some random players either. He really got a “who’s who” of high school basketball talent throughout the area to participate. Not only did he have the kids competing against each other in front of college coaches, he also had the kids in classrooms being spoken to by the coaches and former players. The coaches went over academic requirements, college life, and gave some good insight as to what these kids should expect as they become student athletes at the next level. Toomey also brought in a bunch of former successful college and professional players to provide some insight and perspective on what the kids were going to encounter from a players perspective. When Toomey first approached me about doing this fundraiser, I told him that I wanted the focus to be on the kids and that I wanted it to be a positive learning experience. Toomey could have not done a better job of making that happen.

Toomey did not stop there though. He had Bethlehem native, Liberty and Villanova graduate, and current member of the NBA’s Detroit Pistons Darrun Hilliard II attend the event. Darrun, known locally as “Money,” was such a positive contribution to the day. He spoke to the kids, giving them a wonderful speech on what it takes to be successful in whatever endeavors that they are trying to achieve. Money has great character, is extremely humble, and is a very hard worker. He is the perfect person to represent the Lehigh Valley in the NBA. This man could have been preparing for training camp, resting, or doing something else with his time. But again showing the type of person he is, Money instead donated his time in an effort to make the lives of children better and to bring attention to an important cause. That speaks volumes about him as a man.  He answered questions for the kids, donated a basketball for a raffle, and must have taken hundreds of pictures with pretty much everyone in attendance. If you know me you know that I am an observer… and observing how he carries himself and how he handled the day was quite remarkable. I am so proud and thankful it was him that made it to the NBA, and it was him that was so willing to represent me and my fight against cancer. I am excited for his NBA career to begin, because I know with his character and work ethic he is going to create his own path and ultimately find a way to be successful.

Again, the event was just so wonderful. I think the best part for me was just seeing all of the interactions among people within the community. Allentown has developed a reputation for being divided and not being as tight knit of a community as it once was or as tight as other communities may be. I must say in my years growing up, I have seen those behaviors play out first hand. Everyone kind of wants to get theirs, and doesn’t really have a concern for the next man. But seeing how everyone was interacting yesterday and how everyone has kind of rallied around my cause makes me think that we really can change that. I think we can bring Allentown back. I think we really can become a community again. Just look at my situation. Collectively the donations I have received have been tremendous and are going to go a long way in me regaining some resemblance of financial normalcy once this is over. I eventually will be able to send my daughter to college and live a normal life. There is no way I would have been in this situation without the help of others. We need to expand on this. We need to help EVERYONE, and not just me. Everyone’s cause needs to be addressed. Before I got sick, my silent partner and I were throwing around the idea of starting a community based non-profit organization. She said I knew a lot of people in the community, and that I could use those connections and resources to do a lot of good for people in need. While I told her yes I do know a lot of people, I didn’t know how much influence my voice and my name had. After seeing how people have responded and banded together in response to my cause, I feel like she was right and I feel like there is an area of opportunity there that I need to tap into. Once I beat this cancer, it is going to be my mission in life to pay it forward and help others from my community who are in need. I have been truly inspired by everyone, and I feel it is my duty and my responsibility to step into a leadership role and to help out as many people from this city as I can. If anyone wants to bounce any ideas off of me or be a part of making moves, feel free to let me know.

I again want to thank everyone who volunteered their time at the Hopes for Hope event yesterday, and everyone who came out to show their support. Once I beat this disease I am going to have a celebration, and everyone is going to be invited. That is one of the reasons I wanted the names of everyone in attendance yesterday. Every single card, donation, hug, and kind word matters to me. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I have been extremely emotional throughout this process, and I couldn’t help but break down last night while sitting on my toilet just thinking about the day and my situation in its entirety. Cancer really showed me how much I am loved, and is really bringing my community together. It is crazy. If that is what it takes, then so be it. I am turning this negative into a positive. 

Today is going to be my last day of normalcy for a while, being that I have Chemotherapy tomorrow morning. This is my last one. My voice is already pretty much gone and I can no longer eat through my mouth, so I am going to be at my absolute worst during this process this week. But this week is also the end. I have six more radiation treatments with my last one being next Monday. This week I am going to be as bad as I am going to get, but then I am going to get better. After a few weeks I am going to have another PET scan done, and hopefully the Cancer will be in remission. That is the hope. I hope it doesn’t metastasize or it hasn’t spread. I really want to live. I am confident that it hasn’t though and I am going to be alright. We will see though.

Anyway…  I figured I would end this post with some pictures and videos from yesterday. What a day.  

Toomey started things off with a speech... 

Old friends volunteering <3

One of many new friends I met

Classroom session

Bethlehem native, Liberty and Villanova graduate, and current NBA player Darrun "Money" Hilliard II speaking to the children

This little girl is the daughter of my late friend Tarrell Hardmon. She wanted to give the card she made to me personally as opposed to having it given to me with all of the others. She is so sweet. Her father would have been so proud. 

Toomey, Myself, Money, Jon

Family

Me and My baby just chilling

Cheese and Madison participating

Latrell looking tired

Toomey... the man who put everything together

Toomey talking to the kids

 People everywhere

Resting

Toomey's cousin Bart made this beautiful painting for me

Friends

What a great day. Thanks again to everyone who participated. I am going to relax for the remainder of my day. BIG day tomorrow. I will be in touch when I can. I love ya'll

-Kyle

www.kyle.kostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

It is 4:13am. This is the first morning I have woken up since I can remember that I have not thrown up, so hopefully that means that I am going to have a good day.

I have to admit… I am tired of being sick. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Prior to the beginning of my treatment the doctors told me that the process is going to be both physically and mentally challenging, and boy they were right. My mental resolve is being tested right now. I must say that I really feed off of and appreciate all of love and support that I have been getting in the community and on social media. It really has been great, and it really has helped me a lot through this process. I have to be honest though… I am tired. There are times that everything just gets to me, and I just break down. The other day I was driving home from my radiation treatment and I just couldn’t stop crying in my car. I’m tired. I just want to be normal. I am tired of taking all of this medicine. I am tired of going to doctor’s appointments, tired of telling people I am resilient and that I am going to beat cancer, tired of people asking me if I am alright or if I need anything. I just want to be normal so bad. I want my weight back. I want to go to the gym. Not being able to taste food is seriously one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. It is like torture. After knowing what it feels like not being able to taste, I would seriously consider giving up my sense of smell, touch, and even sound before I would give up my sense of taste. The only other sense I would want to keep before taste is my sense of sight. After this experience, I cannot tell you how much I value my sense of taste. I just want to eat and taste food so bad! I am tired of being patient. I want to eat NOW!!! I have no choice though but to wait.

I have two weeks of treatment left, which consists of eleven radiation treatments and one more chemotherapy treatment. Even when my treatment is over I still have to go through a recovery period, so it’s not like I am going to be back to normal once the treatment is over. I hope the treatment works. I hope it gets rid of my cancer. I hope my cancer doesn’t metastasize, causing me to have to go through even more treatment. Even though I will do it because I have no choice, I don’t want to have to go through this again. It sucks and I am tired of it. I know this post may come off as negative, but this is how I feel right now. When I up awake alone, my cell phone and Facebook are quiet and there is nobody around… I still have this stupid cancer and still have to deal with it. It just sucks.

And… I just threw up.

This shit sucks ya’ll.

…

For the next part of the post, I have some new videos:

This is me getting my radiation treatment. It is actually pretty fascinating to watch even for me... because while going through it I cannot really tell what is going on. I didn't know the machine moved like it does. Every time you hear the machine buzzing or the lights flashing, that is when I am getting "zapped" and am getting the radiation. I do this every morning, and will have done it 35 total times once my treatment is concluded. After I finish I have to just sit outside and regain my composure for a while, because having radiation zapped into your body really does take a lot out of you. 

This is me getting acupuncture. Acupuncture is crazy, but it really helps. 

This is a video of me feeding myself. Appreciate the ability to taste food. Savior every bite... for me!!! Look at how skinny I am... smh. 

This is a video of me talking to my old high school football team before their game. I was given the opportunity to talk to them by the head football coach, who was my coach and a lifelong role model and mentor of mine growing up. While they lost the game, they played really hard and I was very proud of them. 

So that is it for now. I am trying to stay active, optimistic, and positive. I promise you I am. It is a challenge, but I am going to keep fighting. When I beat cancer I am going to continue to be a positive contribution to the world, I promise. Thank you again for all of your continued love and support. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

It is 5:37am. I was just woken up by my stomach. I threw up a few times in the kitchen sink. I feel better now though. Since I am now awake, I figured would take this time to update everyone a little on my progress.

On Wednesday September 9, the day after getting my second chemotherapy treatment, I made a post on Facebook stating that I could already tell that I was going to handle this round of chemotherapy better than my first round of chemotherapy. While that may be true, this round definitely has hit me hard.

I had an appointment with Dr. Cardiges on Thursday. He stated that I even though I was relatively alright now, that the medicine would take a while to fully travel through my system and I would have a delayed negative affect that would take place this weekend. While I took what he said into consideration, I was kind of feeling myself a little too much. I was very optimistic. Even though I had no appetite, I was feeding myself Jevity and drinking lots of water. I was being very proactive. I was resting. My mind was positive. My spirits were high. This time was definitely going to be different than last time. Boy was I wrong.

After getting my haircut on Friday morning, I started to get really, really tired. I fell asleep in the barbershop. After getting home from the barbershop, I decided to take a nap. Before I went to sleep I scheduled for my silent partner to pick Maecee up from school. I figured I would take a short nap, be re-energized, and be able to hang out with my daughter for the remainder of the night.

I ended up falling asleep at around 2pm. I woke up at around 8pm. So much for only taking a short nap. When I woke up Maecee and my silent partner were in the kitchen doing arts and crafts. I went to the bathroom and then joined them at the kitchen table. I was so weak and so sick. Pretty much the second I sat down, I began to throw up all over the place. I hate being sick around my daughter. To her I am the man, her superhero, and the person who can do no wrong and fix every problem. I couldn’t help it though. The delayed effect of my Cisplatin chemotherapy treatment was here, and it was not stopping for anyone.

I threw up every ounce of liquid I had in my body. I knew I had to go to the emergency room to be hydrated. I had nothing left. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. Here is a picture of me in the emergency room. 

Again it is hard for me to describe what this feeling feels like. Maybe the picture will help conceptualize it. It’s beyond being tired. You literally feel lifeless. You cannot move. You have NO ENERGY. You have NOTHING. I slept in the car until I was able to be seen by the doctor.  Nevin came to the doctor because he saw me post it on Facebook. I love you Nevin. He kept my silent partner company until they called me to one of the emergency rooms. I ended up getting an IV and getting the fluids that I needed to get me back to a more stable state. I was able to leave the hospital at around 2am.

On Saturday I just pretty much stayed in the house. I took turns feeding myself Jevity, sleeping, and throwing up. I was able to watch a little football and look at my phone in between too. Saturday night I ate a little soup which was promising. Slow progress.

On Sunday morning I woke up with a little energy. I decided that I wanted to go to my flag football teams scrimmage. I just wanted to get out of the house and see the guys. It felt really good getting outside. I spoke to my teammates as well as a lot of other friends that I have who play on other teams. Those normal interactions and just being out and being normal mean EVERYTHING to me right now. It seems like the length of my game coincided with my energy level, because as soon as we got into the car I was ready to go home. I was tired, and all out of energy.

Before going home, my silent partner asked me if I wanted to try to get something to eat from the diner. I accepted. We went to my favorite diner which is Sunrise on South 4^th St. I was able to eat some soup, a very little bit of salad, a small amount of mashed potatoes, and a very small amount of salmon. I didn’t immediately throw any of it up either. Slow progress.

The rest of my Sunday I spent in bed. I got home from the diner at around 1. I was basically taking turns sleeping, feeding myself Jevity’s, and watching football. At round 8 I ate some macaroni and cheese and fish through my mouth, which was a success. Cisplatin chemotherapy really takes your appetite. Like even though I cannot taste, somehow the treatment just makes the body not want to take food in through the mouth. I cannot explain it. So any food that I was able to get down was a positive. Slow progress.

I guess the point of this post is that I have to respect Cancer and respect the process. Even though I want to be optimistic and get better fast, I need to realize I am not going to be able to do this at my pace. This is going to continue to be a challenge. I need to remain mentally strong and very patient. It is sooooo hard, but I am going to get through it. I just need to realize that at times my progress may be slow. As long as I am going in the right direction, that is alright. 

...

While I am up, I was looking through some pictures and videos where I was normal and Cancer free. I figured I would share some. I can't wait to get back to this... 

190 pounds!!! I was a man! This is when I gave my mom a surprise visit to AZ on Mother's Day. It is crazy how fast my body deteriorated to what it is. I will be back though!

Video of me Pre-Cancer dunking at Skyzone

Me dancing with the kids... where do you think they got it from?

Maecee working on her game...

Big sleepovers!!!!

All of this will happen soon enough. I just need to continue to tell myself progress will be slow... but it will happen. I need to get ready for radiation. Three more weeks of treatment left. I will make it through. I love ya'll. I hope you enjoy your day. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

Since I have been diagnosed with cancer a lot of things have happened. A lot things that happened have been expected, and a few things that happened have been unexpected. And then there is today...  a day where something happened that I never thought would happen in my life.

Last Friday I received a call from my father. He said he wanted to see me, and that he was planning on coming up to Allentown to visit. I briefly told him about my improved current condition, my treatment schedule, and how after next Tuesday after my next chemotherapy session I am probably going to be pretty unavailable until after the conclusion of my treatment. With all of the information taken into account, he said it was his goal to try to get up here before Tuesday. I responded by saying... "Whatever."

If you are reading this and you do not really know me, I grew up without ever meeting or even knowing who my father was. It wasn't until I was 27 years old until I knew he was alive and knew of his existence. At that time when I learned of his whereabouts, he and I agreed to meet. My best friend Shannon and I flew down to San Antonio, TX to meet him. While my father and I did meet and do a few things together that weekend, I spent most of my time in San Antonio with two of my sisters.

Seven years later, I can count on one hand how many conversations I have had with my father since the weekend I met him. We never developed any type of relationship, and that was ok with me. I got to meet him and know who he is, which is all I ever wanted to do. So when he called me last Friday and told me he was coming up here, I wasn't really expecting him to. I wasn't expecting anything at all.

On Sunday afternoon my father called me again. He told me he was in West Point, GA visiting family, and that he wanted to leave there at midnight in hopes of arriving in Allentown to see me Monday afternoon. He said he was bringing with him his 32 year old son Marcus, his 11 year old son Chris, and his 9 year old son Christian. Was he serious? I wasn't sure. I told him if he is really serious that he can call me when he gets here, and I will go somewhere in the community to meet him.I told him that I had other plans as well, so if he does come he should have some other things in mind to do because I cannot spend an extended amount of time with him.

On Monday morning I logged onto Facebook. My father had just put up three new status messages. One of the messages said... "Leaving Sam house on our way up the eastern seaboard." The next status was a check in message, which stated that he was traveling northbound on Interstate 85 in South Carolina. The third message was also a check in message, this time stating that he was in Fancy Gap VA. As it turns out, my father was really on his way to see me. 

I was in shock. I have only met this man one time in my life. We have only spoken a handful of other times. We have no relationship. I told him that if he indeed did come, I would only be available to see and be with him for a very short period of time. Yet despite all of those things, my father decided to take the 14 hour drive to come see me.

...

One of my favorite books of all time is the book "David and Goliath" by Malcolm Gladwell. The book is about turning disadvantages into advantages, and using what you are forced to learn as a result of your perceived disadvantage to make you stronger in all of the other aspects of your life. Gladwell used the story of David and Goliath as an example of doing just that. While David was too small and too weak to defeat Goliath in a conventional fight of those times, David was forced to become creative and to attack Goliath in an unconventional manner. As we all know, as the story is told David was successful in the approach he was forced to create... eventually defeating Goliath by using a slingshot instead of engaging in conventional hand to hand combat.

This is why I do not hate my father. While it was extremely difficult growing up without a dad, there is no doubt in my mind that not having him in my life forced me to become resilient and forced me to adjust to challenges that led to me becoming the strong man that I am today. I know how difficult it is to grow up without a father. It sucks. I would cry so much as a child because I didn't know who my father was. I would lie to other children when they would ask about him. I would tell them he was in jail or died in Desert Storm. I was black with a white mother. I would have identity crises because I didn't know the black side of my family. I never felt complete as a child, and my family never felt complete when I had a wife and children of my own. Having those feelings forced me to become a great parent. I would never want a child I was responsible for to feel like I felt or to be put in those situations. There is no doubt in my mind that I am the best father in the world due to the fact that I know how horrible it feels to grow up and live life without a father of my own.

I was extremely poor growing up. My mother and I had nothing. We used to wash our clothes in the sink with dish liquid and hang them up on the curtain rods in our bedrooms because we could't afford to go to the laundromat. We didn't have cable growing up until I was about 17 years old. Our toilet used to leak so bad that we had to go to the basement to turn the water on and back off every time we needed to use the bathroom. Our bathtub was always clogged, and we would have to dump the water out with buckets into the toilet after every shower we took.  My mother used to go grocery shopping for the week on a 20 dollar budget. We used to eat liver and lima beans. On Wednesdays we would go to the church on 8th and Walnut to eat. We used to go the food bank at the church on 6th st. between Turner and Chew every Saturday morning to get food... food that we had to carry home in boxes. That was a long walk home, and everyone could see the food so everyone knew where we were coming from. I would see football players from other high schools handing out food, and they would recognize me. All of those things were extremely embarrassing, but extremely necessary. If things were different there is no doubt in my mind I wouldn't be as humble or I wouldn't have such an appreciation for things I do have in life. Those things were disadvantages that eventually led to becoming advantages.

I feel like the same thing is happening with my cancer. When I found out about my diagnosis, I felt like having cancer was the single worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought that having cancer was going to ruin my life, make my family sad, and eventually kill me. Contrary to what I believed though in some weird and strange way having cancer has actually done the exact opposite for me. It has made my life better, pulled my family together, and made me feel alive. It has raised the spirits of an entire community. It has spawned inspiration, given hope, and made a lot of people want to reconnect and have good times. And today Cancer... more specifically my cancer... was going to be the reason something was going to occur that I never thought would happen in my entire life. Cancer was going to put me, my mother, and my father together in the same place for the first time in my entire life.

My mother is one hell of a woman. She sacrificed her life for me. She has always done things the right way. She was the best example of class, humility, and respect a child could ever ask for. She is the hardest working person that I have ever encountered in my life. She is the poster child for integrity. She never cut a corner and never looked for the easy way out in any situation. She raised me alone. She never received a dime of child support or food stamps. She never could afford a car, so she took the bus and walked to work every single day. And she never missed work. She did everything. Again, the disadvantage of me not having a father and having her be forced to do everything she had to do for me gave me the advantage of understanding of  how absolutely wonderful of a woman she was. My mother became the best mother in the world in part due to my father not being there for me.

When I told her my father was on his way into town today, I told her she did not have to meet him if she didn't want to. I understood that he was the source of an extreme amount of pain for her, and I would understand if she didn't want to have to face that especially considering everything that was going on with me. My mother and father met while she was in the Army. He got her pregnant and he abandoned her, As a child I remember going through my mothers drawers and finding letters that were her trying to contact him... all of which came back return to sender. She had no help. I know she dealt with a lot of pain and guilt due to the fact that I grew up without a dad. She felt like in a lot of ways it was her fault.

My moms response wasn't quite what I expected, even though I should have known because she is my mother. She said she definitely wanted to see him. She wanted to thank him. She said he gave her a gift in me. He is responsible for Koi and Maecee, her two wonderful grandchildren that she loves so much. Despite all of the heartache and pain that my father put my mother through, she was willing to forgive him just like that. She was willing to meet with him, sit down with him, and thank him for giving her the family that she has today.

At around 1:00 pm on Monday afternoon, my father called me. He had finally made it to Allentown. He told me that he had gotten a hotel room at the Comfort Inn near Dorney Park. We were going to meet him and his three sons at the hotel, and they were going to follow us to go get something to eat. So me, my mother, Koi, Maecee, and my silent partner got into the car and made the trip over to the hotel.

My family was nervous. My father and his family was in room 101. Koi and I went inside to get them while my mother, daughter, and silent partner stayed outside in the parking lot. When Koi and I got to the room my father was standing outside of the door. I gave him a hug. I just had to. I don't know how to explain it... but even though I didn't have a relationship with that man and I only met him once in my life... he is my only father, and just I felt like hugging him. My father then brought us into the room and introduced Koi and I to my brothers. It was all love.

We all then headed outside. As we walked toward my mom, daughter, and silent partner, I could tell my mother was nervous because she had her back towards everyone. I really didn't know what was going to happen or what to expect. My father eventually approached my mom and said hello. She smiled, shook his hand, and the ice was broken. She was fine. Everyone greeted each other, and the tension seemed to die down to the point everyone was comfortable. We all agreed to go to the TGI Fridays which was right down the street from the hotel.

By the time we parked at the restaurant and walked to the door, it felt like we had all known each other. My mother was talking to my father. My brother was talking to my son. My silent partner, myself, and Maecee were talking with my little brothers. It was like we had been family for much longer than those 10 minutes.

At the table the conversations continued. Here are some pictures...

This is all of us. My silent partner took the picture so she could avoid the camera of course

Me, my brother Christian(sitting), and my brother Chris(standing)

Maecee, Koi, and my father

My brothers Christian and Christopher with their niece Maecee and nephew Koi(how crazy is that)

My brother Marcus, my mom, me

My mother and father having a civil conversation... wow. 

The conversation inside of the restaurant went really well. I have a total of 9 brothers and sisters, 10 aunts and uncles, and a HUGE extended family that extends literally across the country. I learned so much about myself and about where I came from. We all ate good(even though I couldn't taste), drank good(I drank water... my father is the only one who had a beer), laughed, and enjoyed each others company. 

We then took pictures outside in the parking lot... 

 And now the picture and moment that I NEVER thought would happen in my lifetime...

Life is really crazy. It is amazing that CANCER is what made this happen. I am going to continue to keep turning that negative into a positive, until I am cancer free. 

After this we ended up going to Cedar Beach where I watched Koi, my brother Marcus, and my father play a basketball game called 21. The video is below. It is soooo funny to me. Koi won by the way :-)

Well, that was my day. What a day. It is now 4:08am. I have four more weeks of treatment remaining. I have my chemotherapy appointment this morning. This will probably be my last blog post for a while. I am admittedly nervous, but I am prepared. I am just ready to get it over with. As soon as I come to my senses I will reach out to everyone. Until then, be good to the world. Thanks for your continued interest in me and my situation. LOVE. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

www.gofundme.com/kylekostic

It is 6:54am. I know while writing a majority of other blog posts I have been up at an odd hour due to the fact that I couldn't sleep, Well this post is a little different. I actually just woke up! Yesterday was one of the best and longest days of my life... so long that I was able to actually get some sleep when I got home.

This week I have felt really, really good. The love and energy I have received from Facebook, on this blog, and from my gofundme campaign has really uplifted my spirits and really encouraged me to get up, get out, and continue living.  I have gained some weight and I have felt relatively strong... all things considered.

As good as I feel now though... I know it is all about to come to a halt. My doctors told me that this treatment was going to be a roller coaster ride in a sense that it is going to be filled with highs and lows, ups and downs. This upcoming week is going to be the beginning of a major downswing for me. I have chemotherapy on Tuesday morning... and if you read any of my previous blog posts you remember the reaction I had to chemotherapy the first time. It was all bad. It was hell. It was a 7 hour procedure that resulted in me being a zombie for pretty much a week. I am also entering my 4th week of radiation which has already started taking its toll, and which is going to continue to get worse.

With all of that being considered, I knew that this weekend was going to be the last weekend where I was going to be relatively normal until the conclusion of my treatment. With this in mind, my silent partner offered to do anything that I wanted to do that would make me happy this weekend. On Friday morning she asked me, "What can I do to make you happy? What do you want to do?" This is something that we have always discussed. It is really hard for me to be happy by doing something for myself. The only thing that really makes me happy that I do for myself is play basketball, and that it obviously off of the table for now. She has given me all of these psychological tests and told me that it is really important for me to find things that I like to do to make myself happy.

It is hard for me though. I am a giver. I have always been. I am the happiest when I see the people closest to me happy. I am happy when she is happy. I am happy when Maecee, Koi, the kids, and my mom are happy. I am happy when I see love. When I am in Walmart and I see a couple together shopping for microwaves and dish liquid, that makes me happy. When I see random acts of kindness, that makes me happy. When I see public displays of affection, that makes me happy. When I see families of parents and kids at Dorney Park or anywhere else smiling and having a good time, that really makes me happy. One of my favorite books is entitled "The Art of Loving" by Eric Fromm. He talks about this behavior and how it is completely normal to behave this way, so I don't feel bad for doing so. He also does state that it is important for one to seek direct happiness by doing things for themselves. Well... that is something that I will continue to work on.

When thinking about the offer my silent partner gave me, I stated that I wanted to do something with my family that makes them all happy. I wanted to spend a day with her, my mom, Maecee, Koi, Quron, and Cheese. I wanted to do something that made all of them happy, because again I am at my happiest when I see the closest people to me happy and enjoying themselves. There is NOTHING like seeing Maecee happy. There is NOTHING like seeing Koi happy. There is NOTHING like seeing my mom happy, especially after all of the pain and struggle that we went through together all of our lives. My silent partner DESERVES to be happy and do something for herself, since she is so selfless and has done so much for me. Cheese and Quron are my boys and have had to endure some difficult circumstances in their lives, so I LOVE when they are out experiencing things and having fun. Even though my silent partner wanted me to do something for me, she understood my point of view and agreed to let me plan a day of fun for the people in my life that I love. So we sat at the table that afternoon and planned a day of fun for the people I love. This is how it turned out...

Part One: Sky-zone

My daughter LOVES trampolines. There is an indoor trampoline park called Sky-zone that is about 5 minutes from the King of Prussia Mall. I took there a few times, and she loves it. There are trampolines that help you dunk, that let you jump into a foam pit, and that let you just free jump. It is a BLAST for people of all ages. If you haven't gone there I recommend it. Their website says they are building one in Allentown, but there is no more information other than that.

On Friday night I asked Koi, Maecee, my Mom, Cheese, Quron, and my silent partner if they wanted to go to Sky-zone. They all agreed. In my condition I obviously couldn't jump, but watching them jump and have fun would make me happy. My mom normally wouldn't jump, but she agreed to do so for me. I love her. The kids are jump crazy so I know they would be down to go. They would go anywhere with me.

So on Saturday morning we loaded up everyone into a van that my silent partner had access to, and headed to the Sky-zone in Pine Brook, NJ. That Sky-Zone is not the closest one to Allentown, but there is a specific reason why I wanted to go there. I will explain why in part two of this post. They had so much fun jumping! My mom was trying to dunk the basketball and it had me cracking up! My silent partner did a flip in to the foam pit and it was hilarious! The kids were all smiles, and it really made me happy. Like I said I couldn't jump, but watching them have fun and seeing the smiles on their faces made me feel like I was doing it myself. Here are some "highlights" I was able to capture below...

 Cheese flipping

Koi doing a 360 degree dunk

Maecee flip

Mom "Dunk"

Quron flip

It wasn't all good though! There were some bloopers! Ha! 

My mom could have been on a Sprite commercial! Haha! 

Group shot of all of us

I really enjoyed going to Sky-zone. Even though I couldn't jump I was able to observe the people I love most in the world have fun, which made me really really happy. I have every intention of beating cancer and being able to jump again though... believe that!

Part Two: Mitsuwa


For the next part of my day I wanted to do something for my silent partner. This person has done SO MUCH for me since I have known her and since I have been diagnosed with cancer. Like I said she has taken me to every appointment, organized my schedule and treatments, cooked me food, and so much more. I know she has to get tired, irritable, and worn down. She never shows it though.

My silent partner is hard to please. It is hard to make her happy in a sense that she doesn't care about material things, gifts, or many other forms of external stimulation. I LOVE that about her. If I would try to buy her a gift to show my gratitude or make her happy, she might like me less! I really wanted to do something for her. I really wanted to give her an experience that she would really enjoy.

As I stated before, my silent partner spent a lot of her life in Japan. She loves the culture, food, and everything about it. I know she misses it. Before I was sick we went to a Japanese grocery store and market in Edgewater, NJ called Mitsuwa. It is a cool little place that has authentic Japanese food, products, and a variety of other things. My silent partner is extremely even keeled, but she couldn't help but showing how giddy and happy she was the last time we went there. And since I am a pleaser and am happy when the people I love are happy, I wanted to give her that feeling again. Mitsuwa is only 30 minutes from the Sky-zone in Pine Brook NJ, so I decided to surprise her by telling her I wanted to go there. She was SO EXCITED! I needed that reaction. This woman does so much outwardly giving. She deserved to have something done for her. Here are some pictures...

This is the outside of the market

A lot of stuff is just in Japanese

Maecee loves these Japanese candy kits. If anyone has kids and they have Yummy Nummies, these kits are the Japanese version of those. We have ordered some from Japan before, and they usually take a few weeks to get here. Maecee was excited that we were able to pick up some in person. I got her two. 

Even signs in the store are in Japanese

Japanese Diapers

Japanese feminine products for that "authentic" Japanese feel... lol

Japanese tin foil

Japanese EVERYTHING

These two best friends/brothers and sister

The crew

This is what my silent partner ended up getting She was SO HAPPY and so excited to buy some crackers, candy, chocolate, juice, and chips. It's all about the little things with her <3

Below is me taking my methadone outside of the store. Cancer doesn't stop!!!

Directly behind Mitsuwa is the Hudson River, so we took a few pictures in front of it.

The trip to Mitsuwa went really well, and my silent partner was extremely happy. She was giddy, walking on her toes, and overflowing with positive emotion... all of which made me really, really happy!!! Success!!! 

Part three: NYC

I really love Quron. Quron has had it rough growing up. His father went to jail when he was very young. He is currently doing 34 years in Federal Prison. Being around Quron via Koi, I have kind of taken the role of father figure on for him. He is really my daughters best friend. They draw together, go to the park together, and do pretty much everything together. One of the reasons I like Quron being around my daughter is because he loves culture, history, and has appreciation for the arts. Quron loves New York City. He plays the game Mindcraft. His Mindcraft is absolutely amazing. He literally built the entire New York City brick by brick on his Mindcraft. He sits there and plays it all day and all night, so when I say literally the entire NYC, I mean LITERALLY THE ENTIRE NYC. When he goes to my house he draws the World Trade Center, Times Square, and Statue of Liberty all of the time. He is on YouTube looking up how they were built, why they were built, and all kinds of other information about it. He has a healthy obsession for it which I really enjoy. 

With that being said, I figured I would offer Quron a surprise little visit to NYC. Since we were already in Edgewater, NJ and right across the Hudson River, it would be a quick trip. I felt like Quron would appreciate walking around Central Park and Times Square for a little while. Seeing that would also make me really happy. He has also been BEGGING me to take him to the Toys R US in Times Square to see some Lego exhibit. I know my mom, silent partner, and everyone else would like walking around NYC too, so they would get to benefit as well. So that is what we did. We left Mitsuwa and made a quick trip to the city. 

This is how are car trips sound by the way... 

I love those kids. 

Anyway... we got to the city and decided to walk around Central Park first. Here are some pictures... 

After walking around Central Park for a while, I wanted to take Quron to Times Square. Here he was when we arrived... 

The video doesn't quite capture how excited he was... but his eyes were wide the whole time. It made me feel good. More pics from the Toys R Us... 

Selfie... lol

Us in Times Square. Everyone looks tired here EXCEPT for Quron, so I knew it was time to go home. It was well worth it for me to see him happy though... 

More singing in the car. Slowing it down... lol

The inevitable crash... 

After a long day, we all made it home safe and sound. The day was an absolute  success. Everyone had fun at Skyzone. My silent partner enjoyed Mitsuwa. Everyone enjoyed walking around the city. I got to see LOVE and see pure JOY on the faces of the people that I love most in this world. That is why I live. That is what makes me most happy in this world, and that is what my life is all about. Things are about to get tough for me, but I am living in the present. I really, really enjoyed my day. I will get through this treatment, beat this cancer, and continue to live my life. Days like this are why I am going to fight to get better and fight to keep living. I hope you enjoyed watching my day too. LOVE. 

-Kyle

www.kylekostic.blogspot.com

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